It's only life...

Goodbye 2011...hello 2012!

2011-12-30T16:32:00.000+01:00

Hello world! It's been a really long time since I last wrote here. All I've been occupied with in the past months has involved this thing called a thesis (which is very much still in the works, but now that I have completed my first draft of chapters 1-4, I'm having a short breather before getting on with the second phrase of the project...which pretty much involves working towards and on the data collection process). Nevertheless, let's move away from the one thing that has seen me retreat into my hermit shell...and take some time to reflect on the days, weeks and months that have gone by to make up the year that 2011 was.

All I can say is, I never fail to be astonished by the fact that time just flies by so quickly. It felt like yesterday when I just started out in Stockholm, and here I am...(hopefully) mere months away from finishing off my thesis and graduating with my Masters from Stockholm University (surely, as my friend and I once said...this will be a talking point given the rather random choice of university)! And all those days of complaining about being a perpetual student will soon be behind me...I should hope! Anyway, back to the point - here I am yet again, on the cusp of a brand new year (2012 is really just a day away), looking back at a fascinating year gone by. A year filled with brokenness made whole; a year of endless travels; a year of finding my academic footing (more or less); a year of new friendships and the embrace of family relations more so than ever...it's been quite a year really!

So 2012...what does it have in store for me anyway? Surely we all wish for good-will to come our way, but who knows? All I know is that I treasure the experiences that I've had and the (mostly) amazing people I've come to know and love over this year (and all the years preceding that). And as for the rest of the journey ahead, I can only put on an optimistic front and hope...

Hope for what, you say? Perhaps some of my hopes for 2012 look like this:
- Finally graduating from university (really!)
- Finding a companion in life (you've got to love the way I phrased that, hey? I do know I'm not getting any younger, but as much as it's ideal to settle down in the near future...it's really a matter of finding the right match!)
- Finding a suitable job back home in Australia

And that's it really, I'm that simple (no matter how ironic that may sound)! Regardless, I just know that 2012 will sort itself out appropriately (as life always does)...so my hopes aside, I don't have any particular resolutions to make. There are many new challenges that lie ahead in the new year with the transition to work and moving back home to Australia after a long hiatus in Sweden/Singapore/everywhere else...but with such a supportive family like mine and a few good friends that make my world that much brighter, things will be just fine! In the same vein, as we go into the new year, I pray that each and everyone of you will find peace in embracing 2012 as it will be. Happy New Year everyone! :D

Mind and soul in transit

2011-10-05T00:35:00.000+02:00

As the Swedish chapter is coming to an end, I find myself sitting and reflecting on the entire experience. I ask myself what I have gained from it, how I have grown from it, and why I chose to pursue living abroad again.

And strangely enough, as much as I've gathered new perspectives to things and come to know myself a bit better...I find that my last year and a bit in Stockholm has garnered the same feelings and rather similar lessons in life as did my previous living abroad experiences. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I find Stockholm to be a waste of time. I think it just helped me to better define the things I once felt I was unsure about. Cast out into another dimension by myself, I wanted to see if I would function better in an environment that was vastly different from all my previous ones. The past year and a bit was a bit of a living experiment, to be honest. And as much as I appreciate the quaint beauty of Europe and met people who broadened my perspectives to things, I don't think this is the place for me to thrive on at this stage in my life. For some reason or another, I don't think I could belong here. But who knows, maybe I'll have another go somewhere else in Europe in the future? I won't discount that.

Yet again, this is not to say that I want to go home - whatever that term means anyway. To me, home is not something that is tangible. It is something that lies in your heart - it is where your most treasured possessions and loved ones are at. So, having lived a little bit here, there, there and over there...I'm a bit of a mess on that front. Furthermore my immediate family is based in two different countries, and we all shuttle to and from our home country on a very regular basis. So, my heart is always in a bit of a flutter between places...and for me to say that I prefer one "home" over the other is tough business. It always has been and I hate being confronted with that.

Of course, I will have to settle someday soon. I have said that I am very sick of being on a plane every couple of weeks, and I still am. But I cannot see myself being cooped up in the drudgery that Singapore is (bless my home country, but after a few weeks there I'm tearing my hair out wondering how I ever managed to call it home over eight years ago - but then again, I was a child who had never thought twice about living abroad in the past, so it was a very different scenario). I also refuse to accept that I will be growing semi-senile in Melbourne (your days of youth are the most vital, and I don't really wish to be ageing prematurely in way too laid-back/randomly located Australia for now). For now though, I have to go home to be with the parents for a bit and sort out some remaining issues I have to deal with in Melbourne and Singapore. However, you can count on the fact that I will be up and going again in the near future (give me a few years maximum).

Next destination for living abroad: somewhere in East Asia. I've always been enamoured by this region, but I didn't want to commit to full-time work here yet because I wasn't sure if I made the most informed choice (hence trying somewhere else first, i.e. Sweden). I have been there before when I was younger for study abroad, but I want to venture further this time. Alluring cultures that are not like my own, but similar enough for me to feel like I belong...and for me to want to learn from it. Cutting-edge cities vibrant enough for me to spend the rest of my youth in, yet a stone's throw away from nature whenever I want it. Also, it will be geographically closer to the family given that it's in the Asia-Pacific region. Another plus is the fact that there are four seasons, unlike the endless sweltering summers in South East Asia. So that's the next plan.

But for now, I need to count my blessings. I'm thankful for the European experience. It has added on to my experiences in Singapore, Seoul and Australia...and better defined who I am today and where I want to go tomorrow. And as people say, this is not goodbye. It's just a see you later...and I will be back again soon. Hej då, Sverige...and hello to the horrible transition period between Singapore/Australia.

Food for thought

2011-09-12T23:33:00.002+02:00

While doing reading on the topic of "personalising learning" and trying to link it to the models of educational management and leadership which I'm currently learning about in my ongoing course, I came across a quote which really spoke volumes for my interest in focusing on how educators interact with students on the ground level - do they provide students with the environment required (time, space - both physical and in the programming/curriculum itself, resources, a pre-existing culture of adhering to children's rights, etc.) so that students are encouraged to be genuinely involved in a two-way teaching/learning process which will likely see the best outcomes for the students?

Of course, what can or cannot be done in such situations is also very much linked to the broader social agenda that is in place in each specific community - local, regional, national. And on top of that, many other factors also come into play - teacher's qualifications, their beliefs, the school principals beliefs, the management and leadership style of the school itself, the family backgrounds from which the students hail, etc.

But either way, the quote below sums the gist of things so succinctly. And it just gives me more inspiration to get my current course paper out of the way so I can work full-time on this whole interest area for the thesis...

"Students are not merely educational shoppers in the marketplace; they are creators of their own educational experience. Their voice can help shape provision, both as a means of engaging students in their own learning - the co-producers of education - and as a means of developing their talents - using their voice to help create choices. (What we need is)...an education system where the system is moulded around the child, not the child around the system; an education system that identifies the true potential of every child and then gives them the means to achieve it. It...should be what Government wants for every child (CERI 2006, pp. 29-30)"

Reference:
Centre for Educational Research and Innovation (CERI) (2006) Schooling for tomorrow: personalising education. France: Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) Publishing

Inspiration to believe

2011-09-09T01:29:00.000+02:00

While I absolutely cannot concentrate on studying tonight (boo to me), I have been meaning to write here...so why not? Yes, priorities...another area of my life that clearly needs to be worked upon :(

Anyhow, lately I've been itching very badly to get out of the mould that I currently am in - that is, the one of me being a perpetual student. Of course, I'm not saying that learning ends once you're done with your formal education...but I have actually been at university for six years and running, and there have been NO GAPS in my education whatsoever (yes, okay, so that's a blessing in that I didn't "waste" time with the gap year, but on the other hand...I am also dying to go out there and begin working life - oh surprise surprise)! My internship over the summer definitely helped to realise that there is so much that university doesn't teach you, and that I've got so many varied experiences out there in the workplace to savour.

And of course, since I started on the issue of the "working life", I naturally starting asking myself why I was doing what I was doing. Basically, I've never been one to choose paths based on how much income I will earn. My understanding is that you will spend a huge chunk of your life at work, and that I want to be in love with what I do. Clearly, there will be moments where everyone feels tired from a long day's work/a particularly busy period at work. But essentially, I want to be passionate about what I do for a living - I want it to fulfil my very purpose in life.

Although I'm not very intellectual, talented, or anything along those lines...I've had the blessing of being surrounded by extremely supportive family and friends, whilst having doors of opportunity open up to me at the most timely moments in my life thus far. I'm actually surprised that I've managed to turn little bits of my dream into reality. There's still a bit to go, but I'm pretty much on track at the moment to get to where I would love to be. Not that I know if it's the best thing for my life, because you never know until you get there eventually (it's funny how some things don't turn out as you plan in life, but something else pops up instead of what you've envisioned...and on later hindsight, you realise that the unexpected change in plan served you much better than you could imagine if you had stuck to your original plan)!

So whenever the road seems long, and when I cannot seem to get down to studying (like right now), I try to keep everything in perspective...and I motivate myself to press on. The end goal is in short-term sight for me now anyway (regarding the completion of university, should everything go smoothly - which basically depends on how I work now, really)!

Finally, I want to leave you all by saying that I'm so motivated by my peers to work hard for what I want. I truly believe that I probably know some of the most brilliant people of my time - people who will be future leaders of a slew of fields and industries. Scientists, lawyers, bankers, analysts, auditors, NGO/government civil servants, health care professionals, journalists/media and communications people, fashion industry people, TEACHERS (that had to be in caps, because I know how hard you guys work and are often so under appreciated. You are genuine everyday superheroes: how you balance children, parents, principals, the other teaching staff, planning, endless meetings, professional regulations run by the local/state/federal government, ongoing professional development and research into how you can continue best practice...PLUS your own personal lives - why, I'm basically one of you...and I may just as well go back to the classroom in the near future)...and the list goes on. And seeing my peers succeed so early in their careers makes me so very proud of their achievements. Plus, I feel so propelled to work hard to get to where I want to be too - because I've come to the conclusion that a lot of the so-called "success" is attributable to dedication and passion, then maybe some good professional connections and the right timing. So thank you, every single one of you, friend or acquaintance...for giving me the inspiration to know that I CAN :)

And so it is, that I should now attempt to get back to the books...or to go to bed. Bless you all!

Falling in love all over again...with the Europe dream.

2011-08-25T22:34:00.003+02:00

Am I really going crazy, or is it just that I think that I am going crazy?

Arrived back in Stockholm a few days ago...after having experienced the most wonderful summer break I've ever had in my life, where I was blessed to be able to do the things that I love, spend quality time with the people that I love...and in places that I call home (and would potentially love to call home).

And as much as I played out the usual teary-eyed child at the departure halls in Tokyo, Melbourne and finally Singapore...in my heart I knew that I didn't have very long left to treasure the Scandinavian chapter of my life, and a little flame in my heart still burned for Europe. After all, sooner rather than later, I'd be back in Asia to continue my research and work on potential job opportunities in the home region.

So it is, I came back to absolutely gorgeous summer weather, to a lovely Swedish family...to this place that was caught somewhere between history and modernity, where cool was the mode of life. And for the very first time ever since I first set foot on this land, I felt like I belonged to this place called Stockholm. Perhaps a few good months in the Asia-Pacific had worn me down so much so that I desired to find calm on my very own. Perhaps I had forgotten how long and hard the Swedish winter was.

But why is it that when I see photos of a white winter, I find myself kind of missing it? Maybe it's the novelty after having being scorched in Singapore and Tokyo this past summer. And then again, at night I cosy up in my basement cranny in suburban Stockholm, scented candle lit, listening to BBC Radio 3 (which is by far the most perfect radio channel I've ever set my ears on - it's Classical, by the way)...and I find the music transporting me around the various beautiful cities in Europe where cobble-stone streets, grand palaces, age-old churches and other stunning pieces of architecture still stand. And it's the simple moments like this, that make me wish that my time in Europe would never come to an end.

Of course, ideally, wouldn't it be lovely to spend a third of my year in Asia, another third in Europe, and the last third in Australia (by no means of order of preference)? But I've been so blessed as it is to be able to experience life in so many marvellous places. Who's to say where is next? I think I've come to the point where I'll just go where life takes me...so here we go, chance and opportunity. After all, the world is my oyster, no? I really hope so.

Pensive mode, once again

2011-07-11T11:55:00.000+02:00

After a month long internship with an NGO, and five weeks of being home in Singapore, I've been challenged in ways previously unforeseen...and as much as my future (career-wise) is brighter than it has ever been, I have some concerns about the things that matter in life.

It's as if I am going through a re-evaluation of my life thus far, as I am set to make some critical decisions regarding my immediate (and medium-term) future.

One thing is for sure though. I have woken up to many realisations about life, relationships and my sense of belonging. Sure, I am (a bit) of a restless soul in terms of my countless relocations across the globe (and travels)...but above it all, I am tired. And I am trying to come to terms with where I want to see myself being based in the very near future.

When you don't have options in life, you are holed up in a sad, repressive kind of state. When you have too many options in life, it creates (to some extent), unnecessary chaos in the course of prudence. I would very much like to retire and not have to think. Because I am beginning to feel less and less at home in Singapore (as much as it will always be my first love, I have come to the realisation that life in Singapore has altered to such an extent that I find it hard to come to terms with), slightly uncertain about Australia (as always), and clearly over Sweden. Do I choose to evade the ever-present question of where to call home, and choose to move somewhere else yet again? But seriously, that is so tiring and I would prefer to avoid that for now.

Chances are, I will let the best job offer decide for me in the near future. Either way, I'd love to be able to start my own home somewhere. But that won't be anywhere in a while.

I guess for now, I should just focus on my trip to Tokyo tomorrow. So here goes, JAPAN for the first time in my life!! Why do I feel like it won't be my last trip? Hmmm...

Post-October 2011 woes

2011-06-02T14:39:00.000+02:00

It's officially the summer break. The day after tomorrow, I will be on my way home to Singapore - after months of anticipation. As much as I'm excited to be going home, it's going to be a very busy time for me...trying to sort out my direction insofar as my academic career is concerned, being preoccupied with having to create alternative plans for my life post-October 2011.

As you may or may not know it, I have been eyeing an internship at the UNESCO headquarters for the longest time in my life. A few days ago, I submitted my application for an internship position at the Basic Education unit at this same HQ. As much as I believe that I am qualified for the position, it is a very competitive internship where only one in five applicants get accepted. So I really cannot say very much about how this will turn out, but hope...

So my plans following the completion of my elective at Stockholm University are really uncertain. In reality, this means that in about four odd months time, I cannot tell you (or myself, for that matter) where I will be and what I will be doing. If, by sheer blessing, I land my internship at UNESCO in Paris, that's where I will be. If I don't, I will be home in Singapore working on my thesis, possibly extending my work experience with the Asia-Pacific Regional Network for Early Childhood (ARNEC) Secretariat...or possibly doing an internship somewhere else? I just sat down to evaluate my options and came up with a list of other organisations I am interested in working with, in light of my uncertain life following October - time to update the CV again for the tenth time this year.

Life is getting a bit confusing right now. All I need is to sit in the library for hours on end and read up on my areas of interest, to work very hard at my summer internship with ARNEC...as well as spend some quality time with my family (on top of visiting Japan and Australia), on top of eating good food I have missed (also to fuel the brain).

I'm really excited for summer, all the endless opportunities that are likely to come from it...but on the other hand, I must say that I am worried as anything. And that's just silly, because why should I be? No matter what happens, everything is in His hands. I need to entrust my plans to Him and just work hard on whatever I've got now.

And for now, I really need to finish packing my bags and clean up my living area in the view that I will be gone from Stockholm for the entire summer. Life, here we go...!

The last month in a nutshell

2011-05-16T19:34:00.000+02:00

Why of course, it's time to get serious with my job as a full-time student...and here I am after two back-to-back holidays, trying to cope with the reality of having to submit a 4,000 word paper in about 9 days time. Can I do it? Yeah, sure (although it will probably involve me having to spill my guts out)!

But anyway, while I am trying to recover from the physical exhaustion of my trips to Poland and the Netherlands (and having dinner at that), I thought that I should give a little bit of an update on what's been going on. Not sure if I wrote about my trip to Russia since my last post either...but I've been away from Stockholm an awful lot in the last month - Helsinki, St. Petersburg, Moscow, Uppsala, Krakow, Warsaw, Amsterdam...

Places that I've always wanted to visit but never had the chance to yet. And every single destination was amazing - although I have to say that Russia was the mother of all trips! I savoured the entire experience, from almost getting abandoned by my travel group on our first day in St. Petersburg...to the Soviet train ride from Moscow to St. Petersburg, to the crazy cruise experience between St. Petersburg and Helsinki.

Uppsala: Well, little student town in Sweden, I've been before but I had to visit for Valborg...which was mad hectic, I didn't sleep a single wink that night...and some epic photos and videos were captured then! It was a really fun time with super fun people :)

And Poland...it was an absolutely lovely place which had affordable and extra yummy food, and lovely people to boot! Saw a 10th century medieval castle in Krakow, had lots of KFC, walked the old town in Warsaw...etc.

As for Amsterdam, well...all the cliches are true. Of all the countries I've visited so far, I think I appreciate Dutch architecture the most, as well as the countryside views when we rode the intercity trains. Only minus was that the tulips at Keukenhof had mostly died, but it was still a very lovely garden! We also saw the windmills at Zaanse Schans, and I also made the pilgrimage to the Miffy museum (or rather, Dick Bruna Huis) in Utrecht (and that place was TOTAL LOVE). And of course all the other usual touristy things were checked - coffeeshop visit, Red Light District, canal cruising...as well as the house in which Anne Frank lived (or the Anne Frank Huis). Also managed to catch up with two of my very good friends from my exchange days in Korea University...

So that was my life in a nutshell for the past month...and now I am a lot poorer and left with a huge load of studying to do - so I shall address that as soon as I finish my dinner! After next week, I will have a week to pack up and say bye to all the people who are living Stockholm when the semester is out, then it's finally time to go home (after 10 long months)! Will be doing an internship in the summer, then visiting the sister in Tokyo for a while. But till then, I shall be kept busy with my current workload. So till next time! :D

37 days left to home

2011-04-29T16:40:00.000+02:00

It's already the end of April, and there's so much to reflect on and to look forward to.

Spring is finally in full bloom in Stockholm. After months and months of waiting, I'm home in a little over a month for the summer break. I just got home from the most amazing trip I've made in the longest time - to Russia. Tomorrow, I'm off to Uppsala for the much talked about Valborg. I landed myself an internship for the summer, and am about to begin looking up flights to Japan to visit the sister in mid-July. I am also beginning to piece myself together to begin applications for an internship in self-study component in the Fall semester. Next week, I'm off to Krakow and Warsaw in Poland...then to Amsterdam (and most possibly, other Dutch cities).

When I get back it's full on studying, packing, and saying goodbye to all the people I've come to know and love this past Spring semester. And before I know it...I'll be back in humid Singapore, eating foods that I've craved for too long, and being with some of the family again.

It's so unreal, I'm almost done with my first year at Stockholm University. I survived the long Scandinavian winter, met the most interesting of people, travelled to places I'd only dream of travelling to, had experiences which not everyone could live to see.

Life is good, I've been blessed. And I can only keep looking forward to what lies ahead in the days, months and years to come...

Such is life...

2011-04-18T02:57:00.001+02:00

That in the past month...

I have been permanently erased away from the life of someone who I held utmost regard for and had hoped in for months on end
I have been asked to consider if I ever thought of losing weight
A friend who took a look at my Facebook photos got the biggest shock of her life when I said that my sister was older than me
I have been made to feel like I am completely inadequate given that I am not in a top-notch graduate school

But why does my heart and my head decide to listen to the things that do no good to me? Why? In all honesty, I have to tread my own path in life. I need to hold my head up high and battle all the fires that decide to crop up in my life. For every person who decides to say or do something that pains me, I keep telling myself that I am no longer a child, and that I need to stand strong.

What good would it do, if I crumbled every time I faced an obstacle in my life? Life is, after all, no bed of roses. How can I ever become the person I want to be with such a weak attitude? That being said, all the aforementioned comments I have made about what has gotten to me in the past month...they all seem so insignificant to my current life (although I also have to admit here that the very first point still decides to revisit my cloud of thought from time to time, and pains me still).

And there you go, another absolutely useless post from yours truly.

Argh!

2011-04-10T23:09:00.000+02:00

Sometimes, I really wonder where all my time went. Who's to believe that I've been living in Sweden for over seven odd months now, and that it's now already April 2011 (and Spring - where we have an average of almost 14 hours of daylight each day as compared to December, where we had an average of 6 odd hours of daylight everyday)?!

I suppose it's kind of scary that it is already April. In about two months time, I'm heading home (well, my original home) for the summer. As much as it's a long-anticipated trip back, I'm also kept very busy with the fact that I have to make travel/work/play plans for summer (not going to be spending my entire summer break in Singapore no matter how much I love it...because over-doing it will really serve me no purpose at present, particularly since my immediate family is scattered across the globe now)...as well as my Fall semester work/travel/living arrangements when I return to Europe in late August.

And after next week, I'm off to Helsinki, St. Petersburg and Moscow for the Easter break...followed by travels to Poland, the Netherlands and Ibiza in May (not forgetting that I have to submit my final paper for the semester/pack up for home/smoothen out all my study plans with my supervisor before I say goodbye to Stockholm for a little while).

Okay, I'm going to breathe...and gradually conquer all the things I need to do. Wish me luck! :)

Because we all know what it's like to hurt behind closed doors...

2011-03-31T02:10:00.000+02:00

We have all been there before...we have been let down in some way or another in life. And sometimes, the pain that you are put through is just really senseless. Nothing you do can amend the situation at hand, even if you try your best. It is then that you start to question your self-worth, although you know that doing that in itself is one of the most idiotic things you could ever do in life.

Yes, it happens even when you've been hurt by the people who really just prove that they are seemingly very mean human beings...and you know that you should STOP thinking already and move on. To which I say...OF COURSE. I will definitely move on. I have already internalized so much as a result of the events that unfolded in the past couple of weeks. I have even gotten past the bitterness stage, and am now just feeling rather sorry for the way things ended (and for the particular person in question - bless your soul, with no sarcasm intended whatsoever). I am probably in no real position to forgive, but if it is warranted, I will forgive with an open heart - I never ever like to leave relationships (no matter how big or small) antagonised.

But as the saying goes...you can forgive, but you will never forget. And as much as it is well and truly time for me to go on with life (which I believe I have in most senses), the memory of this pain will be etched in my mind and my heart for as long as I can probably remember. It will serve to make me better as a person, or so I hope. With time, the pain will ebb...but right now it's still pretty fresh, so please let me grieve in my own way. I shall try to keep this under wraps (i.e. behind closed doors) so that my dear friends can stop hearing me pop the topic in random day-to-day conversations (I know that you guys are sick of it, and I am sick of hearing myself like a broken record too).

I'll be fine, just needed to write things out to clear the brain junk as usual. And you, out there in the world somewhere, I continue to pray for you. Otherwise, I shall attempt to channel all my energy towards the rest of my study plans for the next year so that I can move onwards with something to call my own...

On women in top jobs

2011-03-26T22:27:00.000+01:00

And so it is, that I am cooped up in my room (not-so) frantically trying to get work done on my next course paper - which really is due in a few days time. And as I sit here completing my work, my mind simultaneously decides to take a little bit of a walk...and it starts to contemplate my next course of action insofar as my career is concerned.

I have come to realize that such thoughts always come to me at the most unforetold times. Talk about focus!

So anyway, I was thinking about the possibility of the seemingly impossible...of perhaps landing myself in public administration one day. More specifically, I'd love to be managing educational policies and frameworks - leaning more towards the early childhood side of life. Then I thought about the actual likelihood of a woman like me, becoming a top civil servant - or if God-willing, a top international civil servant.

What are the chances? I'm not the most intellectual person you can meet, I didn't pursue my education at any of the top-ranked prestigious universities often linked to the aristocratic, and I am a woman. And no matter how much I'd like to say that women can do as well or even better than men in life...reality does seem to bite a little. So at a tertiary level, there are way more women then men pursuing their education...and women are known to be more intellectually-inclined than men are...but when it comes to the workforce, the gender gap at top management levels still remain very disparate (note: I will provide figures as necessary when I don't have to worry about my current course paper).

Sure, there isn't a point in worrying about the future at all...but I do feel that some amount of thinking is required when it comes to the career front of things. A lot of it is about the being at the right place at the right time (in simple speak, it is about opportunity)...but you also have to create a bit of a path for yourself in some way or form.

Why is it that such top positions elude us women? Is it because a lot of us decide to start our own families and care for our children when we do? Is it because we are "emotionally weaker" and are seen as less capable of handling the pressure that comes with those positions? Or are women just blowing the age-old debate of gender disparity out of proportion?

So yes, as usual...those were just a couple of random thoughts that were running through my head. But I really should stop contemplating this now and get back to work for a bit. Perhaps when I am done with my course paper, I should start reading up a bit on women in public administration - that would make an interesting read!

The reasons why

2011-03-15T18:40:00.003+01:00

Everyone is probably why I'm updating my Facebook status so frantically and am so into the situation that Japan is facing now. Although I'm so far away from Japan right now, the disaster that Japan is facing wounds me in so many ways.

For one, I've had such an immensely tough week on the personal life front prior to the news of the earthquake, subsequent tsunami and nuclear disaster that Japan was hit with on Friday. Things really spun out of control when a particular matter in my life got me re-evaluating where I was at present and how things were just so wrong in so many senses. I was angry, sad, confused and totally worn out by how I had prioritised my life in the past months...and I felt so much like I was going through a premature onset of mid-life crisis in the middle of last week.

And just as I thought I would have barely enough strength to pick myself up from the mud, the events in Japan unfolded so tragically on Friday. As you may or may not know, my sister and her boyfriend are now based in Tokyo. It's a good distance away from the brunt of the tsunami, but the nuclear meltdown crisis is extremely concerning. That, combined with the fact that I have some very good Japanese friends and have always been so touched by their poise and calm regardless of any situation...it really hurt me to see Japan face so many issues on so many fronts - earthquakes, aftershocks, tsunamis, nuclear meltdown crisis.

Seeing how much they were suffering so graciously in this tough period reminded me so much of my near-death experience in December - not going to repeat the story again, but to cut everything short...had the terrorist attack in Stockholm been successful, I would definitely have died. Things that you always think that will never happen to you, when they defy all the odds to affect you, it changes your life forever. You become so much more sensitive to the plight of others facing similar seemingly unfathomable tragedies...particularly when it happens again, and to the people you love the most. I've been there before Sarah, left to reel in the aftershock of it all on my own, in a foreign country so far away from home. You can pull through and I am thinking of you at this difficult time. Also am thinking of all the Japanese people and am wishing I could do more than hope and pray for them.

Given that I've been doubting my course of study here in Stockholm for the past few weeks, and that it's so difficult to be away from the immediate family at this moment of tension (added on to the fact that we are all over the world, although I'm probably the furthest away from everyone else geographically)...I really just want to go home and take a break, get some perspective, and rejuvenate...almost. But it's ridiculous, I cannot give up just like that. I have a course paper due in two weeks and I am trying so hard to focus on getting it done. Oh, the things I would do to be in the presence of my family again at this very moment. But I'm an adult, I chose this path, it's something I need to stick out...

Everything is in His hands, but everything has built-up to take it's toll on my body. I feel so tired, so weak. And I keep praying for my family in Japan, my friends in Japan, my family in Australia, my family in Singapore. I miss you all so very much. I don't want to let you down...but most importantly, I don't want to let myself down. I will try my best to overcome, in His strength.

Loving you all as always,
Debbie

Lately

2011-03-09T16:46:00.001+01:00

I miss being able to feel the warm sunshine on my skin, green grass, and taking solitary walks in the park just by my haven in Melbourne.

I miss going on drives with my dad, having my late night hot drink in the kitchen...and life chats in the living room till the wee hours of the morning.

I even miss arguing with my mum over the silliest of things.

Sometimes, I am still astonished by the fact I am now 23, living in Stockholm, and undertaking my second postgraduate degree. Where did time go? What am I doing with what I've got?

Lately, I have been thinking about my life. I haven't managed to have some time out to myself to sit and think...in front of a blank screen or piece of paper.

Think about what? I hear you say. To just think, to re-evaluate my direction in life. Because if you know me by now, as much as I like to have fun and be random...I'm the kind of person who thrives on challenge, an analysis of things, and heart to heart talks.

As of late, many things in my life have been going out of hand. How things spiralled out of control, I cannot justify. I am a strong believer in the knowledge that above all else, I must never let myself down in life. What happens though, when I look back and know that I have brought misery upon myself...clearly knowing that I was headed down a path of complete destruction to begin with? It makes me wonder if growing older really equates to becoming wiser. Because it seems like I have revisited this same folly before. Or is it that I was just being human...showing signs of complete inadequacy? Clearly, I faltered. And I will keep faltering in life.

Do I reiterate to myself the same mantra I have been repeating to myself over and over again in my growing up years? That I have the keys to my own life, that nothing and nobody can take that from me? That as much as I cannot always make sense in my life all the time, what is critical is that I extract from life's bitterness...a valuable life lesson that will see me becoming bigger, better and stronger as a person?

Is there any way to believe otherwise? No, don't worry. Nothing that happened recently warrants my wanting to end my life or anything along those drastic lines. It's just that the things that I got embroiled in lately have prompted a lot of thinking about how I have been handling life matters in general, how I have prioritised things...and the like.

And as much as they say that you never live your life in regret, I can't help but feel ~~just a little bit~~ angry at myself for allowing my life to while away just like that. Either way, I just needed an outlet to vent in. And what better way to do that then to translate my thoughts into words? After all, it's one of the few things in life that I am probably good at.

To end off on a happier note, I will say that I have always been the biggest advocate of the fact that I know myself best, and that if I don't love myself...then nothing can redeem me. So I will love myself. Wholly and unconditionally.

Dear everyone, THANK YOU!

2011-02-21T17:48:00.000+01:00

I just got home from my four night "holiday" in Lappis land. And as I reflect on the events of the past few days and nights, I just want to say the BIGGEST THANK YOU to everyone who has made my birthday happen. For all the gifts, cards, wall messages, private messages, text messages, calls from all over the globe...and for your presence and effort on my actual birthday celebrations right here in Stockholm...

You have made my turning a year older so much sweeter (and less painful)! What would a birthday be, without the company of your nearest and dearest...? So thank you. It's been a great weekend - pre-partying, partying, and recuperating.

Now if I may, I'd like to say that it's my dear sister's birthday today (February 22nd), so please give it up for Miss Sarah Fang! You are now officially a year older than me (yes, the three day buffer period we live through every year is over). Here's hoping you get wiser, prettier and smarter (just joking)! Love you lots.

p.s. THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN FOR ALL YOUR LOVE. It moves me to no end, to know that people still give a hoot about me even though I'm a rather mediocre human being. Cheers :D

Now that I have two seconds to myself...

2011-02-03T23:39:00.000+01:00

As it is, this semester is shaping up to be a super intense one. Since I last wrote, I have met so many amazing new people, am now able to speak my beloved Singlish again (thanks to my Singaporean friends that arrived at SU a few weeks back), travelled to France and Swedish Lapland, and am now completely exhausted from the hustle and bustle that has been my life in the past few weeks.

Between hanging out with my new friends, going to class, travelling and doing my amazing loads of laundry and general housekeeping whenever I find myself at home...I have not had any alone time, nor have I been a good family member or friend to my people in Singapore, Australia and Japan. Time to get back on track with the serious stuff in life for a bit!

But before I go retire to bed so that I can get up bright (well this may not be an appropriate term to use in my context given that I do live in Stockholm) and early, I just want to annoy everyone again (or maybe not) by wishing all the Chinese folks out there a very Happy Chinese New Year! All my non-Chinese friends are probably sick of me saying this like a broken record, but it IS the biggest celebration on the calendar for us...and yes, the scale of our celebrations for this season triumphs Christmas x18303840320383075 times (it goes for 15 days, and we get at least two and half consecutive days off work for it in Singapore, and even more in China).

We visit our family and friends, adhere to lots of fun superstitions (e.g. wearing bright colours and new clothes for the first few days of Chinese New Year, having to greet your elders with two mandarin oranges and auspicious sayings when you go visit their houses, not being able to sweep floors on the first day of Chinese New Year, and the list goes on and on and on...), get red packets filled with money from our married relatives and friends (only applicable to young singles), and have a jolly good time playing cards and eating the most amazing variety of cookies and lots of other indulgent foods throughout the 15 days of Chinese New Year. To begin the year right, we also have lion dances and toss fish salad (this is a Singaporean version of Chinese New Year). And I have probably missed out on a lot of other bits and pieces of the entire period that we call Chinese New Year, but that's just scraping the ice of it.

So I am so far away from family and home, in a place where there is not even a Chinatown or remotely decent Asian food...but it's okay. I will survive. Will not miss the next Chinese New Year! But till then, may everyone have a blessed Year of the Rabbit - may you all stay healthy, find happiness, be prosperous, and see nothing but a general bettering of your lives. And because I am not home, please...eat more on my part, collect more red packets this year (also on my part), and enjoy the company of your loved ones at this special time more so than ever (because you are so lucky to be in their presence while I cannot afford to be there)! Peace from Sweden.

Excite!

2011-01-10T21:05:00.000+01:00

I must be the slowest person on the face of this earth. I've been calling Stockholm "home" since August 21st last year, but it is only now that I am starting to feel like I am actually based in Europe. I take forever to get used to new places - but that being said, even though I've had quite a few life experiences in various countries, Sweden was on another end of the radar in terms of people, food, weather, culture, etc.

The beauty of it all is...just as I am starting to feel relatively comfortable in Sweden, I DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE IT JUST YET! The worse thing about moving abroad is having to leave just when you feel like you're starting to settle into your life in a new land. Technically, I'm here for another year and a bit. And I will be based in Stockholm for the rest of the semester, at the very least (if life will have it, it's hello to life in other exciting cities in Europe for Fall 2011). So...it's time to start savouring what Sweden is, and what the rest of Europe is too (HELLO TRAVELS)! After all, I'm basically a quarter way through with my studies in Sweden...and as time will have it, I will soon find myself graduating and wondering where all my time had gone.

So here's to the best year yet: to new career opportunities, new friends, new places, and a renewed zest to life! 23...BRING IT!!

Goodbye 2010...

2010-12-30T00:10:00.003+01:00

While I can still afford to skive for a very little bit (the next 5 days will be wholly dedicated to studying/eating/sleeping/trips to the supermarket as needed/very brief conversations with the family overseas), let me take the time now to do my annual end-of-year write-up.

Isn't it absolutely crazy how quickly time passes? We're on the doorstep of a brand new year again (well, the English new year anyway)! I can even recall the exact content I penned on this same blog at around the same time of the year...in 2007. I have most definitely seen the biggest growth in my life over the past two odd years. Since I hit the second decade of my life, every year just got a bit more hectic...and this year is no exception. In fact, I can perhaps declare 2010 the most eventful year of my life so far.

Now, let me try to give you a (not-so) brief timeline of major happenings of 2010...

Early January 2010:
One fine afternoon during my lazy summer break, while I was killing time at home in good old Melbourne waiting desperately for my bi-annual trip to the motherland (Singapore)...I allowed myself to linger a bit longer on the persistent thought of moving overseas (yes, the wanderlust never once departed from my soul ever since I got home from Seoul in 2008), and this thought came to mind: "Where would I go if I had embarked on another semester of exchange? Hmmm, I've done Asia. Not interested in Africa. Not interested in the Americas. That leaves me with Europe...not very interested in the UK - wouldn't be that new to me even though I've never been - English tradition basically runs in Australia and Singapore was a British colony. Mmmm, Sweden seems to have excellent early childhood programmes that are highly sought after, and they appear to be a pretty refined culture. Very interesting. Damn it! I'm only left with one semester of my postgraduate program at Melbourne University and there's no way I'd ever be able to go on student exchange again. Wait, what do I want to do following my graduation from Melbourne University? It would be so nice to pursue something that links international studies with education - both my areas of study up till now. Oh, let's Google "studying in Sweden" and see what comes up..."!

Next thing you know, I have found the exact course that would combine my undergraduate and postgraduate areas of interest into one...at Stockholm University, and education in Sweden is tuition-free (never knew that till this year), course begins in August, I finish with Melbourne Uni by June...application dates for Stockholm Uni close in 3 days time. I applied out of the blue, the very same day all of this came to me. The next day, I went to my previous universities, got all my academic transcripts verified, and express mailed it to Sweden. No loss if I didn't get accepted anyway, I was pretty much set to become a teacher by the middle of the year, and I kind of want to start having a stable income so I can get a home-loan deposit down and start owning my first piece of property.

May 2010:
SERIOUSLY. What just happened? I got accepted into the program at Stockholm University. I am now not so sure that I want to leave home for two years. It kind of scares me, and I'm not sure that this is what I want...but after a few days of complete agony (I even got angry that I got accepted, because I remember telling myself when I applied in January: "Look, if I get accepted, I'm meant to go. If I don't, no big deal. But if I get in, I should go.")...I accepted the offer from Stockholm University. Goodbye first-home ownership dreams (for now anyway).

Early June/July 2010:
I've never failed any of my subjects at university. It was apparently impossible to be failed in the teaching faculty, especially on practicum. But hey, just a few days away from my completing my entire block placement for the semester (and my final one which would see me graduating with my Masters in Teaching), my supervisor at my primary school placement tells me that she is not going to pass me anyway. She never once acknowledges the effort that I have put in to my placement block (oh yes, working till 11-ish pm every night of the school week and getting to class half an hour before my reporting time each day to prepare for lessons, and working throughout recess and most of my lunch breaks, staying on after school to prepare for the next day/attend meetings), and just finds every single opportunity to bring me down. And no, my supervisor from university also never saw this coming and I was left in a complete lurch. It was one of those situations where I found myself struggling really hard to survive, but doom was pertinent anyway and no matter how hard or much I tried...nothing could save me. It was the worst feeling ever, in my final semester of my studies too.

I basically spent the next month and a half crying like a baby almost every single night and feeling super defeated - literally felt sick to turn up to my placement, whatever was left of it (my supervisor even told me "You can choose not to finish your placement if you want", to which I obviously felt like I was going to be written off by her and wanted to finish what I set out to do even if she deemed me a failure...so I finished it even though I knew I wasn't going to pass). But on the bright side of things my Swedish visa arrived and I was set to go off to Europe for two years anyway. And I managed to get a meeting with the Dean of the Melbourne Graduate School of Education (plus a couple other members of staff from the faculty) to have my reprieve - that was the sweetest day of my life, weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and I felt like everything in my life made sense again. Being able to have my say about what went wrong with the system...plus I can now re-do the entire semester's worth of placements by 2013 (so I'll be going home to do that after I finish in Sweden).

August 2010
I set foot in Sweden. So surreal to be here after everything that happened so far this year. Without a place to live, because Stockholm is just that difficult with housing. Within a week of being completely stressed out of my mind, I find housing with the nicest Swedish family ever (my cousin's friend's family), and have set up house. I have now officially moved countries three times in my life.

December 2010
I was walking down a main street in downtown Stockholm with one of my dearest friends here. To cut a long story short, we were about to make a left-turn into a side street, and just as we were going to make a turn into that corner, an explosion goes off. We run into the nearest store on the right to find refuge, and when the smoke clears, we see a man lying motionless about seven metres away from where we were standing as the explosion went off. We nearly almost died, and later news reports tell us that he was a failed suicide terrorist who has six pipe bombs on him - only one exploded, and he probably wanted to detonate himself in the main street anyway. It is completely divine that I am alive today, it's like a second lease at life...it still astonishes me today.

So those were the key events that shaped my 2010. What a year it's been. And as tradition will have it, I am very certain that 2011 will not fall short of events - I've already got a couple of things up my sleeve to work on for 2011.

No New Year's Eve celebrations (I'll be working on my course paper which is due on January 4th), but I'm off to the South of France in mid-January, then to Swedish Lapland in late January to see the Northern Lights. And I've got a Singaporean friend coming over for exchange at SU next semester (yes, local company)! Plus, Chinese New Year in early February (Asian kids, we need to have reunion dinner, come on...), and my 23rd in the later part of the month. Plus I need to start planning/prepping for my thesis (so I may be able to do some ground work in Singapore in June)...and vet my internship and elective plans for Fall 2011 with my institute at SU (pray, UNESCO in Paris and IoE in London in Fall 2011...please please please). And any other travels that may fall in between the gaps throughout the year...we'll see. Also, will be home in Singapore in early June, saving July to visit my sister in Tokyo, and who knows what else...

So in short, 2011 will be a lot more hectic! And I AM VERY EXCITED. I have a couple of things I want to achieve in the new year, but I shall not label them resolutions because...they don't get done when you become "resolute" at New Year's. Ahem, I will try to work on re-learning Chinese and some French in 2011 (yeah, languages that I half picked up are now coming back to haunt me again)...

But for now, because my end-of-year post has become an endless train of incoherent thoughts, I shall leave you with my warmest blessings for the upcoming year. Whatever you may have experienced this year (or yesterday) is just part of the journey in life - there's lots more to come! So take all the good times and moments of pain in your stride...and make sure that your tomorrow is a reflection how you have been made better by your past experiences.

To everyone of who has played any part (small or large) in my life in 2010 (and actually, all the years preceding 2010), I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for making my life what it is today so that I am able to face tomorrow with such zest. Have a very Happy New Year, may you live with your purpose in mind and your nearest and dearest in your heart always :)

Checking in again

2010-12-20T02:01:00.003+01:00

So lately all I've been writing about seems to be rather depressing...but I'm beginning to weed out the negativity that recently engulfed my life. And while I am getting back to the business of things by turning my focus back into my studies...I'm also looking into exploring more of this amazing continent that I am currently calling home.

I've been here for about four months, and all I've been doing is settle in to life in Sweden - first finding a place to live, getting used to tertiary education here, setting up my social life, having my family over for a bit, going through sporadic episodes of extreme homesickness, and starting work at a preschool. I've watched the weather change so drastically over the past months, and I cannot even imagine how I used to think that it was cold about 2 months ago. I've also watched events unfold in my social life that are rather unimaginable, and am about to see some of my friends leave Stockholm for good after spending their semester of study abroad at Stockholm University.

To say the least, it's been very hectic since I arrived here in late August. So I think it is a rather fair call that I haven't travelled out of Stockholm much...even though it's not everyday that I have such easy access to a bunch of places where I've always wanted to visit but never could because I used to live about a day away by plane.

But 2011 promises to be a year of travels and progress on the study/career front. To say that I am excited is a serious understatement. First up for travels in January next year: Marseille and Lapland! But till then, I have a course paper to write and defend, as well as my thesis topic to consider in more seriousness...and a draft letter for my internship applications for next Fall. Focus...

And while I attempt to drown myself in some quality studying, allow me to leave you with snippets of thoughts that have run through my mind recently (things that I had never considered before living in Sweden):
- When you think that 99 SEK (15 AUD) for a not so good meal is actually reasonable, you know that you've been living in Sweden for too long...
- When it's hovering around the -5 degrees to -10 celsius average this late in December, you're starting to wonder why people actually say that Sweden is cold - it actually doesn't seem so bad (and is quite tolerable)...I really expected it to be colder.
- Snow is annoying, and snow boots are the greatest things anyone can ever own (funny, because in Singapore where it's so insanely hot and humid, everyone dubs the air-conditioner to be the greatest invention ever). I've also gotten over the fact that I am likely to make more embarrassing falls in public - even though I try to walk super carefully, slips are eminent given the permanent frost on all ground surfaces outdoors.
- It has never occurred to me that I can go without eating rice and/or noodles (not talking instant noodles, because they aren't proper noodles - I'm thinking more along the lines of fresh noodles) for a while now. This thought does weird me out, because rice is such a staple to my diet. Maybe that's why my tummy was acting up a couple of weeks back - a severe lack of proper Asian food in my diet. I feel so sad, like I'm losing my culture. Okay, I'm going to start eating rice more often and attempt more Asian dishes in my cooking repertoire to keep my sanity going...
- I used to think that Swedish guys were really attractive...but I'm not buying that anymore. Just before I left Singapore in August, my best friend told me that she felt like I was more suited for an Asian boy. In retrospect, she was spot on. I think I'm clearly in the wrong continent (and definitely the wrong country) for that kind of stuff. Oh well, too bad for me then, I suppose.

That being said, it's back to the books...and fantasizing about my travels next month. Till the next update! :)

I need to stop, and live my life for my own.

2010-12-15T00:54:00.001+01:00

As much as the Lucia Ball was exactly what I needed to take a step back into normality, I find myself today contemplating the events of the past week. Life is so short. Why am I mulling over the negative things that have surfaced in my most recent days? After all, I have been shown immense love and support from family and friends from all over the world...

But here I am, lacking in sleep and an appetite, reflecting on how everything has snowballed into this huge big mess that my life currently appears to be.

But why do I doubt myself? Why do I feel so unworthy? I have just survived a failed suicide bomb attack...if the terrorist who was mere metres away from me when he blew himself up did succeed, I'd be, without a doubt...dead. My family would have to come identify my body. I would have had my wish of being cremated and having my ashes scattered at sea come true sooner rather than later.

Every second I'm alive, I'm just amazed. Amazed that I breathe, amazed that my heart beats, amazed that my fingers and toes move, amazed that I am still blinking every few seconds...

But as much as everyone has encouraged me, I have allowed myself to be cast into total oblivion of the blessed truth that I am alive. Why? Because I still give others permission to make me feel smaller, to make me feel like I do not deserve to be loved. Why does it feel like they hate me, for being me?

My life is too short for me to entertain such thoughts. But I still allow these useless thoughts to enter my subconscious, and to linger long enough so that they balloon into dark clouds in my head. I am so mad at myself for allowing my time to be wasted on such unproductive emotions. Every moment I am awake, it's an opportunity, a chance...for me to fulfill my purpose in life. The things and people who are not going to build me up, in all logic, they should not have a place right here, right now.

I am currently struggling to heal without having to seek professional help, with my nearest next-of-kin being almost a day away by plane ride, with my second family of international student friends falling apart...with Christmas coming up, my very first white Christmas in cold and dark Sweden...alone, stressed out in more ways than one, and in need of comfort.

But no, I feel guilt. All I feel is guilt. Guilty, because on one hand I do not deserve the ultimate care of all these people who have inundated me with love. Guilty, because I know that some people out there may be having a worst time in life than me (even though I feel like I'm hitting one of my utmost rock bottom moments in life)...and that they frown upon my inability to cope with it all (or so I think).

How sad can I get? Even in one of my loneliest, darkest moments alone in Sweden...I still cannot seem to respect my very self with all it's cares. When will I ever live for myself? Even when my life was almost robbed from me days ago, I'm made to feel subordinate...because I allow myself to be affected by what others say. I have to stop doing this to myself. My life is way too short.

On the other hand, something within me continues to fight against the odds. I have been through personal crises before. They may not have been as big and daunting as the one I currently face, but what can I not overcome? I have been through some, and I will continue to be challenged some more...and grow stronger from these experiences. As long as I am alive, I have to stand tall for myself.

If I don't love myself, nobody can. I am unwilling to be subject to someone else's whims. It is completely unfair to myself. I was given a life to live on my own. I was given a second chance at life on Saturday. I need to know this and be kinder to myself.

And in my deepest and darkest moments right now, who do I turn to? Who can I trust? I only have one way. As much as I don't like to preach, it's God. He who has stood by me throughout my days, despite my unfaithfulness from time to time, I have been worthless of His assurance and love...but it's there. It was that which protected me from harm on Saturday, that the suicide bomber killed only himself and nobody else. I'd have been the first to die if he did kill anyone.

So even though I pain so very much from the accumulated effects of the past week...I can be strong, and I will be strong.

To be alive is the greatest feeling ever.

2010-12-12T17:28:00.000+01:00

Usually, whenever you hear of terrorist attacks in the news, your attention is captured for all but a minute of your life. But as with everything else in life, when it hits so very close to home, it becomes the biggest deal ever.

In reaction to tragic events like terrorist attacks or tsunami disasters, I've always been a person who subscribed to the idea that it really is up to life to decide if you are the unfortunate one to be placed in that situation, and that there is nothing you can do...to change the fate of that. After all, as much as you may be involved in something like this, it is probably more likely to die in another more typical form (i.e. a car accident, a heart attack, cancer, etc)...

But after the events of yesterday evening, my entire life took the biggest wake up call ever. Surely there is no where in the world where you are a 100% safe...but when I came to Sweden, it never occurred to me that it would be particularly unsafe. What were the chances of it being under the threat of terrorism, what were the chances that...if anything unforetold occurred, I would be caught in the fray of it all?

These thoughts, thoughts that I once harboured...they were literally blown away from me yesterday. At about 5pm Stockholm time yesterday evening, my good friend Jenn and I were walking down the main shopping strip in downtown Stockholm. We were pondering what to have for dinner and saw a place by this side street to our left that we thought we might explore. Just as we considered that very thought and were about to make a left turn, a really loud bang, lots of smoke, debris, the smell of explosives, cinders...coming from that very street we were just about to make a turn into.

It all happened so quickly. All I remember was turning to my right and staring at my friend in complete shock, and having her do the same thing...before she grabbed my right arm and dragged me into the nearest store on our right. As we entered the store, smoke was creeping up behind us. The sales assistant of the store closed the door, and as the smoked cleared, Jenn and I stood in complete shock for 10 whole minutes, looking out the door to try and comprehend what we had just escaped from. And there he was, a man lying on the ground completely motionless, with wounds to his abdomen area, just a mere seven metres away from where we were standing at the moment of the explosion. Then the crowds started huddling around the scene outside, and my friend and I just squeezed past the crowd and headed towards the train station...not really knowing where we were heading but just wanting to get away from the chaos that our lives were just thrown into.

And now it's over 24 hours since we were right at the scene of what appears to have been a failed terrorist attack involving a suicide bomber...and we now know that he had six interconnected pipe bombs on him, of which only one blew up. I'm trying not to imagine what would have occurred if all six pipe bombs did blow up as he planned, because that would mean bad news for me - not that it'd have mattered for me anyway given that I'd be dead, but just being so far away from home and having something so tragic happen would be the biggest nightmare ever for my loved ones.

I've spent all day mulling, completely spacing out, talking to all my friends and family back home and around the world...multiple times. I feel so bad about not being productive, it's just been a very rude shock to my system and my entire life. And I can't help but be so thankful that I am alive, and that my friend is too...it's truly divine in more ways than one, how we are both physically fine.

All the prayers and support that I've been offered and continue to receive have been nothing short of amazing. At this time of complete distress, I truly appreciate all the love that has surfaced in my life. It's not everyday that you come so close to cheating death in ways completely unimaginable...

And although I will attempt to bring some normality back into my life as soon as possible, I can only imagine how comforting it would be if I could just go home right now to be with my family...where I feel secure and warm. Why does June feel so far away? But like my parents told me, I can be brave and I should not live in fear or guilt of anything. To even know that they have my back emotionally...even though they are on the other side of the world, it means everything to me.

Because when your life was almost snuffed out in a moment of frenzy, you really sit and re-evaluate your entire perspective to life. I suppose that is what I signed up for when I came to Sweden, although yesterday's experience was rather extreme. What matters most in life? Nothing but a faith and your family above all else. I cannot be more thankful for just being...alive. It's the most surreal thing ever.

Life.

Random thoughts on my schooling experience in Singapore

2010-11-28T12:03:00.001+01:00

Was just thinking about how my neighbours in Singapore were doing. People often find it funny how I talk about my neighbours so much, but they are really more like an extended branch of my family. Before my immediate family moved to Melbourne mid-way through my teenage years, we had lived in the same apartment unit since the day I was born...and we have had the same neighbours through out.

For those of you who know me well enough, I have a sister who's a year older than me. We went to the same schools virtually throughout our academic career (safe for our undergraduate degrees, but we met once again in our first postgraduate qualification). Well my neighbours, they have two grandchildren. Two granddaughters who are a year and a bit apart in age gap. And when my sister and I were in primary school, we cooed and cuddled these two girls everyday - watched them learn to crawl, walk, talk, write...

And they eventually went to the same primary school as we did when we were little girls (albeit a decade after my sister and I did). So upon hearing that the youngest granddaughter graduated from primary school just a few days ago really brings back lots of memories for me. 10 years ago, I was doing the very same thing, wearing the same uniform - sad, anxious and excited about the transition to secondary school.

In Singapore, your grades are essential for you to have a fighting chance in the world. If you are not the top 1% your class, you are left with next to no standing - you could get straight A's throughout your school life, and still end up having to fight for a job up against the masses of straight A students in the country. At the end of primary school, you sit your Primary School Leaving Examinations (PSLE) in English, Mathematics, Science and your Mother Tongue (dependent on your race - so say, for me, I'd be obliged to do Chinese). The score that you receive on these exams determines which secondary school you end up in - and the school you end up in determines your social status and general worth as a person in this dog-eat-dog society...it even reflects on your family to some extent (parents often compare their children's progress at work, amongst friends, even within extended families).

So anyway, to get to the point, I was never the smartest student in terms of academics. I was horrible at mathematics (which is a complete disgrace because Singapore is amazing at mathematics education on all fronts - look to me for the outlier case if you need to do a study), couldn't stand life sciences (which was a focus in compulsory schooling), failed terribly at my mother tongue (Chinese, because they force-fed us countless idioms to learn every week, things that I never used in my everyday speech...for goodness sake, my parents didn't even speak Chinese at home, and my grandparents spoke in their own dialect anyway, so Chinese was pretty much obsolete for me apart from having to order food in some situations). But by some sheer miracle, I got straight A's (no A*'s though - which is like an A plus) for my PSLE. Not that I ended up with an awesome grade though...229 out of 300, people averaged 240/250 plus, and if you were real smart you'd hit the 260-270's. Managed to pull through to a decent secondary school back in the day, but goodness knows how I'd have done in my GCSE 'O' Levels if I stayed on in Singapore (given that in my second year of secondary school, I basically failed/or borderline failed mathematics, science and Chinese all the time and that English, English literature, History and Geography were the subjects that basically saved me from getting kicked out of school for flunking everything).

I suppose I never thought I had a promising future. Especially since I was told by the Singaporean school system that I was basically lousy at school (and life). 10 years later, I still don't ace everything. But I do well enough to keep my dreams alive, which ironically, is completely academic in nature. I've been failed at university once, in my final semester of my previous degree in Melbourne...but I say, don't let anyone fail you. You fail only when you give up. I'm going to go home in 2013 to finish that subject to take out my other Masters. And I want to provide all my friends with hope, to know...that even if you think you can't make it because you didn't make "the cut", there is never an end to learning. It exists beyond formal schooling - in fact, a lot of what you learn, you probably learn in everyday life experiences. Believe in yourself, if you dream hard enough and work hard enough to realize your aspirations...you will break through.

Life is waiting for you. You can be upset today with how you fared over some exams, but it's bigger than that. I've met lots of people who are complete geniuses at school, but they have zero inter-personal skills, or no other life out of their textbooks...it's all about having a balance in life. Your life is yours to work, don't let society determine how you really want to live it - be passionate about what you do, wake up every morning to your wildest dreams realized...and know to be thankful to God, your loved ones, and remember that you are empowered to empower others :)

Life goes on in Sthlm

2010-11-21T02:59:00.001+01:00

I've been here in Stockholm for almost 4 months now, and no matter how much it isn't like "home", it is "home". I used the inverted commas because I've reached this stage in life where the term can be used interchangeably - even just today, I had a friend ask me what I meant when I said "home" (Singapore or Australia?)

The snow, the cold, the darkness...I'm getting used to it (and bracing myself for even lousier weather to come)! I go about everyday life as I would in my previous homes, and I've even starting working on the side. I can finally say that I feel that my life is rather put together now. And for that reason, I can also now come to terms with the fact that I am going to be here till Spring term is out next year (thus, I changed my flight dates to Singapore from December 18th this year to June next year).

Unlike my time in Seoul, I feel like I have a purpose here. I am not going through the immense dread that comes from feeling like you have to uproot yourself from your temporary home (and go back to the reality that awaits in your home country) just when your new location started to become a way of life for yourself. Another interesting experience that has amplified itself over the past weeks, has also been that of my becoming a lot more open to other people's way of life. I had met a lot of people from all over the world before coming to Stockholm, but I think that my experiences in ultra liberal Sweden have been a stark contrast to anything that I have ever immersed myself into. In particular, I feel as if I'm becoming a lot less judgmental about people and things. If I don't like what I see, it's just another way of doing things. It makes me more attuned to the world that exists beyond my four walls, it helps me to further define my very own way of life - who am I, what is it that I want...and why?

It's been a very sobering experience on the whole, I've had a lot of down and out days just trying to adapt to a completely foreign culture (nothing close to Australia, or Singapore, or Seoul in terms of people, language, food, weather, the physical environment, etc)...but life is picking up pace. And I appreciate the journey that I have embarked upon, it's only going to get even bigger and better (I am adamant that it will be so)! This is another reason I'm here: to continue challenging myself.

And although I will be celebrating Christmas and New Years alone in Stockholm while all my good friends are home/away in another destination in Europe, I will take heart in the fact that I am not actually missing out on anything very much - my dad will be in Singapore, my mum in Melbourne, my sister in Tokyo, and I, right where I am...trying to earn extra $ and concentrate on my coursework without any distractions! Continue to keep posted on the plans that are in the works for 2011...which promises to be the most exciting year for my studies and for play ;)

It's the little things in life...

2010-11-05T01:04:00.000+01:00

In the past two odd weeks, I've come to realize and treasure the relationships I share with a slew of people in my life - my cousin whom I barely used to see whenever I was home in Singapore, my sister, my Swedish family and my very good girlfriends in Stockholm.

My cousin is more than a decade older than me, and he's always very missing in action because of his business travels. He's the kind of guy who doesn't have two minutes to spare with you. But in between his business trips to Copenhagen and London (which was a week's gap), he made up his mind to come to Sweden to visit me. He even reunited my sister and I by giving her a trip down here. It warms my heart to know that people still really really care about me even though I'm in some God-forsaken part of the world (well, to them anyway, it's the most random thing anyone could ever do - move so faraway from home where it's ultra cold and dark most of the year).

And my sister, her life is so hectic - she's about to relocate to Japan from Australia in December, but because of my really bad bout of homesickness about a month ago, she decided to cram in a trip down to Sweden to visit me. She flew all the way from Melbourne to Singapore to Bangkok to Stockholm, on a very tight schedule, to come and make my life a bit more sane and comfortable here in Sweden.

We had the most amazing time travelling all over. My Swedish family welcomed my sister to their home with their best hospitality. And they even make it a point to comfort me when my sister is gone. When my sister left today, I was a total wreck. I was crying (and am still crying at this stage) on the train back from the airport. I called up one of my closest girlfriends in Stockholm, and even though I had been missing in action for the whole time my sister was here in Europe, she invited me out immediately. My "Swedish sisters" made me smile and laugh when otherwise I'd have just gone home to complete emptiness in my heart. It made me realize how wonderful everyone has been to me. The people who came to visit, and the people who continue to nurture me in Stockholm.

You have no idea how appreciative I am of everything that I have been blessed with. And as I just get a text message from my sister that she is now with one of our very best friends in Bangkok, I can't help but feel a bit upset because she is now back in another part of the world.

The memories that we have shared as a family in the past two weeks, I will hold very dear to my heart. I will be fine in Sweden, but I will continue to miss you guys like crazy. To think we used to live right next door to each other in Melbourne in our family home just a few months back, and that you're now transitting in Bangkok (for a few days) and Singapore till your move to Tokyo in December...while I am based in Stockholm now. And our folks, they are back in Melbourne, in what I hope remains a bustling home for them...and the rest of the extended family, still eagerly awaiting our next trips home in Singapore.

We asked for this, to be people of the world, to live in Stockholm and Tokyo respectively. Our family may have frowned upon us and thought that we were crazy. Our parents encouraged us to explore the world as our oyster. Let us not forget our purpose in life, and know that the world is indeed a very small place. Till we need reunite in Japan next summer, my dearest sister. Although we can't share clothes anymore, we will one day find ourselves at home together again. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I'm glad I discovered the true essence of sisterhood in 2010.

And to my Swedish family and "Swedish sisters", you guys make my life in Stockholm so much more normal. Thank you for seeing me through my tears, my stress and all my other nonsense. I treasure you guys an awful lot and am forever indebted.

I will now attempt to stop crying and go get some sleep.

Right now

2010-10-18T21:19:00.000+02:00

While having a chat with a good international student friend over fika (or the Swedish equivalent to a coffee break) today, we discussed our reasons for coming to Sweden, and our previous experiences with living abroad (this was, for both of us, our fourth city we'd be calling "home" for a while).

As much as it was a severe case of wanderlust and a desire to expand our horizons in all fronts of our life (mostly a mix of a career boost and wanting to gain new perspectives to our lives), I believe that we both rose to the challenge of moving abroad yet again...so that we could continue to define our selves.

And as I start wondering why all of us international student folk are here in this foreign place we are calling home for a while, it never fails to amaze me how everyone out there is looking for something in their lives and how we can relate so much to each other as strangers despite our personality and cultural differences, as well as our struggles in coming to terms with a third culture...

It's a bit like Spring 2008 in Seoul revisited...except instead of me getting into all sorts of trouble, I'm playing a more inactive role by watching others get into all kinds of drama (although I have to say that it can be bad enough that I want to break free from my life now - speaking of which, my sister is coming to visit, which helps me to compose myself again).

But for now, let me get back to my work...before it's time to go shopping/travelling with my sister and share a lovely reunion with my Finnish son in a couple of days time (first time since summer 2008, OMG)! Exciting times ahead :)

Plans go out of hand when you entrust them to me...

2010-10-09T02:34:00.000+02:00

So if you don't already know, I'm a huge planning/over-thinking type person. And I was just trying to figure out my travel plans for the next few months before 2010 came to an end, and I came up with the likely places I would visit before Christmas:
- Norway
- London
- Poland
- Kiruna
- Uppsala
- Copenhagen

And after Christmas I'm thinking of going somewhere fun for New Year's - and maybe have a reunion with some of my dearest exchange friends from my KU days. Well, since I'm not going home and I don't have any family here...why not travel a bit instead of sitting at home in Sweden feeling depressed about life?

For summer next year I kind of have a plan in my mind...I probably won't be in Europe for most of summer because I have lots to do back home in Asia, and it's going to look something like this:
- Singapore
- Tokyo to visit my sister (and possibly other parts of Japan...and I was thinking of re-visiting Seoul but I think my time constraints may forbid that so I'm not promising anything yet)
- Malacca (I've been wanting to do it for AGES AND AGES AND AGES so yeah)
- Ho Chi Minh city (if any of my friends back home are game, please, let's go...I've also been wanting to do this destination for ages)
- Bali (haha maybe? I mean, I've always wanted to go...but I think this will be a unlikely at this stage because...see next point...)
- Thailand (I hope I can find a decent return airfare on Thai Airways from Singapore > Bangkok > Stockholm, then I can have a layover in Bangkok on the way back to Europe...visit my good friend there...have a nice massage, go shopping, eat good food and maybe hit up a beach resort!)

And hopefully my internship plans work out and I'll fly back to Stockholm towards the end of summer, pack all my crap, and relocate to Paris for maybe 2 months or so for my self-study subject. Then it's back to Scandinavia for the rest of 2011...and in 2012 for final semester I may not be spending my entire time in Stockholm - dependent on my research topic, and I am keen to be doing my very own ground work for my thesis so I may travel for it even though it means money and effort.

Then sometime between the start of 2011 to 2012, I will find the time to conquer the rest of Europe (and I seriously mean the rest of Europe)...and hopefully I'll be able to do some part-time work (I think I may have to thank my Early Childhood degree in advance, unless I get a damn good reference and do a part-time research job somewhere in Europe) to fund myself a 6 month sojourn around the continent following the completion of my studies in Sweden. By February 2013 I'll be back in Melbourne ready to kick Melbourne University's butt for the last subject I have to complete to take out my other Master's. So 5 months at home with the folks and then it is my hope that the UNESCO headquarters employ me so I can move back to Europe for a bit (note, I would prefer to be in western Europe this time).

Then after maybe 2-3 years of working in UNESCO, I will move back to Singapore to work for the government on ECEC policy and I will somehow be brilliant enough that they will give me a scholarship to do a PhD in something like Public Administration (and they will send me to the other continent I've never been to before - the US).

So this is my ridiculous plan for my life. I know they say you can't really plan life but it'd be good to have a sketch if you could...and you know, my Sweden dream was always a bit of sketch...so I can definitely say that if you dream hard enough it will probably happen. Just got to remember the purpose of my being here then...and work to ensure the dream becomes a reality. Most of all, I have to acknowledge my God for having a hand in ALL of this. I've been blessed in more ways than one. I really have, and I want to give back what I've got to everyone that I meet as best as I can :)

The rollercoaster of homesickness

2010-10-05T02:27:00.000+02:00

All these varying degrees of homesickness that come at me week-after-week, they start to make me question my sanity. Sweden was my dream, a dream that I never thought I could realize. And then things happened the way they did in the blink of an eye, I applied for graduate school here in January and now I'm calling this place my base (and temporary home).

When I first got here, I went from pinching myself silly at almost every waking moment because it was all so surreal and exciting to be HERE. But it slowly evolved to become something altogether. My parents left, and for the first few days it was fine...it was filled with lots of social activities, and I felt like I could start finding my own life. But that initial excitement faded out very quickly, and I soon found myself exceptionally lonely and alienated from this place - I knew some good people, I had lots of things to do...but I was just really miserable. I missed the simplest of things - from the most horrid home-cooked stuff that my mother would make, to just being bored in Australia, where things were perfectly normal for me. I felt like an absolute alien to this place called Stockholm, and I was frustrated, very frustrated with how I didn't understand so many things. It was a major culture shock.

Then my moods were lifted up a little following the news that my sister was visiting me, and my best friend's reassurance and kindness in wanting to send me a care package from my Singapore. So I tried to get back into the swing of things...but I caught wind of the fact that my grandparents back home weren't doing too well, and the entire business of how I had issue with moving so faraway (because I would miss out on so much with the family, and it wasn't like my elders were getting any younger) cropped up again. I felt totally upset that I couldn't be home with the family, and was contemplating taking the next plane home. But thankfully the situation took a turn for the better, and I was allowed to go back to my attempts at creating some normality for myself in Sweden.

I'm sort of good now, but as I sit here and reflect upon the friendships I have forged since my arrival in Stockholm...while also continuing to keep in close touch with my family and friends back home...I can't help but question my purpose of being here. I know it's only been a bit over a month since I got here and I can't say that much yet...but I do feel like I function best where I came from, and since I'm not concentrating very well on my studies right now...I find my life in Sweden to be rather pointless. I could be at home working, or with my family...but I'm here doing this, sacrificing all the things and people I love. My family too, is sacrificing so much just to have me be here too. Then I try to revisit my dream of wanting to pursue a bigger goal by coming to Sweden to expand my professional horizons, and to challenge myself as a person...

And I wonder what happened to that dream. I wish I could be a lot more positive about my being here, because it's been a blessing (and continues to be so). Also, I would love to make the most of my experience here. Most days, I may find that my purpose in Sweden is very unclear...but I trust that God has opened these doors for me to be right here, right now...for a reason - something that I cannot comprehend at present (just like how I hated being in Australia when I first moved over as a teenager).

So I just want to say the biggest THANK YOU to everyone back home who've kept in touch with me - all your messages, conversations and kind offers to send me a piece of home through snail mail...and your plans to visit me in person, to keep me updated with how the family is going back home...

YOU GUYS KEEP ME SANE in what I find to be an absolutely crazy life situation in Sweden. I will have to wait another 8 months before I can come home to be with you all again (I have decided against going home at Christmas because I only have 2 odd weeks of "break" and I'm so likely to suffer from severe depression if I fly all the way back home to hot Singapore for such a short period of time and then back again in time to Sweden where it will be amazingly cold...what are the chances that I would even want to return to Stockholm then anyway?)

I will miss:
- Two weddings
- Christmas
- New Year's
- Chinese New Year
- My birthday
- My best friend's birthday
- Lots of other special birthdays

With all my family and closest friends at home...but I will be back next summer - all of summer if I can. I shall try to arrange my internship in Paris and get some dates worked out for next year so I can book my flight date home already - then plan a trip to Japan for summer too!

I love you all so very much. You guys at home in Melbourne and Singapore are always on my mind even though it may seem like I'm a very distant family member who is rather self-absorbed given that I am always out/travelling somewhere in the world/etc. I always used to think that it was most important never to let yourself down above all else. But moving so faraway from home and having been showered with so much love from family and friends at home has helped me to realize that what I do and what I will achieve in time to come is really not my own...and that this time, I have the responsibility of not letting everyone down. For you have pinned so much hope on me, and you guys really believe in me more than I do believe in myself sometimes.

I trust that I will do my best, and remember those words that were said to me many a time before I left home: "Achieve your dreams".

Nerd post

2010-10-04T02:29:00.000+02:00

So I came to Sweden for a few good reasons, but the key reason was to take myself a step closer to where I wanted to be in the future - and by that I meant to upgrade my skill set from that of a mere classroom teacher (no, I am not implying that the job of classroom teaching is easy, because it is far from that. I just wanted to go beyond the classroom teaching level and challenge myself to pursue research that may possibly influence policy - or better still, get into educational policy/public administration some day).

I chose Sweden because I had heard amazing things about the early childhood education, and I wanted to gain new perspectives to the field - I've seen Australia's system first-hand, can associate with Singapore's system...and I wanted to expand my horizons in a place where research and development was a way of life, where their practices in education were interesting enough to be widely lauded and critiqued, and to help myself to grow as an individual and a professional by immersing myself in another culture. And here I am, at some crazy hour in Stockholm, thinking about how exciting this entire business is...because everywhere in the world, the early childhood field is starting to experience drastic change in policy and practice as governments place more emphasis on the importance of early childhood as the foundation for life.

Well I'm now here, and I've just started looking into how different systems are working in terms of teacher education and quality of classroom practices (and their subsequent outcomes)...and it's really interesting just seeing how every country has such a good impression of how other countries are doing at a particular variable that they are comparing. For example, I was speaking to a Singaporean lady who was the vice-principal of an international school here in Stockholm, she was trained in early childhood teaching in Singapore a while back and has been working on the Swedish international preschool circuit for 11 years. When she heard me explain why I was in Sweden, she mentioned that she was so bewildered with the fact that so many early childhood educators were coming to Sweden to find out more about this apparently magical early childhood education system of theirs. Upon understanding that I had my early childhood training and experiences in Melbourne, Australia, she was even more bewildered - from her perspective, the system was amazing where I came from...more so than where I am at now. And if I went back to Australia right now and told my lecturers what I had just heard that vice-principal say, my lecturers would probably put a buffer on that statement (not that Australia's ECEC system is not working well, it's quite adequate...and what it lacks, it understands that it must make up to it - and it is trying to amend itself gradually).

So yes, that was my nerd rant at some crazy hour here in Stockholm. I shall wake up later refreshed to begin nerding out on all the pdf files I just downloaded for my course paper research - they are quite exciting, actually. I just need to sit myself down and not get disturbed by people, or food, or shopping...haha.

Good night world. I will write back to kill your precious time again at some stage soon.

A Singaporean on Singapore..

2010-09-23T23:15:00.002+02:00

So I've been contemplating the entire cultural stereotypes business recently (very much due to the fact that I am very much a stranger to Sweden), and as I was doing some reading of the previous year's course papers (to analyze how my paper should be framed and have some clue as to how my topic may or may not be workable)...I strayed off course and ended up googling people's views of where I come from - Singapore.

It's always very fascinating to hear from others about what they think of Singapore - because it's such an odd little South East Asian nation. Some 5 odd million people crammed onto 64 square kilometers of land area, four main racial groups, even more religious groups than you can imagine (yes, churches next to mosques and temples are more than common), a national language that perhaps only a quarter of it's citizens speak, and an absolute melting pot of everyday speak, food and cultural events. Yet at the same time the country itself embraces anything Western - you can see it in the people's dress, their taste in music, the buildings and design. And we're also the country with the highest density of millionaire households (little wonder, because being able to own a car and a property alone in Singapore easily makes you a millionaire in terms of assets).

As I was browsing through some pages on the web, I read that Singaporeans are perceived as rude and racist. Isn't it funny, especially since Singaporeans travel out of the country so much and live in such a multi-racial society? In some ways, I can relate to Singaporeans being rude...and racist. There is a "soft" kind of racism that exists in Singaporean society - I have, as I am sure my Singaporean friends have, been involved in the slander of other races (okay, how many Malay/Indian jokes do we need to make)? I am quite adamant that Singaporean Chinese (who are the majority of the population by the way, for my foreign friends who have no clue) think extremely highly of themselves. I won't try to shoot myself in the foot, but I think it's a fair call. I don't know if it's the way that we were/and continue to be brought up - living in such a competitive environment where everyone has to feel better than the next person. It's a serious dog-eat-dog world in Singapore, you're either on top of the class or nowhere...and this rat race begins from the day you are born.

Oh, and the part about Singaporeans being rude...well I am Singaporean, and I can say that in general, we are a rather rude population as compared to other nations. Although this may be a subjective statement to make, I do find myself, as a Singaporean, getting annoyed at how rude Singaporeans can be (whenever I'm back home visiting, this is one thing that always irks me). I'm not attempting to justify this rudeness, but this again I believe to be related to the dog-eat-dog nature of Singaporean society...and the lousy weather (yes, it's great that it's consistent throughout the year, but the humidity is horrible) - I really believe that people's characteristics are affected by their climate (like how the very cool weather in Sweden may provide the answer as to why Swedes are rather frosty at the onset). Singaporeans never have time to spend on the apparently unnecessary things (read: things that don't earn you grades, money, status or something along those lines). This extreme pragmatism leads to the very snappy and abrupt behaviour so often displayed by Singaporeans.

But back to the thing about stereotypes. I think that in every country you go to, you'll find exceptions to the rule. It may depress the hell out of you because you absolutely cannot grasp the "psyche" of the country (like how Sweden recently turned me into a sad cookie), but if you persist and keep trying to find out...I think you'll get there. Like how I'm trying to toughen my skin and get involved with things I would never really bother with back home so that I can really gain a better understanding of the people and places around me, and to emerge with a bigger and better perspective of life and myself.

And really, I don't know what was my point in writing all this. Whenever my brain itches it just desires to be expressed in written form. If you have read this post to this stage, I would like to apologize for wasting the last couple of minutes of your life on something so absolutely random. I love Singapore even though the people are racist and rude. Why of course...I AM Singaporean (and it's up to you to figure if I fit the stereotype, I'm not quite bothered)!

Blah

2010-09-19T21:20:00.000+02:00

Today I'm feeling a bit off centre. I can't concentrate on anything much apart from the fact that I am not really making any progress in getting to know and understand Swedish culture. Technically speaking, everything is going quite well for me given I've only been here for a month...

I have found a place to live in. I started class. The professor appears to think favourably of me. He wants to discuss my UNESCO internship aspirations with me. I went for a job interview and got a job. I live with a really lovely family and have met really awesome classmates whom I share a real bond with. All I'm really waiting for now is my personnummer to arrive and for me to get back onto Blackberry when that Swedish ID decides to show up.

But something is still amiss. I don't know what to make of the people here. It's so hard to get to know them, and I don't understand their psyche. I suppose it takes time, but I do feel the need to get to know the locals a lot better, and to begin throwing myself into their perspective of things - which really isn't going anywhere for me right now. After all, I moved abroad again for the main purpose of getting to know a different way of life - which will undoubtedly broaden my world view.

It's little wonder that I can't help but feel rather frustrated with the fact that it's so hard to penetrate the Swedish psyche. It's almost as if it's a disadvantage for me to be who I am in this country - a very expressive, talkative person who is almost expected to "behave" by being sullen and lacking expression. It doesn't even help that I'm so far away from home, and that the population of Singaporeans is next to none. I've been mistaken for Chinese way too many times, and although I suppose that it is something that should be expected in Scandinavia...it breaks my heart every time I get stereotyped to fit a particular mould.

So here I am, with my small frame, black hair and rather standard English (with no trace of Singlish because the people in this part of the world would NOT get a single bit of it)...feeling like a total stranger in this country even after a month of being here. And I honestly do not know what to do in order to get to know the Swedish psyche more. I just feel rather depressed about how hopeless my situation appears to be, plus I miss having good food and I do feel very faraway from home. It doesn't help that I know how much my family and friends back home (in Singapore and Australia) continue to support me in more ways than one.

I can't even concentrate on anything else right now because I'm just stuck in this black hole of nothingness, wishing that normality could just come knocking on my door now. I know it sounds like I'm being a total whinger, and I know that it really takes time to get into the groove of things...but I can't help but feel a bit sad about it all, so please let me take a break today...have a bit of a cry to myself, and hope to wake up on the right side of bed tomorrow morning.

And you know something? After almost 7 odd years of living in Melbourne, 5 months in Seoul...and 1 month in Stockholm so far, I still have to say that Singapore is still where I belong. No matter how awfully stressful the lifestyle is and my 101 complaints about how rude people are, how they may lack so much personality, how I believe the government doesn't give two hoots about the citizens, the ridiculously humid weather...I am still a Singapore girl.

Alright, peace out. I'm going to have an early night. Miss you all at home lots (and eat more good food back in Singapore - and even Australia, I dare say)!

Here's to my MTeach crew

2010-09-15T23:27:00.001+02:00

Hello girls!! It's been a while since I last caught up with you guys proper...and I think it's due time for an update on my end of life. Hope everyone's doing well at Melbourne Uni/with working life somewhere/doing whatever it is you are doing now.

So I'm nearing my first month in Stockholm and...

The weather here is really rainy as of late
Classes have started...I have way too much reading to do (something along the lines of about a book a week, plus you have to start thinking of your own course paper topic and do your own research)
I am going to go to an interview for a part-time preschool job on Friday
I decided to get on board with university life and join the International Students Council and to volunteer to help out at my institute at Stockholm University (I don't really know what this entails but since the Professor can hook me up with an internship at UNESCO in Paris next year for my self-study subject, why not? Plus I don't know what the heck I am supposed to be doing for my course paper so this may help me with my work in some way...)
I'm trying to get a social life (unlike our MTeach days which was basically university seminars, placements, assignments and readings 24/7)
I can't even think of travelling anywhere beyond Stockholm at the moment, which is quite sad since I'm in this exciting new continent on the other end of the world and I am an absolute noob here...but SIGH, what are my priorities?!
I'm starting to learn Swedish VERY SLOWLY. My lectures are twice a week in a hall filled with 300 odd international students, so how effective is that for learning a new language? I have, thankfully, a very amazing Canadian friend (she's from Vancouver and when I met her I TOTALLY thought of how funny it was that I had another Canadian in my course just like when I had Brittany in MTeach - don't you feel honoured now, Brittany?) who knows some Swedish and offered to give me study sessions with her notes and textbooks...so here's crossing my fingers (or holding my thumb - that's what they do for good luck in Sweden, apparently)

So in short, my life is way too busy, but busy is good, I suppose. Plus I haven't even partied properly yet!!! What a geek I am. And you know something? I think I am the youngest person in my course (well I was almost the youngest in MTeach - Eva beat me to it by a mere month). And it's crazy 'cause there's ONLY TWO SWEDES in my entire course. And guess where half the course comes from? China. I have lots of Betty's in my class, for real!!

And for some weird reason some people I've met think that I'm 30. I think that having gone through MTeach must have really aged me or something man, because that's adding another eight whole years to my actual age. SIGH. I need to go revamp the image or something, or embrace the professional me or something. YAWN.

Anyhow, I MISS YOU ALL (and our meals at Ying Thai and Kenzan)! I will NEVER ever complain about food in Melbourne again (although Singapore is still the best for everything food related). Keep me updated when you got the time, pop me a message on facebook to let me know you're still alive! And if you do end up this far North in the world, CALL MEEE. I don't think I'll be back in Australia anytime soon, but maybe a reunion in Singapore (or Japan since Sarah is going to be based there soon) can happen?! Love you all heaps and take care :)

When I know I am so little

2010-09-11T21:45:00.000+02:00

It seems like forever since I was at the University of Melbourne, going through the most trying time of my academic career with all my placement dramas. But in reality, it wasn't too long ago when I was overworked, lacking sleep, lacking encouragement, lacking direction and an absolute mess in life. All this, while I was trying to look ahead to my future beyond the classroom.

I loved kids, and I still love kids. But it seemed like I had wasted the prime time of my life, at 21 going on 22, pursuing something that I felt I could not settle with in life. For every thing that went "well" in early childhood education, I saw a host of other things that were wrong with the ideals of the profession of teaching. I placed myself into a hypothetical situation where I was 30, married and with kids of my own. Could I still see myself being an early childhood educator? One who was truly passionate and dedicated to her work with children? A resounding "No" echoed in my head.

I needed to find a way to adapt my current interest into something else that would challenge me for the longer-term, something that would keep me enthralled for the longer-term. I revisited all my previous ambitions in life prior to embarking on my teaching journey - a journey that I decided to take for practical reasons at a point in my life where I was lacking direction. I thought about my undergraduate degree in International Studies, and my desire to have worked in the field. Back then, I was too young, too inexperienced...to land a job anywhere close to that field. It was a dream that was forced into retirement. I looked again at my current skill-set. I thought about my desire to move countries again, to gain new perspectives to things. I thought about where I'd like to go if I had a chance to choose my next destination.

I came up with Sweden. I looked up possible courses of study that could help me to revive my earlier aspirations of working in International Relations. And I found EXACTLY what I was looking for to take me to my next step in life. I applied, got accepted and am now living the dream, combining my undergraduate interests with my postgraduate qualifications in working towards the bigger picture of my life.

But I still cannot forget how much and how far I have come in order to be where I am right this moment. The sacrifices that my loved ones have made, the immense support I have received and the truly divine way in which I have managed to "settle in" into my new home so quickly. Yet as I begin to embark on my academic career here, I sit, lacking inspiration to SEE the light in my readings. I begin to see all the little niggles about living here in Sweden.

And then I try to remind myself of the barrage of stuff that I had to go through before I even got here. If you spoke to me two months ago, I'd have told you "I can't wait to just be there in Sweden already, settled in and at university doing my thing". And now I'm just lost in this ocean of international and comparative research - REALLY thrown into the deep end of things just like how I felt about teaching at the start of 2009 (I will always remember the lecturers at university telling us "You really hit the ground running"). It is frustrating. Absolutely agonising. But if I have survived moving to Australia, to Korea, back to Australia, the craziness that MTeach was, that nightmare placement from last semester...and emerged in one piece at the age of 22, I know that whatever comes my way, it is not impossible. Most importantly, even though I'm ages away from any trace of my family or familiarity, I have a faith that nothing and nobody can steal from me.

It's so difficult for me to see the point and the purpose in the pettiness of research that I am dealing with right now, but this is only the start. Learning never ends. I would like to remind myself of the fact that I cannot know everything, but I can only try, and trust. And I will get there. So I shall stop giving myself such a tough time right about now and go with renewed clarity.

There's something about moving countries...

2010-09-05T00:44:00.000+02:00

So in the past fortnight since I got to Stockholm, I've been running around doing all these administrative/logistical things to try get myself in order...but yet it feels like this place is so old to me already. Maybe it's because I've been on with the whole planning, gathering, packing, moving process for months now, so much so that I'm starting to feel a bit fatigued by it all.

But the good thing is, I'm only waiting on my Swedish ID to arrive now in order to be fully functional in this society...and oh, I have the chore of shopping for winter clothes because this weather is going to kill me in a month or two (well, the leaves on the trees have not even changed colour yet and it's like winter back home in Melbourne already, so...)

So I'm almost ready to start thinking about secondary things - e.g. my immediate travel plans, making attempts at having a social life in Sweden, etc. So pardon me if it seems like I'm on another cloud right now, because I feel like I haven't had myself together in one coherent piece for a while now.

And as I try to get back in touch with myself again in this brand new land, I will have to prioritise things...and make a conscious effort not to fall into the typical "loathing" stage that comes after a high attributed to the immediate moments following a person's move to a new country.

What do I mean by this stage? I don't know if you realise, but there is a pattern to these things (because human beings can be so stupidly predictable)...and whenever you move to a new place, you first have the pre-move apprehension and stress, mixed with anticipation and excitement. Then when you've settled in a bit, your apprehension and stress disappears and becomes unbridled zest for everything and anything in that new place you now call home...and after a bit more, you really get used to the place and start having the "it feels like I've been here forever" impression. And almost right after you have that impression, you start picking out faults with the new place you're based in and comparing between what you used to have...and THIS is the loathing/homesickness stage.

And this idea goes on and it shuffles between loathing and loving the place you're now at home in, but yeah...you get the drift.

So, maybe I should stop having the "I can't be bothered" attitude to having some form of a social life (well, given that I am basically expected to drown in readings really does wonders to my situation right here, haha) and erm...mingle with the hard-to-get-to-know Swedes somehow, at some point in time.
Please, stay tuned to this channel as I continue making my little inquiries into moving abroad to Sweden.

Reporting from the new place in the 'burbs of Stockholm

2010-08-30T22:01:00.000+02:00

Tonight (or this morning in Asian/Oceania time) it is with great pleasure that I write to the world from my (very cosy) room in a (very cosy) house belonging to a (very nice) Swedish family, in suburban Stockholm, Sweden. It is my first night in my new home and it is just an amazing feeling - to have come so far, through so many days and nights of complete insecurity...to now having a very nice roof over my head for an indefinite period of time. I am really extremely fortunate to have landed myself in my current situation.

Tomorrow, class begins. I need to get my studying hat on again, and trudge on towards my end goal. It will be nice to meet my colleagues tomorrow, and to hopefully get my student account and other administrative matters dealt with as best as possible.

But that is not exactly why I write today. Remember how I was keeping tabs on the little things about Sweden that are really foreign to me? Well, over the last few days I've noticed a couple more interesting things that I haven't come across in Singapore, Seoul or Melbourne (or any other country I've travelled to so far)...

- You generally have to pay to use toilets in public places (no, it's not like the 10 cents you pay at hawker centres in Singapore, which I usually avoid anyway because they don't seem very sanitary...it's more like 5-10 SEK (or 2-4 SGD/1.80-3.60 AUD). So you may want to buy yourself a drink AND use the toilet at the cafe or something.

- I tried to open a bank account today. One bank didn't allow me to open an account at all because I didn't have a Swedish ID yet, another allowed me to but denied my bank draft from Citibank Singapore. Apparently they don't trust the bank drafts of new customers, and need to send it off to another office to get it verified for about 3 weeks at a cost of 500 SEK (that's 100 SGD or 80 AUD for you). Another bank also said the same thing to me, but their cost for clearing my bank draft was 1000SEK (200 SGD or 160 AUD). I have never ever come across a bank making so much fuss over a bank draft before. It is such a curious case, and it was not from an unknown bank...it was Citibank. So I have to cancel my bank draft and get a telegraphic transfer - hassling I know, but for all the people who intend to relocate here and open a bank account locally, TAKE HEED: DO NOT BOTHER BRINGING BANK DRAFTS EVEN IF THEY SEEM LIKE THE BEST WAY TO BRING MONEY OVER INTO YOUR NEW LOCAL ACCOUNT.

- It is definitely, for sure, the most expensive place I've ever been to. A meal at McDonald's costs a cool 65 SEK (so about 13 SGD or 10.50 AUD), and 3 tiny eyeshadow brushes from Muji cost about 50 SEK (that's 10 SGD, or 8.50 AUD). And mind you, their the cheap foam type.

Bureaucracy and high expenses that drive me crazy aside, it still is a very beautiful country. Now if only I'd gain Swedish speaking skills overnight and find myself a job soon so that I can make my stay here a bit nicer with a bit more money in my pocket...

A week shy into my crazy new life

2010-08-26T22:49:00.003+02:00

Here I am, almost one week shy of being in Stockholm...writing from what must be the unfriendliest backpacker's hostel in the universe. Things appear to be looking up for my situation though. I've finally found a room to call my own, I've started to tick off the list of things I need to do in order to be up and running in this place. But most of all, I've come to notice a lot more quirks about this city and it's people - which is why I write today.

Firstly, queues.

Everything requires you having to join a queue in this country.
- I went to the tax office this morning to file my personnumer (Swedish identity number), got there an hour before opening...and there was a queue snaking behind me (and the guy in front of me) by the time doors opened for clients that day.
- We had to take a queue number for our Campuskort (Student Union card) at university. When I got my number at 2-ishpm, I was number 651 and they were serving the early 400s. By the time the office was almost closing at 4pm, they had only reached 450 odd. And there were about 60 to 80 people still waiting for their numbers to be called, too bad the office closed shortly after and everyone had to return to re-queue the next day. Thank goodness a new found friend gave me a 400 odd ticket he found - so I got my Campuskort.

Secondly, car horns.

They barely ever sound their car horns in this city. I've only heard it twice so far. Which brings me to my next point...

Third, the people here are really quiet.

I suppose it's to do with their calm nature, but Stockholmers appear to me to be really stealth...I don't even know when their walking right behind me. When I eventually turn my head to look behind, I often realise that someone is wanting to overtake me on their bike or something along those lines (no I don't really walk slowly, so it's peculiar)...then I start to feel really bad that I didn't realise someone wanted to overtake me. This silence cannot be comprehended (as of yet anyway).

Fourth, the people are really nice in general (so you think it's subjective, but come to Singapore and you will know what I mean)

Ask anything and you'll get a rather succinct answer - if they can't help you they don't bring you around the bush. Then again, every city has it's asswipes and we met our first Swedish asswipe today - yes you who shoved in ahead of my family in the line for the bus today, then went on to "reserve" seats on the crowded bus for your female companion without saying any sense of shame.

Fifth, there is so much "red tape" surrounding the application of virtually anything. Let me give you a classic example:

To get my student account running at university, I need my Temporary-number (which I only get when I have registered for my course: this only happens on day 1 of class). Only after I get my student account running, then can apply for a student identity card at university. After I get this card, then can I apply for Swedish classes, use the library and computers at university, etc.

Observations aside, I will be moving to another place tomorrow before moving into my new long-term address this weekend. So I may/may not have internet access in the next 24 hours (possibly more). I will continue to keep updated on my experience as a new international student in Stockholm. Till next time then!

Day 3 in Stockholm

2010-08-23T19:42:00.005+02:00

Like I've said, I'd update on my little thoughts of the city. I've gotten over any inkling of jet lag. The city is really quite beautiful, and the summer weather is fantastic. It's really easy to get around the city - which is quite small (although Melbourne city, in comparison, is A LOT smaller and uglier). However, like I've said in my previous post, this place is pricey...and I am starting to miss having an abundance of Asian food (okay, laugh at me all you want but when you've been brought up with a wide spread of cheap and delicious hawker fare left, right and centre - and in a nation which is purely obsessed with food - life is hard for your palate)!

Just a little quip that came to me in my time here so far: there are lots of dads pushing prams in this country. LOTS. It's so refreshing to see this common occurrence, really. Very heartwarming.

Okay, I'm tired. Tired of stressing out over my homelessness and not really being able to do much about it. I hope things look up soon. Here's taking one day at a time...one day at a time :)

I am alive

2010-08-21T16:31:00.003+02:00

After goodness knows how many hours on the plane from Singapore to London to Stockholm, I discovered a few things about flying:
1) I can actually SLEEP on flights
2) After a whole lot of flying through a couple of different time zones, you realise that you are actually immune to the claustrophobia that is tagged to flying, and that...you could actually live on a plane now.

But anyway, after being spoilt by my constant patronage of Asian and Middle Eastern airlines (namely, Singapore Airlines and Emirates), my experience with British Airways was rather tacky - the in-flight entertainment was rather lacklustre, as were the interiors of the plane. It was like visiting the exact same plane I flew to Paris as a 10 year old child.

Airline rantings aside, I FINALLY arrived at my final destination today. The much talked about city I will be calling home for the next 2 years. The experience was all rather sobering, I must say. Stepping off the plane at Arlanda, this sense of absolute calm enveloped me. Everything was zero fuss (so unlike the Australian customs experience), it was almost zen. A very weird but nice feeling. And the people that we have come across have been extremely nice so far. Things are really pricey though.

Anyway I'm still getting used to the whole deal. Will probably keep penning my little thoughts about Stockholm here and there. Till next time!

Meaning

2010-07-26T14:15:00.002+02:00

It's only been about a week, but it feels more like a month since I got lost in this vindication. The moment of closure I have been waiting for after going through so much trauma these past months, I will never forget...and I never want to forget.

I want to cherish all the emotions attached to the storm which has just passed me by, because there are so many people and things to acknowledge. It was only in my complete weakness and helplessness that I came to realize and grow in leaps and bounds. In fact, I must say that I fear the relatively comfortable times that lie ahead of me...because I know that when everything is going smoothly, I tend to forget that I am not my own. I am who I am because I have a God, an extremely supportive family, too-kind friends, and a handful of amazing colleagues.

Speaking of which, as I spend my last few days in the family home in Melbourne...I am coming to appreciate so much the meaning of family. It's really strange having to re-visit the notion of "uprooting" myself, moving to a brand new country, settling into another culture...all over again. However, as much as I am going through the whole range of emotions associated with leaving home, I recognize my dreams and my purpose.

For all the dreams that I harbour, for my purpose on the face of this earth, this move is only the start of having them fulfilled. Like a friend told me, I have to grow up with life. And this is my life. I won't (and I don't want to) forget everything which and everyone who has brought me this far in my journey. I want to forever remember this past week and the next few days I have left in Melbourne - the reprieve that I gained after a long-drawn affair, the moments where I enjoy the company of my nearest and dearest in Melbourne and the comforts of my family home, the priorities that are now well-etched into my mind...ones that continue to be set in place as I sift through the physical and emotional things that I have stored in my life up till now.

And that is why I write today. I write to remember. I write to have something that will always remind me of this pivotal moment in my life. I write to have people read this and help me to account for the fact that I commit this to my meaning. So long.

Coming full circle

2010-07-16T07:28:00.002+02:00

The end of my truly unfortunate semester is nearing. Yes, technically, I have completed all my coursework...successfully in the eyes of the university though, I have not.

I'm not going to do a re-run of my sob stories of an absolutely disastrous block placement experience this semester, but I'm writing today to bring myself nearer to some emotional and psychological closure. You really don't appreciate what you have got until you run into a brick wall. And I live to tell that tale.

As I sit here, eyes puffy from way too much crying today, my head throbbing from the prospect of kissing my Masters of Teaching title goodbye (and the option of primary school teaching as a career robbed)...I recall. I recall the last weeks of roller coaster emotions as I went through what appeared to be my pretty much bleak destiny. The big lessons in faith, in virtues, and all the people who've thrown their support my way, I cannot thank enough.

I came into Melbourne University last year a bright-eyed girl who only had one reason for teaching - a love for children. Never did I consider immense amount of stresses I would be subject to as a result - long hours, endless assignments - or the ways in which my life perspectives would be shaped and re-shaped over time. I weathered the things that were thrown my way, became better at life, honed my passion for teaching...and at the end of last year, acquired my Postgraduate Diploma in Teaching (Early Childhood). A plus of my course of study was that I could choose to take out my Masters qualification by doing an extra semester of coursework.

With next to no hesitation, I chose to undertake primary teaching - sure, I preferred the younger kids, but why not try my hand out at primary school and open another door for myself by going on to primary teaching? Back then, I had the perception that things would run a lot smoother in primary teaching given that the schooling was a lot more formal than in preschool. I now look back with a tinge of regret for choosing to do primary teaching - I was wrong (and wronged) on so many accounts this semester.

Why I feel so aggrieved, I won't necessarily elaborate upon here. But this semester to take out my Masters has been nothing but UNFORTUNATE (yes, I did have a need to type that in capital letters). I've failed my block placement this semester because of a series of factors, factors that slip through the cracks of social justice - no matter who I run to for help - the counsellor, the student advocate, the Unsatisfactory Progress Council - I will never ever be formally acquitted. And given my special situation where I have already committed to pursuing my genuine interests and further studies at Stockholm University come August this year, I may not have the chance to complete a supplementary block placement - if that chance is even awarded to me next week.

From having complete optimism for teaching at the start of last year, to feeling worn down countless times over throughout 2009...to a sense of real achievement for taking out my postgraduate diploma in Early Childhood Teaching. From starting out 2010 with an unabated enthusiasm for primary school teaching and a confidence that my Masters of Teaching title was near...to being left absolutely shell-shocked that I was likely to face failure just days before finishing off block placement. Then having to face being failed at university for the first time in my life, to a complete sense of remorse for choosing to do primary teaching this year, to realizing that I had actually gathered lessons in life and education that would serve me so very well in my future as a researcher and feeling rather brave in the face of adversity. Subsequently feeling extremely worn down by the long-drawn process of figuring out what the heck was going on with my perceived failure by the university (and what was going to happen next), and re-visiting my resilience in the face of the uncertain time and again...

And now, after visiting a counsellor (for the first time in my life ever) and the student advocate, realizing that my case was pretty much likely to fall through the cracks since I am not going to retract my commitment to Stockholm University...

Then I sit here having to draft my submission to the Unsatisfactory Progress Council, and I'm at a loss. I think maybe I need to go on a long walk, or do something which can help me take my mind off this entire saga for a while...because all I feel now is just numb.

WHY did I do teaching? I love children.

WHY did I choose to do primary teaching? To open another door of opportunity to myself should I want to progress beyond early childhood teaching.

DID I put in my best effort? YES. Did I manage to take out my Masters of Teaching title? NO.

WHY? A whole host of extra complex, unfortunate events that are relatively intangible...which really does not help my case when going up against the Unsatisfactory Progress Council at all.

HOW? Apparently, I am likely to have to repeat all 35 days of block placement again.

WILL I DO IT? Yes, but I am not going to put aside my commitment to Stockholm University (and my lifelong dream of working towards research and the bigger picture of things) just to re-do all 35 days immediately.

SO WHAT HAPPENS? Melbourne University is unlikely to give me a chance to repeat a block placement 2 years later. If that's the case, I am forced to discontinue my course (all because I failed a block placement where I was subject to a supervisor who really wanted to fail me right from the start). In other words, I won't get my Masters in Teaching and will have this stupid fail grade on my academic transcript forever.

WHAT DO I FEEL? Numb, absolutely numb. I didn't do everything to give it up in the end. I don't want to let one person determine that I cannot teach. Because I know that I am capable. Yet, I'm not going to hold back from my progression into educational research. I AM NOT. And I am left thinking...about life. And how I want so badly to change things about the system that leaves people like me in a lurch. Going through everything that I just mentioned has left me so motivated to work even harder to expose the true virtues of education - which is another post in itself.

As my head continues to throb, as my eyes start to pop out of their sockets, I sit here...completely shattered. But I know that this will not be for long, and that soon, I'll be up and running again...for a bigger and better cause. I am now clear that I will be going beyond classroom politics, and I will make sure that I will manage educational research with sound virtues intact.

As I embrace the impending closure that awaits me in a matter of days time...this will be the last I speak of Melbourne University on this blog.

I am Chinese, but I am not from China. WHAT?!

2010-07-02T09:19:00.006+02:00

Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking and vague reading into the place that I am going to be calling home for the next chapter of my life. I've never been to Sweden. I have heard bits and pieces about it, I have some vague understandings of that place and the people, but really...an impression is just a shell - I of all people should know just that.

Putting it into perspective, it really is about tackling the issue of cultural stereotypes. It's like how Caucasians view anyone Asian to be from China or something, or how Asians see someone with brown/blonde/red hair and exotic eye colours and think that they must embody what it means to be "Western" (read: American).

You'd be surprised (or lack thereof) to know that I, complete with jet-black hair, brown eyes and a small frame that generally allows me to get away with my actual age...holding a Singaporean passport...have been subject to so many confusions regarding my ethnicity.

According to a whole host of people, I range from looking very Singaporean (?!), to Malaysian (?!), to Korean, to Chinese, to Japanese, and even more ridiculous...pan-Asian.

(I typed '?!' because most of my fellow South East Asians/Asians will know that Singaporeans and Malaysians are not particularly distinguishable by appearance - by our creole accents, we're probably easier to weed out - "Lah, leh, lor", anyone?! We are a multi-racial society, and I suppose that's why our labels of 'Chinese', 'Malay', 'Indian', and 'Eurasian' are really quite iffy in that a lot of us don't know what to say when people ask questions like "So are you Chinese?" - to which you will get a reply along the lines of "Well, I AM Chinese...but I am Singaporean"...which really just confuses everyone in the end)

Even funnier is the fact that I have met many foreigners who were completely astounded by my English-speaking skills - "But you're Asian, why is your English so fluent?"

This entire business just brings me back to the notion of what it means to have a cultural identity (could go on for days on end here about nations, nationalisms, culture, globalisation, etc. but let's just leave it at that). Just as I attempt to read a bit into what the Swedish culture is like, I take everything that I can gather at present with a (huge) pinch of salt - generalisations and stereotypes just don't fit anymore in this day and age. As much as I detest how most people overlook the little red dot that I come from (ahem, Singapore) and attach me as belonging to China, I will not make the same tragic mistake of fitting others into a box.

Even though I will essentially be Singaporean (note the distinction here - although my stating this not as a matter of pride, but rather, a matter of fact) with notes of my own individuality as a result of my personal experiences in life...I do look forward to being more open and understanding to alternative cultures and people.

I also look at the niggles within myself and tread extra cautiously - I do realise that Singaporeans, in all their fortune, tend to be very loud, boisterous and informed purely by materialism. We tend to ASK FOR A LOT and GIVE BACK VERY LITTLE. It IS annoying - because I myself, as a Singaporean, have been subject to plenty of such treatment from my fellow countrymen. Yes, we are probably some of the most well-travelled people in the sense that the average Singaporean goes abroad a heck of a lot, but refined people...I'd have to beg to differ. Having material goods doesn't speak about how one is able to think rationally or appreciate and respect other cultures. On the other hand, I also have to add that being "white" doesn't equate to being refined either - I choose not to elaborate on this topic here on the account of being sensitive. So one is never really better off than another and should not be given prefential treatment as such, although some nationalities tend to be placed on the more obnoxious scale of things because...I wonder why? Their governments reflect so? I don't know.

(p.s. Then again this entire post can be interpreted in such a sensitive manner, so I'd like to disclaim that the notion of "Singaporean-ess" is really quite subjective...and that the entire matter in itself is wholly related to ever-intriguing debate of nations and nationalisms - bring on Ernest Gellner and Anthony Smith, anyone?! So please, let's leave that matter to the experts or we could be arguing till the cows come home. Got to say though, that dry stuff is really quite fascinating...)

The slightly premature goodbye

2010-06-28T08:36:00.004+02:00

Given that I can actually be bothered to write right now, coupled with the fact that I will probably be inundated with the realization that I have x10000 things to sort out in the week or so before I get on that plane (and therefore not be able to say goodbye to the old friends personally), I would like to say a couple of things about the last 7 odd years of my life in Melbourne...

The story is getting a bit old and boring now, but I was born and raised in the island state of Singapore. I lived the life of a "heartlander", growing up in a flat on the corner of the 12th floor somewhere in central Singapore. The very first time I ever heard of moving abroad (or even allowed the thought of moving abroad to creep into my head), it was mid-2002 and I was 14. I didn't understand why we had to go anywhere else. Life was going rather well. To uproot everything I had ever known and go to a "white man's land" was quite beyond me. I prayed very hard that my parents wouldn't get the go ahead from the Australian embassy, but they did...and by January 2003, I found myself struggling to find my identity even more so than any other typical teenager.

Coming to Australia was an absolute culture shock, a culture shock that I took years to come to terms with. Fastforward 7 years, and I am comfortable at home in Melbourne. The key things that Australia has taught me? It has helped me to appreciate where I have come from. It has, on a whole, given me a lot of space and time to figure out who I was, what I wanted to do, and how I could get there. For me, Australia has fulfilled it's role as my launching pad thus far.

Why do I choose to leave? A few reasons:
- A severe case of wanderlust and intense desire to experience new cultures
- I do not want to hesitate with the opportunity of providing myself with an international career, and given what I have chosen to do, the place I have chosen to move to fits the bill in more ways than one. In simple terms, the time for me is now.
- In everything I do, I don't take complacency for an answer. I'd like to have increasingly varied perspectives of life. Furthermore, I personally believe that complacency sets in when you get too comfortable in any one place.

There's quite a lot involved in packing up my life and moving it to the other side of the world - a continent I've not visited since I was a 10 year old. Sometimes, I find myself reverting back to the 14 year old that I was, asking myself rhetorical questions about whether it really is necessary for me to break away from the comforts of the things that I know. But I know that hindsight is a beautiful thing, and that the future that awaits me is a personal dream that was a long time coming.

So as I plunge into the next phase of my life, I remind myself to make the most of the opportunities that come my way. And who's to say where I'll see myself after I make my move off from Australia? Will I be back in Melbourne? Yes, my family home is still here. For good though? Don't know. Will I be back in Singapore? Certainly, it is my home country and it will always hold the most special place in my heart. For good though? Not sure. Will I stay in Europe? I can't tell. And then again I would still like to have something to do with Japan in the future...

I'd like to think that my next degree is exciting in that I'll be doing what I truly love - combining my undergraduate and postgraduate interests with my desire to experience different cultures around the world beyond the mere notion of a holiday. So here's hoping the best as I grow a bit older. I may well make learning my profession.

And on a final note - thank you, Melbourne, for hosting me all these years. I appreciate the people whom I've met during my stay here, and we will keep in touch. In particular, I wish all my MTeach colleagues the very best with their teaching careers. I will also miss my room in the family home. I do not know how I am going to pack ALL THIS STUFF into 23 kilograms worth of luggage. Cheers, to a new life that awaits me. At least I get to shop for a brand new wardrobe when I get to my new home ;)

One step at a time

2010-06-15T10:14:00.003+02:00

Taking one step at a time is beginning to take an entirely new meaning for me. It used to be about de-stressing. Now it boils down to it's literal meaning. I take one breathe at a time, living in hope and faith, no matter how hard it may seem...because given my situation, there isn't very much I can do beside wait for things to unravel.

I was overhearing a conversation between some of my family members last night - they were talking about how human it was for people to be impatient, for people to have their needs and/or desires gratified right here and right now...and it's just like where I'm at in life now.

Technically speaking, I've failed a huge chunk of one of my subjects in the final semester of my current degree. The whole matter has been far from upsetting - it's been shocking. It was all very unfortunate how everything turned out the way it did - nothing I did to try and rescue myself from the relatively sudden brink of failure could have helped me to pass. Not given the situation and supervisor I was placed under. That being said, I've never been failed in my university career so far...and now that it has happened, it comes just mere days away from me finishing all my coursework to take out my first Masters degree.

As I've already said, I'm not going to let this perceived failure determine whether or not I am capable of teaching. To have come this far and be deemed as an unsatisfactory teacher is purely beyond me. However, given that the university has to go through protocol and put me through an Unsatisfactory Progress Council hearing before they can determine if I am allowed to repeat all 35 days of my block placement (yes, days of ultimate stress and effort all apparently "wasted" because none of it will be acknowledged by my university), I am left high and dry at present.

I'm going to Sweden to begin a new challenge in August. My days in Australia are numbered. I am waiting for the Council to hold their meeting in July so that they can decide if I am worth giving a second chance. Given my time constraints, who's to say what will happen - even if I am allowed to do another 35 days at primary school?

And then, what does this whole semester amount to? I came into this course of study with a vision - to become a teacher, to get my Masters. I came from an Early Childhood background. I got my postgraduate diploma at the end of last year. Successful completion of this semester would have given me my Masters. The placement storm is over for me now, but a huge cloud still remains over my head. I'm trying not to jump the gun but it's hard not knowing what lies ahead...especially when I did put effort into my work throughout the course of my current study.

I could have chosen to do another option to take out my Masters this semester - I could have done an internship, research, an induction...but although I wasn't sure about primary school I told myself I'd give myself that option and go for Early Years (and teacher registration). Right from the start, it was a challenge - the transition from Early Childhood to Primary school was nothing short of rocky. But who would have figured that my placement would have turned into such a nightmare?

I was at breaking point - physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Everyday there were tears. Then I looked beyond myself, and realized that I had not failed. I decided to brave it, to hold my head high and complete what I set out to do right from the beginning. It was far from a pleasant learning experience, but I took so much away for the future.

Yes, today it may not really matter that I do not get teacher registration. I realize now that I still belong in Early Childhood, and that I want to move above and beyond teaching at the classroom level. And that is why I am going to Sweden to pursue my next Masters degree. But to face the possibility that I may not graduate from my current Masters just because I failed one subject and may not have the luxury of time to make amends? That irks me to no end. I worked so long and hard for this, and at the end of the day I may be denied that piece of paper which qualifies me.

To say that I do not harbour one tinge of regret for choosing to do the Early Years option (instead of something else Early Childhood - rather than primary - centred) this past semester is for me to lie. But what's the point in regretting? I can't turn back the clock. It may seem like a waste of time, effort, money and everything in between...but have I learnt from it as a teacher - no, even beyond that, an educator...and a person? YES I HAVE. And these lessons I will take with me in life where ever it is I go. Do I still want my current Masters degree? OF COURSE. But I now realize that formal education is but a shell - even if you pursue it at postgraduate level, from a prestigious university, it means nothing. I still want that piece of paper because I truly deserve it in more ways than one. But to even comprehend what I had to (and continue to) go through to get that title of Masters of Teaching...just reflects the less-than-satisfactory values that are currently attached to such "education".

I will ensure to take this self-realization with me to my next course of study, and continue to remain in the spirit of hope - both for my own good, and for the eventual good of the people who I will be working for in the future. Beyond all facades, never forget who you are, where you come from, what you went through to get to your end goal...and why you're where you're finally at - because knowledge is not selfish, and the more you grow, the less you really know. All it means is that that you really owe much more to society (and the less fortunate in the world out there).

As for now, I hope and pray. And I take it one step at a time, one step at a time...

Welcome to failure

2010-06-10T12:16:00.003+02:00

It's been a while since I wrote, and so very much "drama" has happened in the past month. My life has been very much rocked by the circumstances that I have endured in the past weeks. I have fallen physically ill, doubted my very essence, lost weight, lacked sleep and shed tears on an almost daily basis given the amount of immense stress that I have been subject to on my current placement round.

And the craziest thing of it all? Despite the fact that I have pushed myself to the very limit in trying to achieve this seemingly unattainable goal of being assessed as "ready to teach", I was still given a fail grade...three days away from finishing my 35 day stint in a classroom where my work was truly unappreciated and unsupported in more ways than one.

Given this situation, I cannot help but feel utterly let down by the system that I am subject to as a student teacher. However, I must add that I am very thankful for this rather negative learning experience. I have gathered virtues of hope, resilience and complete self-belief even though it seemed that the entire world was rearing against me. After all, there's a saying that goes "You don't fail until you have failed yourself" - and I can proudly say that I have not. I have learnt that I am truly passionate about education - the fact that I choose to stay and fight in the midst of a losing battle (and even though I'm technically "over" with block placement, I am still going to continue finishing my block placement because I want to finish off what I set out to do with honour and graciousness) allows me to trust that I am capable of teaching and more.

This entire saga has really set me off on a good foot for educational research, and has reminded me of my end goals as an educator - to move beyond the classroom level by combining my undergraduate interests of international studies and comparative cultures with my existing passion for giving the future generations hope through education.

I am glad that I now have the experience of failure, and would like to let the world know that I am not yet done with primary school teaching - I will try, and try again. Even though it's only another option for me (and a mere drop in the vast ocean of education), I want to set out to finish what I wanted to achieve, and am unwilling to allow my sole primary school experience (and a negative one at that) to determine my perception of primary school in the Victorian context.

That being said, I now have the weight of the world off my shoulders, and a God to thank for seeing me through what has been an exceptionally trying time. I hold my head up high and look forward to future challenges that will continue to refine my teacher self, as well as my very being. Now, if we could just move above and beyond this already...

Regarding Sweden

2010-05-07T13:26:00.002+02:00

As much as there are plenty of pros for continuing my tertiary education by moving to Sweden this autumn (their autumn = Australian spring), there are a good number of reasons as to why I may have to exercise some caution in accepting the offer so blindly. My parents lean towards me going to Sweden, and my sister (and closest comrade in the field of education) has exceptionally good points regarding why it's a better idea to get teaching experience in the classroom for the next few years before going into research.

But at the end of the day, this is my life, my future. Everyone has my interests at heart, and I really appreciate all the support I'm receiving in more ways than one. I need to make things clear for myself and stop sitting on the fence very, very soon. And every waking moment now, amidst the x100000 things I have to accomplish for the final 6 weeks to take out my current degree...the issue weighs very heavily on my mind and my heart.

Because whatever I choose (and soon), I will have to deal with the consequences of my choice. I shouldn't take my university offer as a negative - it's a positive, it's another good option I have. But what is best for me now...and is it possible to possess good foresight in this matter? So hard. The last 24 hours as it is have been very, very hard. It's meant to be a happy thing, but there's so much thinking to do...

Choices and decisions, choices and decisions...

I don't have to dream anymore

2010-04-21T14:34:00.004+02:00

Despite the fact that I have still got a couple more weeks to go before I finish my coursework, I must say that I have learnt x10000 fold in the last year or so - not just about teaching and learning, but about myself, my inclinations, my aspirations.

Coming into teaching, I never knew if it was what I truly wanted. It is so much more than meets the eye - it isn't merely about the fun you will have being around children. The work is a lot harder than I perceived it to be, the hours can be long and intense (well, it really depends on how dedicated you are, or rather...how much of your candle you want to burn/how efficient and effective you are when it comes to narrowing the subjectives down into objectives)...the pay (when I eventually get working) isn't going to be amazing given that it is a profession that involves a lot of nurturing (and the subsequent giving of your self).

But somehow, in spite of the billion and one things that need to be addressed in a typical school day, I really enjoy what I am doing. I finally see the bigger picture, I finally find that I am passionate about something...something that provides me with some stability and a future. I have been waiting for this moment for a very long time - I always knew what my inclinations were, and I had some very vague but grand ideas of where I wanted to see myself in the future. The only thing about the past was that I never knew how to get to my goals.

And then this thing called teaching came along as a very feasible option for me to try out. I wasn't completely convinced that it was for me, but the more I endured the absolute madness that teacher training was (and in some senses, still is), the more I realized that it helped me to grow up as a person - to think about who I was, why I was doing what I was doing, and whether it made sense to my personal life goals. And the best thing of it all was that for once, I couldn't be more sure that I was (and still am) happy.

I may never know material wealth, or be rich in time, but knowing that I am involved in helping children to build their futures (and the rest of the world's too) is the one thing that makes me content. I am excited about the learning that will continue to take place on my part in the next couple of weeks...and the rest that will come post post-graduation :)

No such thing as a worthless moment

2010-04-07T13:35:00.005+02:00

On days like today, I feel quite pathetic at life. I abhor this extreme sense of negativity so much, that I really wish that I could just disappear from the face of this earth.

But running away from my insecurities is not going to help anything at all. I could cry and have a moan about it...but it's not going to resolve the root of the problem. So I sit down to think it through, and I realize that all I need to do is to filter my priorities out, and to be thankful for all my blessings.

After all, we all have our days. And we will revisit these moments many a time in our lives. I may not understand why today felt like absolute nonsense, but I will look back at this moment and know that I have weathered it towards greater things. Hope and faith, I think that's what it's called. I would also like to thank all the people who have left a positive mark in my life - today, I thought of you in my attempt to make myself a bit happier, and it worked!

The problem with being completely logical

2010-03-28T03:33:00.003+02:00

I have come to a bit of an impasse. For years, the words "The more I grow, the less I know", have been my lacking answer to many things that I have perplexed over.

It is quite surprising how I didn't arrive at this conclusion a lot earlier. Maybe it's because I always find myself piqued by what appears to be least examinable of things...and then I get carried away by my thought processes.

I was just thinking about how I didn't and couldn't understand materialism and the notion of "one-up-man-ship" in the world. This particular matter has been one of the mainstays in my personal inquiries over time. Out of the blue today, this new possibility came to me. After all these years of thinking, I was still getting no where. Perhaps some things are purely senseless - absolutely illogical because of what human nature is like, coupled with the fact that we live in a world where higher powers work together to unwittingly lord over our senses, beliefs and entire way of life...

It's almost akin to some of the most tyrannical moments in human history - for example, the rule of Hitler. He was feared by the general population of his society back in the day - so much so that he was able to "rationalise" one of the most terrible genocides ever and gather popular support for his acts of warped power.

Do you really think that tyranny does not exist in our day and age given that most of us live in a "free world" marked by this ideology called capitalism? I'd like to argue that it does - it's just a lot more insiduous. It's actually almost everywhere around us - in the workplace, in the social sphere, in governance. You just have to be a lot more astute and not take what the world throws at you - for example, you don't read the newspapers and take it as word, there are encoded messages in those articles that shape your way of thinking and eventual prejudices (or not). You don't allow marketing to eat you up alive by exposing any part of your worth (think social identity and status, feelings of self-accomplishment, etc.) to the apparent "need" to be living in a particular estate, driving a particular automobile, wearing high-end fashion labels, being "seen/associated" with a particular group of so-called "high-flying/stylish" people, and so on.

Because these things act in the same tyrannical way that Hitler's tyranny did - only it comes in a softer form. The silent pushes and pulls of the structures of the world. And we buy it. Our very beings are dictated by these things. And if they didn't exist anymore, we'd be left stark naked in life. So goes the potent mix of flawed human nature to be so susceptible to the polished things of the world - the things that strip us of that unnerving truth, that only we ourselves can guarantee our own freedoms by knowing, believing and listening to our own beings.

Truly, the more I grow...the less I know. This is because I grew up harbouring so much faith in the fact that human beings were rationale and operated on higher-thinking processes. But we all don't. And it seems like we're doomed to be stuck in this perpetual cycle of viciousness. A reason for selective logic, maybe? I need to carve my own freedom by finding a way of acquiring skilled detachment from this world.

Childish? Perhaps.

2010-03-24T12:36:00.003+01:00

Over the past few days, I've been reflecting very hard on my first weeks in primary school - for the first time, I'm no longer the student in a formal school setting...but the teacher. The five days so far have been exceptionally telling for me on the teaching front, as much as it has fed into this entire business of "growing up" and assuming adulthood.

I don't wish to make unnecessary assumptions about primary school as I still am a student teacher and am still finding more concrete personal answers to resolve the perplexing debate between preschool and primary school teaching. However, I must say that hindsight is a very beautiful thing - my year in Early Childhood has provided me with very some invaluable perspectives into primary teaching, and it has undoubtedly bolstered my passion for the field. I thank all my endless assignments, lecturers (even the ones whom I didn't fancy too much), my family, close friends...and my fellow coursemates for the tireless support and learning experiences that helped me to arrive at this stage of self-realization.

Exactly a decade ago, I was a primary six (equivalent to grade six) student. Today, the grade sixes that pass me by during school hours look at me with apprehension - because I am an "adult". Surely it's weird...given that I can remember very clearly my primary school days - it was like yesterday although 10 years have past. What can we do to connect to the children that we once were? A six year old told me, "Grown ups don't joke". Whatever happened to childhood? Sure I have to take my job seriously and be firm when I need to, but really...do grown ups lose all sense of imagination and playfulness? I doubt so. Adults just put on fronts for all silly reasons (there is always the apparent need to prove yourself mature to this construct called society - you need to better off than someone else, worthy...but honestly, why do we buy the lies that are wrapped up in consumer goods and wonderful marketing quotes that make wants sound like needs?) - and then in the staff room, the child in each person finds moments to show itself.

I am 22. I have made my honestly silly mistakes. Those mistakes did not reflect that I had "grown up". But even though I now realize that I can deal with a lot of life's challenges in a more affirmative manner and can even commiserate with some of the people I have aggrieved in the past, I dispute the fact that I am an adult. No, I am not deluding myself. But who can say that life is not a learning curve, and that you do not elapse into moments of childlikeness? Somewhere inside me, and I believe, everyone else...lies the carefree childhood that they occasionally long to revisit.

Random muses

2010-03-05T09:51:00.004+01:00

Just a couple of thoughts after going through the dramatic week that seemed to last an eternity:
- Imagine life without any dramas or issues whatsoever. Restful, huh? Actually, not really. Life would be so boring, and I don't think I'd ever learn anything concrete in life.
- Speaking of learning things in life, I'm kind of glad that I have met all kinds of lovely and not-so-lovely adults (to be impolitically correct, arseholes) ever since I went on exchange to Seoul in 2008, and all the more so since I started my postgraduate degree last year...up till now. It really attunes you to the big bad world out there. Reality is, when I go out to work, I will be facing the exact same thing. And you know what? I think I can cop it without losing my cool now.
- Regarding Melbourne, Singapore currently trumps it x1000000 times. Even though it's true that Singaporeans are generally more rude, the pace of life is insane and the weather is unbearable. Singapore is where progress is seen physically, it's where the extended family is, it's where I cannot sleep and eat a lot of junk food...not that it's a good thing I suppose! But anyhow, I am still based in Melbourne due to work commitments.
- I want to go to Europe, stop tempting me Joanna! I can't make up my mind as to where I should go for my graduation trip in July...I don't have very long but I do want to swing by Singapore again (of course I always do).
- I am still praying that the tertiary institution in Sweden doesn't accept me in May so that I don't have to reconsider yet another drastic option with regards to my post-postgraduation in a couple of months time...if I even survive this hellhole known as primary teaching.
- I AM HOPING THAT MY PLACEMENT IS GOING TO REDEEM THIS MESS THAT IS EARLY YEARS SO FAR. I am looking forward to working with the preppies. Nevertheless, I am still going to persevere because I want to have my VIT accreditation...though it would also be ideal that I enjoy my final months in school rather than cringe at every moment where some retarded primary teaching person begins to talk about children from a very deficit-based point of view/belittle early childhood trained teachers.
- Whatever it is, we cannot let negativity put us down. Nobody can validate my worthiness. So may we all never give up hope, and may we continue to support each other in our low moments. Who-know-who-you-are, REPLY ME/CALL ME/TEXT ME BACK. You are loved in more ways than one and you need to know that!

Okay, end of rant. Till next week, which will probably be better than this one :)

Last night

2010-02-26T11:29:00.003+01:00

There are some things that you know you should not do because they are illogical and silly, but you still do them anyway because you can't help yourself somehow. Like how you know that you are blessed enough to return to your home country every few months to visit your loved ones and indulge in all the things that you once took for granted until you moved abroad...but you still cry like a baby when it's time for you to say another brief goodbye to the people and things you grew up with.

This was what happened last night in Singapore. I rehearsed it in my head and re-assured myself that it was just yet another goodbye - I mean, I should be familiar with such an exercise now that I've been shuttling back and forth from the motherland and family for about seven odd years, right? But somehow, arriving at the grand age of 22 came with a lot of realizations - like how it felt like yesterday when I was in primary school tending to the toddlers next door...but now their almost done with primary school and I'm on the verge of the rest of my life.

And I suppose that's why I cried. I don't know how long more I can afford to shuttle back to Singapore once I graduate and move on to work/another course of study in another foreign land. What I hate most is that life goes by in a blink of an eye, and I won't be physically present to see through the good and the bad times with the family.

I think I am an emotional wreck sometimes. On a lighter note, it is quite nice to be back in Melbourne to get some good rest before the brain gets challenged for the next 4 months at university. I hope the next few months will provide me with some insight and direction as to where I should go when it's all over.

Post-postgraduate

2010-01-12T12:35:00.003+01:00

I was just doing some very simple maths and thinking about my future post-postgraduation. God-willing, this will not be the last I see of university. This may just be the helm of something absolutely unfathomable.

One thing though, I am very unwilling to allow my parents to contribute to my living expenses for the next 2 years if I do get accepted into the next graduate course. If I am to go though, I will have no other choice but to accept their financial support.

It'd break my heart seeing the money go like that over the next 2 years...yet I really want the next 2 years so badly. Well, it's not like I got accepted yet...but May will tell my path in life - because if and when I embark upon research, there isn't a "reverse" button to hit.

One question that lays so heavy on my heart and mind: "How do international students who pay exhorbitant amounts of money on expenses related to their tertiary education sleep at night?"

Because I can't do it. What justifies it? I think I will spend every day and night throughout my next course of study pushing myself to the limit in terms of work/budgeting. And I will cry, a lot. I won't know how to repay the parents. But then again, I WANT THE NEXT 2 YEARS SO BADLY. I am half wishing that they reject me as a student so that I won't even have to feel so torn about this.

Let me be strong in my weakness

2010-01-07T04:53:00.003+01:00

Today, I shall leave these lyrics up for open interpretation. Lying in bed last night, I allowed the words below to speak true.

Later, I found myself singing the words to "Your Grace is sufficient for me" - because He has carried me through many storms and raging seas, and rescued me in my hour of need. I simply cannot find any other reason to justify my existence on this earth, I really can't. If religion makes me weak, so be it. At least I haven't thrown the towel into the bucket yet - because without faith, I can say with certainty that I'd have been lying in my grave ages ago.

Pearls and swine bereft of me
Long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity for leaving I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the Highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Friends and liars don't wait for me
'Cause I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night, the night..

- "I am the Highway", Audioslave.

Another bit of uselessness

2010-01-05T12:41:00.003+01:00

After leafing through Andrew Zuckerman's "Wisdom" last night, I had the smart (or not so smart idea) of coming up with my own little bit of what I know about life and how I live it. So here it is, even though I don't expect anyone apart from me to care less about what I'm going to say next...

Life as I know it.

I know that there is a reason, and that being true and faithful to myself is imperative. I aspire to live in the spirit of love and reverence, and it's ironic but I hope to attain simplicity whilst also expanding my horizons.

I want to contribute to the wider world what it has inspired within me, and I believe that the key to this is to synergize experiencing the everyday with childlike wonder...and to engage with lifelong learning as a rationale, open-minded adult who immerses oneself in cultures, literature and a broad-spectrum of interests.

I am nothing without my faith in God. This may sound like a well-worn cliche, but I sincerely believe that I have been blessed with the most insightful, loving and encouraging dad ever - he is my family, friend, mentor and critique. For all my childhood experiences till now (and I trust, always), I cannot express gratitude for how well equipped I am for the rest of my journey.

I am ready to fly, but I must never forget the team I'm playing for - the people of the everyday, their futures in the form of their children, OUR FUTURE. Serving others is the greatest pleasure of all - and in the process of doing so, you get served with priceless life lessons. To be honest, I think people use the need to win as an excuse - it really is a matter of self-assurance. And that is something that is a matter of self-discovery and consequent self-respect. You've got to be passionate about what you like doing. Nobody can tell you that you're ready - your heart and mind will when you seek, and you just have to follow it.

I will fall at some point in time, and that's okay. Life is about change, and if I hit the wall someday, I can cry about it for a bit...but what's important is that I grow from apparently rough times. That is why spirituality and self-reflection is so crucial - it helps you to get back up and on top of it.

At the end of the day, I will look back and it will all make complete sense. And if it doesn't, it will in the generations to come. It is often said that parents desire for their children to be carbon copies of themselves and their unfulfilled dreams. That is partially true and relatively important. But I aspire for all the children I have to teach me to become a better person; to be prepared to do what they love in life; and to love and respect each other and their wider world - to rise above me in a million ways more than one.

Crossing over to 2010

2009-12-30T12:34:00.003+01:00

The heat is really draining me, but I resolve to sit and do up my official end-of-year/start-of-year reflection piece. So here goes as I conjure up another blasted entry.

The entire concept of time is really beyond me - sometimes it feels like I'm bleeding a slow death. Other times, it's almost as if I'm having a rush of blood to the head. So it was with 2009 - a wonderful welcome to the quintessential life of a postgraduate student who isn't quite sure of what she signed up for in the first place.

I don't need to reiterate how much I've grown and learnt as a person, a teacher, a friend and a family member this year...because words cannot express the invaluable experiences I've had on all fronts in the past 364 days. I'll just say that I'm thankful for all the apparently difficult times, and for the mentorship I've received from my loved ones throughout the year - without all of your encouragement and moments of lightheartedness...and the grace of God, I'm sure I wouldn't have gone through it all so smoothly. Also, thanks to this year's experiences, I now know to be unafraid of the future - come what may, the word "impossible" is a mere illusion.

As I close the chapter for 2009 and continue moving on to what I hope may be bigger and better things for the future...I must also add that life is short, and as much as I prepare for what appears to be a brilliant path ahead of me...I need to stop and treasure the moments and the people who are dear to me. No matter how morbid this sounds, death is no friend and it does not care about who, where or what. May I (and the rest of us) remember those who have grieved and continue to grieve for loved ones lost this year.

So what's on the sketchpad for 2010? If God willing, my final semester in my current course of study will run smoothly and I will graduate mid-2010...and go on a nice holiday to Europe as a bit of a reward/breath of fresh air before work life beckons. And the rest...well I can only try and see where life and God takes me, no? I have some ideas as to where I'd like to work in the near future, but we'll see how I go. Oh, and I'll be 22. What a perfectly odd age! I don't intend to do resolutions...apart from the fact that I definitely should hope to find myself a permanent job relevant to my area of specialisation - and that's not even resolving really, that's more like trying to keep life real.

That means I have no where else to run in terms of new year's topics to go on about apart from having to wish everyone a blessed and safe New Year filled with wise decisions that will keep life real for themselves and for others. So do it, live life with purpose, have some fun...and try to make the world a better place for one and all. Sending my love and warmest regards to everyone at the start of 2010 xx

Love, sweet love.

2009-12-19T09:05:00.004+01:00

I hate talking about love in first-person to most people. I'd prefer to live in a make-belief type of oblivion, and live life without want. But who's to kid? We all want to be loved. And this little excerpt that I came across really draws out the silly, mopey, dependent type woman within me so much that I have share it right here. So enjoy this while it lasts.

“Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…

You give them a piece of you. They don’t ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like ’maybe we should just be friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Rose Walker
The Sandman series by Neil Gaiman Book #10.

To SS.

2009-12-15T08:13:00.003+01:00

Life is so unpredictable. Recently, I was just thinking about how I'd cope if any of my nearest and dearest passed away. I've been to many funerals before, but what happens when it really hits home? I suppose we should prepare for death as much as we do life.

My thoughts are with a certain someone and her family right now as they go through what must be indescribable sorrow. You can and will be strong with God as your comfort. Sending you all my love and prayers at this tough time.

Goodbye for most of summer (to half the MTeach crew)

2009-12-12T06:47:00.003+01:00

Omg. Half of my MTeach crew are leaving Melbourne within the next week. It's already odd enough being on holidays...even more so without the gang. You guys are truly my comrades at university and beyond. I WANT TO GO ABROAD NOW TOO. But in reality there's a lot of alone time I need too - I'm applying for jobs for the first half of next year/starting immediately. And I'm thinking about jobs in the latter half of 2010...should I or should I not take up casual teaching jobs in the UK so that I can travel Europe for half a year?

BUT IF I DO THAT I WON'T BE ATTENDING MY CONFERRING CEREMONY IN AUGUST WITH MY MTEACHERS (plus, I didn't even wear my graduation gown in undergraduate). Sigh, decisions. I don't know. I really want to go to Europe but merely travelling is so stupid - you don't get to experience life there in more depth, and all you're doing is spending money and essentially wasting time.

Goodbye Darika, I will miss you (see you in Bangkok in late January). And I will miss you too Sarah (see you in Singapore in late January). And goodbye Mariko (I will see you when we return from our travels in February). MEL AND BRITTANY AND JESS, YOU ARE ALL I HAVE LEFT! You are welcome to teach me the ways when the other three are gone, lol. Love you all xx

Holiday away from the "holiday"

2009-12-08T13:31:00.005+01:00

I really can't imagine life without music (with a good sound system blasting please), mindblowing fashion shows and photo shoots (the music, visuals and beautiful textures all portrayed so boldly by human poise)...a good musical or two (seriously, I can never admire broadway performers enough), or interiors and architectural pieces that I can gaze at and discuss.

The arts are to me a release - a form of sheer relaxation and imagination. It is also a great form of inspiration - it is the epitome of dreams. Just because I'm such a stupid go-getter when it comes to the future, I find that I'm very stressed out a lot. And where do I run to apart from the handful of loved ones? I ensure that I get an extreme dose of the arts - anytime I need to get a break you'll see the earplugs with the music on...taking me away to someplace else altogether. Or maybe a short viewing of the latest on the runways, or a look through some glossy pages highlighting interiors.

My holidays are so weird. I don't even hang out - what in the world?! I mean, who is there to hang out with...when the realisation hits that I have ONE SEMESTER left to graduation and a very real career in teaching? Suddenly there are so many options to pick from, and so much research to do with regards to future employment and professional development. About a billion things need to be sorted out and sometimes I just can't help but stop and gawk at how quickly everything has gone (and how I'm now on a never-ending learning journey).

2009 was a truly epic year in every sense of the word. I can't even begin to describe. I'm feeling and contemplating things that I've never ever felt or contemplated before this year. How tragically cliche, because turning 21 marks official adulthood. When I turned 21 earlier this year, I thought that it was such a joke - age is just a number, as if you really mature just because you're technically a year older! But now that I'm a couple of months shy from 22, I realise that the magic number really does live up to its name. Funny, because I didn't even see it that way and didn't even do anything big to acquire my "key" to adulthood.

And I don't know why I'm spouting all this random nonsense right here, but I just felt the need to. I'm a bit tired of how my brain can never give itself a break from my goals in life. Maybe I should take a holiday. Or continue running away from the intensity that is my reality...to another realm of intensity - that of the arts. Wow, intense. Right. Holiday, anyone?

Obscurity

2009-11-20T13:14:00.004+01:00

I know that I shouldn't be swayed by what the world thinks. It's not that I should shut myself out to other perspectives of things, but I have always found that it is important to stand your ground - especially given that I am at a sort of crossroads in my life right now, struggling to grow up, almost.

I do, however, find it incredibly hard to translate inner strength into physical reality. I go silent when I should speak, and I allow trespassing into my life. People shouldn't reveal their weaknesses in the view of manipulation. But sometimes, I really think that life can be such a facade. Realness is so lacking in the world today, and we all need to let loose a little at times.

Amidst all the intensity of being a student teacher, I have somehow managed to harp on the apparently irrelevant (and destructive) things in life. Things like how I am 21 and I haven't actually achieved much in any sense of the word. You may question..."But what does achievement mean? Isn't it subjective?" And my answer is, I don't know, I suppose I'm thinking about achievement from a commercialised point of view (no matter how silly that may sound and if that even makes sense)...

But really, sometimes I see how others my age or even younger have apparently "made it" in life - they have, given the same amount of time on earth as I have, carved a career and a niche for themselves to nestle into (or rather, to launch themselves from). And me? What have I?

Yes, so I'm doing my second tertiary degree - but what are qualifications? It's just a piece of paper. I love children, but given my experience in the classroom this year, I'm just not sure if this is it. I've been put through a lot in terms of academics and practice, and the working environment in this field doesn't seem to be particularly encouraging in some ways. But then again, is there ever an "IT" that I truly want to aspire towards? Or am I merely another typical Generation Y kid who is drifting through life? That thought alone scares the hell out of me. I like knowing, and instability is something that I am challenged by. However, the beauty of life is that it is, above all else, uncertain (with an ironic but certain ending - death).

Oh goodness, what was the point of all this incessant babbling anyway? I must sound like/harbour traces of someone who is so bitter and ungrateful for all the goodness that has happened in my life thus far. Seems like the cliches still stand - "The grass is always greener on the other side", and "You never know what you've got till you lose it"

Human beings. Always looking for something bigger and better. Searching for meaning. Deceiving themselves and others into believing that they are perfectly fine and happy with the way that they are. But inside, everything is hollow.

I'm one week away from finishing off all my coursework to take out my Graduate Diploma in Early Childhood Teaching, and this is what I'm thinking:
"I don't know if I really want to teach the 0-5 age group. I don't think it's my cup of tea. If I do end up in childcare, I might as well get married and have a family of my own. Maybe I really like writing better and would like to end up doing research or writing so that I can inform policy in the future. But my grades aren't even exceptional in the academic sense. Damn assessment, it's so subjective"

IS THERE EVEN ANYTHING I WANT TO DO IN LIFE? I try my hand at things and then start feeling unsettled whenever I have to make concrete commitments or decisions about them. But then again maybe it's because I've had a particularly stressful time as of late and I have just been really over the entire student teacher position in practice. Nevertheless, I am really looking forward to primary school teaching next year. Whatever you say world, doubt my skills now for all I care. I am silent at work but I watch and I learn. Yes, you step all over me now, but I will rise against the odds. I don't even need you to watch. I have one life on earth, and I choose not to let myself down - if I ever did, it would be the biggest disgrace.

And if you read this, I just wasted a chunk of your life trying to grasp my obscure thoughts.

Hello, self

2009-11-02T01:20:00.005+01:00

There is more than sitting behind this screen, writing my angst away. And what's the point of all this negativity anyway? Human beings, women, whatever...I really would like to understand. But the question is, what if the truth revealed that people were actually a lot less individualistic than we all thought them to be?

Maybe it's just me, but the more I look at it, the more I realise that we are essentially similar. We all strive towards something, someone, somewhere...and a majority of the time we are just unhappy with our progress/where we are currently at. When we get to our goal, we relish in the moment for a short period of time, and soon enough we find reasons to be discontent again. I'm not saying that ambition or dreams are negative things, but at what cost do we work towards them?

Let's consider it this way. What is the most critical underlying reason behind our wanting to get to a particular goal? Beyond the need for material goods, status, love, acceptance...what is it? Is it the need for our selves to find liberation - to feel like we can finally be at peace with who we are?

It's just amusing how we are just running around in cycles all our life, trying to fit into the bigger picture somewhere. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense to believe that contentment and self-liberation lies in oneself. We would like to believe that such a sweeping statement is the truth, but really...what is so new about it? It's just a revelation, something that was sitting in the same spot all along waiting for blockheads like me to have a bit of a "Eureka!" moment.

And now the question is, am I at peace with myself? If not, why not? Because I own the keys to my life, and nothing, nobody and no place can make me any better so long as I do not respect the spirit that lies within.

Thinking out loud to myself

2009-09-29T14:38:00.009+02:00

Perhaps some things are better left unsaid. Some things are not meant for human ears, because when said, things bounce off walls and go completely out of hand at times. Some things are meant for your heart and mind to silently muse over, and for you to share with your God - if you believe that there is a greater being out there. You have to do yourself some good in choosing to build yourself up, to protect your own back and give yourself personal space (I'm not saying that it should happen to the point of egocentricity though).

I have come to the realization - or rather, have been reminded of - the fact that truths lie in front of us all along, waiting for our closed-minded human perceptions to be awoken so that we may understand and accept them.

Ecclesiastes 1:9 from the New Living Translation of the Holy Bible frames this so beautifully, stating that "History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new"

It isn't as if my zest for life has been lost. Everyday I aspire to learn something new, grow to become more like the person whom I believe I was born to become. It's just that life is an irony in many ways, a reality versus fantasy type of thing. Or maybe it's not so much fantasy, but rather, huge aspirations/dreams. Can both of these things ever coincide nicely? Does my rhetorical question even make sense to myself? Afterall, there is a reason why they are two seperate entities, as fiction and non-fiction are aptly named...

To the folks in the motherland

2009-09-22T16:11:00.001+02:00

I was just doing some very random thinking and I decided that I had to share my years of compilative reflection with you all:
- Singaporeans have it so rough with it comes to education. All the way from early childhood to tertiary education, it's stress and competition, and more stress and competition
- Singaporeans have it so rough at work...crazy working hours, pay that isn't anything very much to crow about, no worker's rights
- Singaporeans are living in such a grossly materialistic society which is the epitome of meritocratic (yeah, right...more like elitist). Can someone answer me as to why locals feel the need to compare how smart their children are/where they live/what car they drive/how much money they earn? EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN LIFE AND NO, WE DON'T NEED TO CARRY CHANEL BAGS BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO COOL TO DO THAT AND GET SPOTTED AT ZOUK OPENING BOTTLES.

Then again, I do admire Singaporeans for holding up relatively well in such a pressure cooker of a society. I'm convinced that I could never survive there anymore after 7 years of living abroad. I've adopted too much of this laid-backness and would not be able to tolerate being thumbed down by my boss all the time/forced to sleep in university libraries trying to complete ruthless assignments and the pressure of getting perfect grades all the time/be looked at funny when I choose not to conform to the materialism.

Nevertheless, I wish all my loved ones in Singapore could have a taste of what their lives could be like, free. But on hindsight, isn't freedom something you accord yourself in spirit? Hmmm. Thoughts?

What a whack week

2009-09-17T12:54:00.002+02:00

It's like I'm riding some kind of sick emotional rollercoaster. It's only Thursday but the week seems to have worn it's welcome out already.

Monday: a particular tutor & her totally crude and unnecessary remarks made about our presentation + book work reality smacks us in the face at our network meeting(nice way to be reminded that term break begins next week)

Tuesday: an absolutely slack but memorable day with my children. It's nice to know that you are their favourite (although I really shouldn't be hinging on this too much)

Wednesday: VISUAL ART FOLIO, I write 10 pages of absolute witty-sounding nonsense for my experiences

Thursday: VISUAL ART FOLIO - I am seriously starting to hate you. Given the % you are worth, you are wasting a lot of my time with sorting out photos, matching them to my responses, cutting, pasting. Glue stick is officially my enemy.

And add in some other dramatic twists on the friendship front along the way, and the fact that my best friend is going to exchange in Sweden in first semester next year...and you got yourself a golden week of ultimate highs and lows.

LIFE. And oh, hello to my next assignment to pen by Monday :(

A thing called passion

2009-09-03T05:37:00.002+02:00

I think I have found this thing called passion. In doing my work with the children over the past couple of weeks, I have started to find myself questioning the meanings behind my chosen course of profession and my outlook to life itself. And it's simply amazing how much I have learned over the course of the year as it currently is.

Before I found myself studying to teach, I always had a soft spot for children. To me, they were the pure, innocent, always a joy...and most importantly, they showed us adults how to live simply, and brought new perspectives to adult lives. I was a bit uncertain as to whether I wanted and could dedicate myself to a career in teaching, however. With some encouragement from one of the greatest role models in my life, I finally decided to give it a go, and here I am...absolutely exhausted and stressed out at many points in time, but weirdly committed to learning and growing for what appears to be a great purpose (the children).

As time comes along, I find that my previous notions of the child as innocent doesn't hold as strongly. This is not to say that I have had bad experiences with children. Rather, I've learned never to underestimate children in who they are and what they can do. They can be exceptionally capable beings - even more so than seemingly mature adults. However, my preconceived idea of children as being a living model for adults has not changed. If anything, they have taught me even more than I could ever teach them.

Certainly, I am studying to teach children. But in the course of becoming a teacher, I first must learn to understand the child and where he or she is coming from. Their backgrounds, perspectives and my reality (knowing about curricula, regulations, partnership building with parents and colleagues, child development theory, etc) must fuse to become a whole picture if my journey as an effective pedagogue is to be embarked upon holistically.

And as I find myself constantly scratching my head over how to introduce an objective lesson to the children in ways that they can relate to, enjoy and engage with what I've planned...I realize that I have to (and am slowly beginning to) break away with the complicated theories that adults always come up with in finding answers to solutions. Considering how I can't do away with the gist of my work (accountability to the frameworks, regulations, and the fact that I am here to teach the child something he or she doesn't already know at their level, etc) this is really tricky. So the question now is, how do I strike a balance between this to find my place in the world of pedagogy?

I feel the need to start having a sort of a small note book in my pocket/bag with me wherever I go, so that I can do jottings on random ideas/conversations had/people, things and places experienced that may help me to find innovation in giving the children a valuable and enjoyable experience in the classroom. In many ways, my view of the world is started to get broken down into small little analytical pieces on a moment to moment basis. I don't think my mind ever takes a complete break from trying to see the world as a curious place as a child does...and that's because I need to fill myself in their shoes to be able to relate to and to help them learn.

I know all of us teacher candidates hate the words "critical reflection", but I suppose you can never do away with it, because it's in these moments that virtuoso ideas come to your head that you'd never be able to dream up.

And the point of this whole entry is that I'm inspired, I think I can finally say I've lived to see this thing called passion. I'm burnt out on an almost everyday basis - on the physical and mental front in particular, but somehow I keep going, and I remind myself that the learning journey never ends...and for a good cause too. I have found that I have been missing out on so much in life living it from a so-called "grown up" perspective - it's true that we don't stop to enjoy the flowers by the road like children do. Realistically speaking, I can't really afford to do this...but at least I'm aware that there is a need to take real time out to see the world differently, in a very simple yet inquisitive manner.

So this year I turned 21, a milestone into adulthood...but this year, I was also made to reconsider the eccentricities of adult life and start rewinding back to the basics, because the children taught and inspired me to do so. And ironically, this is helping me to learn so that I can have an adult future, teaching the most important people in the world...

The 9th of August

2009-08-09T08:06:00.002+02:00

Today marks the 44th birthday of my home country. Every year, it is the same rhetoric. The National Day message by the Prime Minister, the National Day Parade at night, and red and white being donned by all patriots of the land. And of course, the signature National Day song of the year.

I have been living away from the mother land for seven odd years and counting now, and it never fails to amaze me how much I have learnt and grown in what appears to be a blink of an eye. Having reached the universal age of adulthood this year, I look back upon my growing up years and I see this kaleidoscope of experiences that I will always treasure - be it the highs or lows.

Certainly, I don't necessarily agree with the way in which Singapore is governed all the time, and I have some qualms about how people and society work in my country of citizenship...but for every one thing that I feel iffy about my home nation, there are probably two other things I love about it. Singlish may not sound very classy, but it is identity. It is amazing how much you can appreciate a Jack Neo film when it is watched in the comforts of your home some seven odd hours away by plane. The environment may be sterile in Singapore, but in some way, the country can owe it's efficiency and economic success to it.

Having lived experiences in two vastly different countries has been a great blessing that many people will not be able to appreciate. However, I still know one thing. In spite of my ability to be critical of my home nation upon comparing it with my adopted home in Australia, I will never forget where I come from. I don't necessarily feel the need to die for my mother land, but it is an essential part of me and my extended family still continues to exist where I don't anymore.

And who knows what the future will bring? Perhaps I may just find myself to be another hurried Singaporean in Singapore (although of course, it is not an ideal situation). Then again, wherever my future takes me (I am a bit of a wandering spirit), I will always be able to say "lah, leh and lor" and find myself craving hawker fare, just the best food in the world...

From an overseas Singaporean to all other Singaporeans wherever you are, have a great National Day. I will be attending my first National Day gathering since 2002 tonight, and I hope that you will congregate over yummy Singaporean fare and/or treasure the gaudiness of red/white.

Love, Hong Kong

2009-07-09T16:49:00.002+02:00

Greetings from Tsim Sha Tsui in Hong Kong - the land that TRULY never sleeps. I am LOVING it and never want to depart. I wonder if my love for Asia ever ends.

You may be thinking this "if you love HK so much, why the hell are you blogging in your hotel room when it's ONLY 11pm and there's music thumping from the bar downstairs?" - well, answer is...I'm going to meet a friend from exchange days at 12.30am and I am supposed to be packing for Macau tomorrow. Plus, I only have 1000 odd HKD left and I am not even 1/1000th through with shopping in Hong Kong - got to love the endless variety that shoppers are spoilt with...and SUMMER SALES! I honestly wish that my bank account was loaded and that I had x10 stomachs so that I could down all this glorious food - too many dishes, too little time :(

I had a really good time in Bangkok last week, and a great weekend in Singapore prior to this week too. Good times always roll by too quickly. As my winter break (oh gloom, WINTER...) comes to an end (soon), these memories I will keep with me for inspiration throughout the next semester. And before I know it, I will find myself back in amazing Asia again (yes, Thailand, Hong Kong and Singapore are on my cards again for the end of the year - except this time I will make sure my holiday extends itself and maybe I can finally make the trip to Ho Chi Minh...and a couple of other Asian destinations).

ONE MORE YEAR + about a year of work experience in Australia...and I'm so going to find myself a job in Asia. I know where my heart truly belongs. Thanks to all my lovely friends and family for the good times I've had in the past week or so...and in the next couple of days of my very short but extremely well-deserved holiday. I love you all very dearly. Okay, time for me to get packing to check out tomorrow morning. Ciao!

Two things

2009-06-25T12:11:00.003+02:00

I believe that the media, no matter where you are in the world...always blows things out of context in a bid to SELL NEWS. It's all about capturing the public's attention with the most sensationalism so that they can sell advertisements and products in their pages/during breaks to the widest possible audience.

Lately, I've been exceptionally browned off by two things that the media has been endlessly drilling into us. They are:
1. The swine flu/H1N1
2. The entire "Utegate" political scandal going on in Australia

Brief comments on the aforementioned shall suffice.

Firstly, the swine flu. Honestly, let's get our facts rights. How many people die of the common flu as compared to H1N1? The media needs to take a break from this bullcrap and start focusing on more important issues (which I don't believe is very hard to think up at all...let's see, what about the Global Financial Crisis? Or global warming?) Ridiculous, all this hype around swine flu. All this paper, energy, human resource, stress, etcetera spent on this one issue could go towards something else more worthy.

Next, the "Utegate" scandal. I can't be bothered typing up the background to this entire saga, but google it and I'm pretty sure you'll find extensive articles written about it. Wait, WHAT? Why are we even dubbing it "Utegate"? I suggest that Australia stops trying to be a second-rate USA (which, by the way, isn't exactly the world either). Then again, this whole scandal is SO petty. If this is the state of our Federal politics, let it be said that our country is doomed.

"Issues" like these are absolutely doing my head in. I need to find a hole to bury my head into right about now, just so that I can protect myself from swine flu and partisan politics...

Wearing thin

2009-06-06T08:29:00.005+02:00

It is Saturday evening. I have just completed 1 of 5 assignments. And oh, I cut French class today because if I went it'd have taken my entire day away from me and I cannot afford to do that right now. My body is still suffering the effects of a gruelling time at the gym yesterday night, but what's new? Pain is such a foreign concept now.

I know that all I ever write and talk about these days is uni-related work and the immense stress surrounding this matter...but honestly, it amazes me to see how much I have learnt about early childhood, teaching, learning, people and life since I started graduate school in late February. It's like life in a super fast track...except I don't even know what defines life anymore, because a lot of the time it just appears like the odds are against me.

The thought of how I used to actually put effort into making friends and building relationships with people is really beyond me now. In fact, I'm quite inclined to believe that I have next to no friends anymore considering how I'm really bad at responding people and I have no time whatsoever to arrange meet-ups (or even bother to do so, given how extremely worn out I am by the craziness of graduate school). It would really be interesting to see if I my social life can ever be resuscitated again. Call me a pessimist if you will.

I have lost count of the number of days this semester that I've been sick, or the number of times I've felt like giving up on everything...but essentially I still choose to fight. Is this what they call passion? The saying goes that if there is no pain, there is no gain. But you can't help but begin to doubt when you're put through what seems like a never-ending boot camp. You watch as your life evolves into something that appears to be inseperable from academic work. It's frustrating. On the one hand, you don't want to give everything else up...but on the other, you feel obligated to do so in order to keep up with the fast-paced nature of the coursework thrust in your face.

Wow, I need a holiday NOW. 12,000 more words and a week and a bit left to go. Will I ever graduate? Goodness knows. I just have to take one day at a time, and stretch myself out for another gruelling year. It's in moments like this you wish you were inhuman. I don't have any human friends left apart from my coursemates (who are pretty much like my comrades, we suffer together like nobody's business). I'm stuck in this ivory tower with words on paper, words on screen...and their not being very nice friends, I tell you :(

Work, what else?

2009-06-03T15:33:00.003+02:00

I should really be catching up on some sleep. I've had this dreadful cold for over a week now, and the stress levels are not going to be curbed anytime soon considering how I have 5 major assignments due over the next two weeks.

I would say that this week so far has been one of the most emotional weeks of my life since I started with graduate school - which, if you haven't actually figured out yet, is my life (so holidays beckon after I'm done with this slew of assignments, but I swear it'll be so strange having a life again...not having to deal with anything university-related if I so please for a month and a bit).

I finished my block placement on Monday, and I'm REALLY happy that I now have time to focus solely on research and essay/report writing. Similarly, I am quite pleased that I will no longer have to change nappies, wash dishes, wash my hands endlessly, clean tables and the ground after every meal. Unfortunately, this is where my happiness ends. It is with great sadness that I had to say goodbye to the babies and kinder children whom I've come to know and love so very much since I first set foot into the centre in March. No more cute smiles and raucous laughter, no more singing "Row, row, row your boat..." to my babies, no more cuddles when my babies start crying or after they get up from a nap, no more kissing their beautiful little faces, no more "can you chase me outside?" from the kinder children. SIGH. Also, the end of placements signals the most hectic assignment-ing schedule I've ever experienced in my life as a student. I know I will survive, but I know too that I now have to be reading/note-taking/writing essays non-stop apart from my commutes to and fro home and university, sleeping, eating and showers, and in class times (speaking of sadistic, my professors have decided that full-day classes are absolutely necessary everyday this week and this means that my sleeping hours are drastically reduced due to the heavy work load).

So why am I even writing a non-academic piece up here when I've got about 14,000 words left to go? Er, maybe because I want to take a short breather from children's rights, policy frameworks like the QIAS and the ECA Code of Ethics...and not have to consider analysing my observations on my focus children in writing up a report on their development...or start thinking about how I can answer those 10 questions based on the EYLDF (or something like that)...or start thinking about what the complexity and diversity assignment is asking of me.

Right, me going on a rant on the tasks which are expected of me totally defeats the purpose of me trying to take a break...but you get my idea. I can't afford to get off this moving train...because now that the stress has set in and the motivation (or rather, the need) to do fantastic analytical work and write it up in H1 or H2 standard is gained, I can't lose momentum.

Here's hoping that I won't have to re-submit any of the aforementioned assignments because of extreme shoddiness due to time constraints. I look forward to having a sudden mass of free time after I'm done with this lot of work. To take it in a positive light, I'm almost done with 1/3rd of my graduate degree. 2 semesters more to graduation!

Lunch break rant

2009-05-27T05:52:00.002+02:00

So it's a typical day out on placement, I'm having my lunch break...killing some time after a quick meal before I find myself surrounded by bubs again. Had a very brief conversation on skype with a very good mate last night, it was so surreal hearing his voice after months of conversing via msn and facebook...I had a lot of trouble getting used to the familiarity of this foreign accent. Nothing beats hearing from a good friend in person after so long :)

It's as if I was taken back into time, when I first got home to Melbourne after half a year abroad, the Aussie accent really jolted me back to reality the moment I stepped off the plane. It took me a few good weeks to re-familiarize myself with the fact that everyone spoke English around me, that there weren't funky European accents or the like in my everyday conversations with people. And now, whenever I hear a non-Aussie/non-Singaporean accent...my life just feels bizarre :P

How time flies, I find it so weird that I'm a 100% responsible for my career progression and for real people's children now that I'm in graduate school. Responsibility doesn't seem to fit my bill, but life goes on. And I'm also wondering if my immune system just became weaker after the copious rounds of vaccinations I've taken this year...or if it's just stress that's setting in for me. I was down with gastro about a forthnight back and just yesterday I copped a dry cough and stuffy nose (which just got worse today). So I spent most of my day wiping my own nose and the babies' noses :(

Okay, time to get back to work. I don't know if I'll have a voice to sing and talk to the kids anymore because my throat is really sore, but I'll keep trying. Damn, this was the most useless and mundane post I've written in a while...

Datelines and the light at the end of the tunnel

2009-05-18T12:33:00.004+02:00

It's been a while since I've wrote. Wait, let me process that sentence in my mind again. WHY WOULD I WANT TO WRITE when I've got...
(a) countless artifacts/critical reflection pieces to log on my e-portfolio
(b) observations to log at placements (and to analyse in my free time)
(c) a very hassling list of essays, reports and presentations to tackle?

Assignments, the very point of my departure in this entry today. Let me leaf through my university diary (which is extremely dog-eared just 3 odd months into graduate school). On top of three hour seminars (x5) every Mon, Wed and Fri this semester...

These have been done:
- Management and leadership practicum (consisting of eight days of work)
- Under 3 practicum (consisting of 10 days of work)
- Compulsory artifacts one through to five
- PCIP (I can't even remember off the top of my head now what this acronym means anymore!)
- Investigating Curricula essay #1
- Complexity + Diversity group presentation and report
- Professional Cultures essay #1

And I have four and a half weeks to be done with:
- Block placement in the babies room (10 days straight of work)
- Child development reports and presentation
- Investigating Curricula essay #2
- Complexity + Diversity essay #2
- Management and leadership essay
- Professional Cultures essay #2

After which, I get the break I've been hankering after! I don't think I've ever deserved a holiday up till now. I haven't been shopping or sleeping in properly for a while now. And I just had to go make my hectic schedule a lot worse by enrolling in French classes (these happen two hours every Saturday) :P

I'm happy though, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (for this semester anyway), and this means that I'm almost 1/3 through with my Masters degree (OH, THE ELATION)! Anyways, I'm going to continue putting my feet up before I have to get back to beefing up my practicum documentation before my teaching fellow swings by for an assessment on Wednesday. Soon, I'll be shopping till I drop in Hong Kong...and living THE LIFE for a month and a half. Joy.

Life in mono-tone

2009-04-14T15:22:00.005+02:00

Pardon my hiatus of sorts. Since grad school has gone into full swing, I've become even more slack with replies on walls, social catch-ups of any kind, etc. I don't know why but I just can't motivate myself for much in the place I currently call home. Too comfortable, perhaps? I don't really wish to justify my anti-social behaviour, but I find that I'm the kind of person that needs a lot of stimulation in order for things to be done.

I can't be bothered with dressing up or down. I just find the first thing that matches in my jungle of a closet, pop it on, and get my butt out of the house when I have to. The make-up is barely ever touched. Nothing much matters to me apart from the fact that I'm permanently located in Melbourne, with my immediate family and our home based here. It's funny how I bother when I'm abroad. Amazing, in fact. And then the moment I set foot back in Australia, life becomes a drab. No more technicolour to get me going. Oh, why don't I just go and have a cry about it? I've been like a ping-pong ball bouncing back and forth between Singapore and Australia for years until I set myself free and delved into what I then felt to be a very random destination (Seoul)...and from there I lost my soul to wanderlust, knowing that my hopes and dreams were boundless, that they lay somewhere beyond everything I had ever known. Why did I have to be confined to what I am familiar with?

And so it has been, I enjoy what I study (although the work is a fair amount of stress at times), but I'm glad that my course of study is only 1.5 years because honestly...I'm dying to get out of this country - to where, I don't know exactly yet...but I have some ideas on my list (and Singapore isn't a top preference, if anyone is counting on me to relocate to the motherland on a relatively permanent basis). So all I do in my free time now is to feed my K-craze (yes, lots of K-drama and K-pop makes me a very happy soul), anticipate my future travels...and do general research on international schools abroad just to get some idea on how best I can land myself somewhere else once my working life begins. Sad? Yeah, for a 21 year old I suppose I'm pretty sad. But hey, no pain no gain right?

Here's to working bloody hard at uni so that I can realise my dreams after mid-2010. Because there's only so little (and so much) that my heart beats for - the world beyond this country I've had to call home for the past seven years and counting...

Just some of the craziness

2009-03-18T11:40:00.003+01:00

So it's been a month since I started graduate school, and it's already been quite a journey so far. It's funny how I'm even blogging about this whole foray into early childhood education - because, as the rare few of you who know, "critical reflection" and journaling is driving everyone a bit nuts in this course of study.

Anyways, there were some severe lows (what with a crazy full-on assignment/reading load, a crazy number of contact hours a week - classes and practicum placements included...and a whole bunch of accelerated mode students either dropping out of the course altogether or going down to reduced mode), but things have been looking up this week. I'm really starting to get the hang of this - being someone who loves sleeping in, I've been doing well with early starts (especially since I find myself at my early learning centre before 8.30am on placement days). Many a time, I am found nodding off to sleep on the train ride home, but it's all in a day's work, really.

The children I see twice a week really help keep the craziness of this whole masters course in perspective. They say the funniest things ever. Everyday of placements, I come home with something memorable to tell. Just today, when I was patting a four year old to sleep, the following conversation occurs:
Child: Do you have a baby in there? (points to my tummy)
Me: No.
Child: Do you have a baby at home?
Me: No.
Child: Maybe you should make a baby, and put it in there (points to my tummy again), and then the doctor will cut it open and bring the baby out.

If anything, I am now convinced that I am fat (but I still love all my children so much - although I have to say, yesterday...so many children sat in my lap till my legs turned to mush and I could barely stand up)!

Change

2009-03-07T13:40:00.007+01:00

I find it incredibly mindblowing, how much life can change in such a short period of time. When you decide to deal with circumstances and open your mind to the course of events that you're faced with, your horizons in life broaden about a million fold (or something astronomical like that anyway).

Sure, nobody likes datelines, everybody likes leisure...but somehow, I'm starting to ease into the hardcore workload that my Masters program is all about. Everyone can go on talking about how they don't see why anybody should be so "qualified" in the area of Early Childhood education since all an EC teacher does is "supervise and play with kids" (if you want to engage in banter with me as to why I beg to differ, come talk to me about it personally), but I'm really enjoying my course of study. For once, I feel like I'm working towards something truly worthy. So despite the insane contact hours and a "to-do" list that goes on for what seems like an eternity, having next to no social life is not a big deal at all (after all, that's what the holidays are for, right?)

Time and tide. My perceptiveness towards the very essence of being and my surroundings are challenged like they have never been before. It's crazy I know, but I feel like my course of study (and it's only been three weeks in, mind you), is breaking me down...prompting me to re-think how I communicate and appreciate even the smallest of matters (and people). What a refreshing change from a society and education system that promotes ultimate selfishness through personal success alone. I don't even think words can suffice, this feeling of rejuvenation, even though I'm basically drowning in homework just about all the time.

I was born a whinger

2009-02-27T07:07:00.006+01:00

To be very polite about it all, I am fkin' annoyed at the moment. Grad school's begun. I've got early starts everyday, most of the classes run for 3 hours straight...and it's just been a severe case of information overload every single day. Everything is running at x100 the usual speed of learning in a typical university course, and an education noob like me is just trying to consolidate it all and keep afloat.

It doesn't help that the salary of an Early Childhood professional is ultra depressing - but then again I expected it to be so because apparently we don't respect the teaching profession enough in the state of Victoria. I mean, all that really counts is that you embark on a career in which you're genuinely passionate about, right?

But no, my mother has to have a say in EVERY damn thing, especially when it comes to issues with money. She's been nagging me to no end upon hearing how mediocre my pay is going to be when I finish with Masters mid-2010. Hello, can anything even get worse over here? I'm still trying to come to grabs with this whole postgraduate school business myself...so give me a break?!

Sorry, it's a really hot day today...and I was at school 9am-4pm just trying to absorb all this info about placements, our ePortfolio, and our placement project (which is due in a month - wow, class hasn't even started for real yet and day one on placements I'm already dropped into the deep end of the pool with a report task to fulfil by the end of next month, how stressful). So you can basically imagine how terribly flustered I am.

Just to make matters worse, this stupid transport infringement thing which I revocated has been rejected (and mind you, it's been bugging me since August last year)...so I have to go for a court hearing or pay this exhorbitant amount of money for something I feel I was wrongly incriminated for. GREAT. Just great. School's just about to go off the hook from next week onwards and I'll have to take time out to go to this silly court hearing (and if I skip any of my classes or miss a placement day, I'll be very lost in the course/will have to arrange to make up for a day lost in my placements).

GRRRR. I need to catch up on sleep, write a letter to the infringements court to tell them I'm going for my hearing, organize myself fully for placements and full classes starting next week, and definitely start formulating a question for inquiry for my placement project. Oh my goodness. I need to stop whinging right about NOW.

The eve of the big 21.

2009-02-18T06:48:00.003+01:00

So time proves cruel once again, and I'm on the edge of 21. Hmmmph, to think that I used to have a whole list of goals to achieve by this apparent milestone in my life...goals that are still far from being reached. Looks like I'm going to have a mediocre life ahead, people.

But anyway, to the real business here. 21 - adulthood, hey? Is it not just an age, an age which is loaded with significance (for the sake of legality)? Turning 21 tomorrow won't make me any smarter, better, wiser. It just means that I will no longer have an excuse to get away with the immaturity and the vice of youth. Boo.

Birthdays, the only day in the year where people (and not even everyone) remember that you exist. In a way, it'd be sort of nice to do away with this whole "I was born on this day" nonsense, so that it'd be a little bit less depressing on your so-called "special day" when you're suddenly thrust into the limelight for 24 hours, then quickly ushered back into the darkness for the rest of the year.

I've blown out the candles to three birthday cakes already (and I trust that there are no more to come, I don't exactly enjoy these things), and everytime I did, I was asked to make a birthday wish. I can't even remember what I wished for. Because I don't believe in wishes, a lot of your life is what you make of it. And the intangible things which you can't play a part in making, tough luck. If their meant to be yours, they will be. Otherwise, no point brooding, right?

However, with 21...I think I've gotten hold of something very important. You can't take life for granted, and no matter how much life seems to be so tragic sometimes (people, things, whatever), you've got to suck it up and try to make the most of it. Live each day like it's your last, grab hold of opportunities while they continue to exist, stuff like that. Because really, what's the good in just living for yourself? So as I grow a little bit older, I hope that I will gain more responsibility for myself and the world around me.

So here we go, I shall squirm in my place tomorrow in complete awkwardness. Sigh. And oh, if you want to do me anything for my birthday, let it be this. That you go out into the world today and do something nice for someone needy. Doesn't have to be big, it can even be as easy as giving a friend a dollar when he/she has run out of spare change for a tram ticket or something. Because the world isn't about self-glory, not even on my birthday. If everyone did a small part to make the world a better place today, everyday could feel like all our birthdays!

To fight or to fly?

2009-02-09T18:49:00.003+01:00

I'm going to do myself some real good for once. It's really simple and easy actually. In fact, it's not unfamiliar to me at all. I'm going to stop having expectations.

Don't be silly, of course I can't stop having expectations altogether - that would be impossible and mindblowingly crazy. What I really mean is, I'm going to stop having expectations of others - no more assumptions, no more eager anticipation...nothing. The self-expectations shall remain intact - after all, I do believe that one of the worst things that can ever happen in any one's lifetime is that of letting oneself down.

As far as I am concerned, intuition does not exist in my dictionary. Neither does luck, or anything to do with fate. I've finally woken up to the realization that choices are mine to make, break, and deal with. No more kidding around, no more excuses to act as my saving grace. Nothing is fate. My extremely indecisive nature is not going to help my situation, but I am going to try. And for the rest of my life, I shall try.

I've questioned myself over and over again, asking myself if it's really necessary for human beings to fight to survive. I don't know, but I do know that I need to take care of myself. Nobody else is going to do me that favour. I tend to let anyone and everyone determine how my day/month/year is going to go. And I'm not going to do that anymore. My life is merely set up for the ultimate break down.

Because life can be really cruel, and although I've weathered so many burns from people and things...I don't know if I've ever gotten stronger and better as a person...or if I've just grown to become jaded with life.

Clarity

2009-01-13T13:38:00.004+01:00

Today, someone asked me if I had always known that my current life and immediate plans were what I had always planned for it to be. Almost immediately, I responded with a very adamant "no". Then again, I wasn't prompted to re-think my present situation. Sure, I've always been a bit of a drifter in life, my plans come randomly and abruptly...but I couldn't be more at ease with how everything seems to be falling in place for me right now.

It's almost as if all my worrying in the past was so unnecessary, because everything's turned out more than fine. Well, upon retrospect, I would never really have seen through all this so clearly to know that this is probably my path in life. But who can ever really read into the future anyway? It's a matter of faith and trust in a higher being who can see from a vantage point from which I cannot - yes, so I should know myself better than anyone else ever could, right? Wrong. Because I don't believe in chances, I believe that I am merely inadequate and finite no matter what I do...that God is real.

Actually, it's easy to believe in God when things are going great in life. What if my current life situation was reversed, if I wasn't accepted into graduate school and was faced with the prospect of unemployment in this bad economic climate? Would I still be acknowledging God? Being human, I'd probably moan and groan an awful lot...but would it make anything better for me? No. I remember when I was in the transition period from high school to university - everyone was worrying about their grades and where they'd end up for their tertiary studies. What if they couldn't get into their dream course? Well, some of us got what we wanted, and others didn't...but we all ended up somewhere, didn't we? And now everyone's kept busy with their own paths in life.

Back to the point, if things weren't all dandy for me at present, I suppose there would be even more reason for me to stay connected to God. It's so ironic and apt...how you're made whole in brokenness. To most philosophers and logical people, there really isn't any sense in that idea (same goes for the notion that when you give up your life for Christ, you gain more than life itself). When there's nobody on this earth that you can run to physically, when you've tried to fill this undeniable void in your life with love, lust, material goods, academic knowledge, achievements, friendship, entertainment, etc and nothing works...where do you go? You can't help but start questioning if there is a God, a faith, something intangible, something greater that you can cling on to for some hope.

I know that what I just said has been repeated by countless people all over the world and those who don't believe in faith will just go "meh, another of those religious fanatics". I don't believe that what anyone "preaches" to you can ever change your mind about life in anyway. It's a very personal thing, it comes to you through self-realization. But when you get there, life becomes so overwhelmingly beautiful although nothing has changed technically. You still make stupid human mistakes and run into trouble in life, but you know that you're not alone. You know that you have a purpose in life, and the assurance that you get is beyond words.

It's right for the world to say that religion is for the people who are weak. I am weak, but in His strength I am made strong. The least I can do is be thankful for what I've been blessed with, and for everything that I don't have...I should cease to complain, because everything really works in His time. To speak of contentment, discernment and wisdom - things which I have held so close to my being...I truly believe now that these things are inextricably linked to a faith that is literally beyond belief.

Life is short, spend.

2009-01-10T07:57:00.004+01:00

Woe to an expensive start to 2009. And I haven't even gone abroad yet! It's okay, life is short, we deserve to live in some kind of luxury - or so I try to justify my spends so far.

And I ain't even done with the pre-vacation spending. Still got to get myself a point and shoot (and probably a case too), a laptop case, a 1TB external hard-drive, and new clothes for Chinese New Year. Oh yeah, and I've got to set aside money for Malaysia (and more importantly, Hong Kong).

Then when I get home I won't even be able to work such regular shifts anymore because graduate school will have begun - and it will consume me (considering how I still intend to go on student exchange next year if possible). I need to win the lottery or something.

Plus, I still want to visit a friend in Brisbane sometime this year, and I'm already confirmed for the Gold Coast in June. I don't even know if I can factor in a trip to Fiji this winter anymore, lol. Because if I go on exchange next year...I'd probably leave early to travel around before term begins abroad, and then travel around for a few more months after the semester abroad is over. So I REALLY need to be a super scrooge from now on (funny how I say this when I just got home with a new luxury velour blanket and a 1000 thread count quilt cover).

I am going to close my eyes and pretend that my bank account isn't going to hurt over the next month...and the next year or two. It's okay, it's the experiences that count...and in a year and a half I'll be out of grad school with a stable job which pays pretty decently - or so I hope. Not like I'm going to get married and have kids anytime soon, so I can continue living a pretty selfish lifestyle spoiling myself with the unnecessary and traveling, lol.

The faith thing, continued

2009-01-04T14:09:00.004+01:00

Perhaps I'm just a very negative person, but I find it amazingly disgusting...how I can only seem to linger on the haunting past, rather than on the happy times that have gone by. It's almost like a fault within my mind - it won't let bad experiences come to a rest. I'm so sensitive like that, I don't let go easily.

Whenever I am reminded of someone who has/something that has left behind some variation of hurt or disappointment in my life, it consumes me for a while. I suppose I do click out of it - try to shake some sense into myself as quickly as possible, calm myself down...but I don't know if the root of all the pain is ever erased from my memory (literally speaking, maybe human beings can't ever escape from the recesses of their past). Yes, I know I have to suck it up, find a way to extract happiness, joy, contentment...out of the destitute situation I find myself mired in. And I try, but is trying enough?

Maybe it's because I'm only too eager to move on, away from the mess...and in rushing through the process of healing I don't do it right. Because time after time, I still find myself hurting in an even more desperate way. The situation didn't go away, it just got repressed. So in reasoning with myself, in living in the world...I see that my situation is so self-traumatic. I don't even have it as bad as a lot of other people in the world - the special people, the people from low socio-economic backgrounds, etc. Then comes the stage of self-loathing. Why does so much self-pity exist? If I am unhappy or incomplete, why not try to bridge my persisting despair by finding happiness in other's happiness? So the idea comes into motion...but oddly, nothing really changes. Perhaps it's because I have selfish ends to begin with.

So there goes my warped logic. It replays itself over and over again, until I don't know anymore, until I just let live...and basically float around in life. I don't even find a reason to explain myself, present myself to the world in a particular fashion that screams individuality any longer. You know what I was talking about in my previous entry? That's my last strand of hope. It's probably been the only chance I ever had of surviving in life. Because without faith in a higher being, I really am just a void. My heart beats, the blood in my veins flow, and I continue to breathe...but my emotions and my state of mind are a complete mess. It's as if I was lost in a crowd of unwitting people too. Because I know so many people, but everywhere I turn I don't see the reason to believe - my belief in people was lost a long time ago.

The 21st year beckons

2008-12-30T13:40:00.008+01:00

It's that time of year,
Leave all our hopelessness aside (if just for a little while)
Tears stop right here,
I know we've all had a bumpy ride...
- Imogen Heap, in 'Just For Now'

So that is it, the wrap up to yet another year. And when tomorrow comes, it will be as if my future has taken yet another uphill climb. New year, new challenges, new resolutions...what is so new about it all really?

Sure, I will be taking a more concrete step towards my career by starting graduate school. Oh yeah, I will also be turning the big 21. I have heard older folks rant on about how they wished they could rewind to the time when they were 18 or 21, because it was all about being young and free. I have also heard middle-aged people tell me that after 21, time flies by even faster than before...and before you know it, you'll be married and all that. I cannot even see a future for myself, to be honest. It is kind of scary, way worst than going abroad to a foreign land knowing nothing and nobody...jumping into the deep and serious end of life.

So I always thought that I was a more sensible than this, but I realize that I actually have no logic at all. I am still young and dumb. It is almost as if you cannot attain discernment and wisdom without going through the once-naive, then broken and mended stage in life. But anyway, 2008 has been a year of many firsts. It has been one of the most defining years in my short life. The only other year that comes up to par with this one in terms of whirlwind-ness has got to be the year where my family relocated abroad.

I will not go on to list the highs and lows of this year, because that would be way too tedious. However, I will say that my biggest lesson this year has to be that of keeping things in perspective. And in 2009, my only hope is that of actually realizing the whole "keeping things in perspective" business. Take one day at a time, allow positivity to triumph in my life, know who and what matters - and care only for these people and things, as well as myself. Only because I know that I cannot be superwoman, I cannot take it upon myself to try make everyone happy all the time...even if it costs me. Stop worrying, let God, let live.

Indeed, it is going to be an uphill battle with this sole resolution of mine for 2009. But I will count on something that I haven't relied upon in a long time - really, the only thing that ever matters to my existence. What is this thing that I lost along the way? Faith, and in a higher being. God. I do not know why I run, because I certainly cannot hide. I cannot escape this emptiness within me. It is as if I have an infinite yearning for something, someone...to come and make me whole again. But nothing and nobody ever does it for me. And I do not believe that persisting in my current course of action will ever make this feeling go away. It is so frustrating being human sometimes...but that fact will always remain the same. Somewhere in the Bible, it says that in brokenness, I will be made whole. You know, at one point in my life, the words in that book used to jump out at me and stir me up, bring a new breathe of life into my current one. It was really appropriate at that point in my life to say that I was once blind, but now I see. Years have past, and that rejuvenation, that wholeness...is nowhere to be found. I suppose I need a kind of accountability partner to keep me going on this thing (because it is just too easy to backslide) and to start thirsting for faith...and even though life still won't be everything that I want it to be, at least I'll always have this undeniable assurance for eternity

Sending my blessings and love to one and all for the New Year ahead :)

Yours truly

2008-12-21T14:41:00.008+01:00

Do you ever have moments where you feel totally belittled and pissed off, then capture yourself thinking that you're being totally immature in reacting that way about something...when really, you feel like your response to the situation at hand was totally warranted for and you really feel like they should let the case rest and let you do what you feel is best (although you can see why the opposing party views your opinion or action in a negative light)? Because I'm having one of those moments now...or rather, it's yet another recurrence of this situation - it's always been a battle for me, living in a somewhat sterile environment.

I am not abandoning my strict Asian roots or whatever, I really like being who I am...but can they ever trust me to let me do my own thing without having to question me to no end about my ongoings? For goodness sake, I get edgy phone calls from them when I stay out late. And in the first place, I usually hate staying out late in Melbourne - because it's so damn inconvenient to get home at night...but when I do, can I enjoy ever enjoy a night out in peace? Maybe I don't tell them enough about my life (and the people who are a part of it)...but I'm one of those people who lives out the entire reverse psychology thing - for example, if someone really bugs me to no end about wanting to know something, all the more I will persist in my course of not saying anything.

To yet another random rant, I think that as I grow older, I begin to display more overt signs of selfishness - I barely gift people anymore, nor do I send out stacks of Christmas greeting cards (I didn't even mail any this year, or the last...or the year before last, I think) or birthday cards. I don't know, maybe I just don't see a point...unless I feel like it's totally called for (and everyone gets love at Christmas time anyway). Also, I reckon that the best gift anyone can give (and receive) from anyone is that of genuine friendship - being able to rely on someone when they need help (of course, keeping in mind that your friend can only try so much in helping your situation). The best things in life are indeed free. So here's me saying sorry if you feel disappointed that there wasn't a gift from me lying under your Christmas tree this year, or if you were waiting for the postman to deliver a greeting card to you. Christmas is a time of giving, yes...but it's so much more than that. It's about the company and the knowledge that you are loved. And I don't that think anything (prose, music, things) could ever suffice in the place of true love and friendship.

Happy Holidays, everyone. I can't guarantee any of you anything, but what I can say is that I will try my best for you all...whatever it is.

32 days

2008-12-20T04:08:00.003+01:00

Time goes by way too quickly. About half of my summer break is gone and I haven't exactly earned more money than I have spent. It's kind of nice to have had a lot of time out from work (involuntarily, of course) to spend with the family, since I always seem to have some kind of excuse to get away from socializing with loved ones during the school term.

Anyway, I just realized that I'm 32 days away from my Singapore/Hong Kong/Malaysia trip...and I'm going to be working quite a bit next week (and hopefully the following few weeks will bring forth some decent shifts), so to all the people whom I haven't actually caught up with since my exams ended over a month ago...I think it's high time I make an effort to set a date with you lot before I become accessible only via facebook (when I get back from my vacation abroad I'll be starting graduate school, so if you thought I was M.I.A during term back in undergrad...I'll probably be invisible for the next year or something - especially because I need to work REALLY hard next year if I wish to go on study abroad again in early 2010).

So I know my work roster is quite a bitch, and I can't really plan things in advance with anyone until the next week's roster is out, but if any of you have a day off work or whatever and wish to catch up...give me an indication of which days in which of the next few weeks ahead where you're able to make time and I'll get back to you as promptly as I can. I promise that I will not bail on you (that is one of my new year's resolutions for 2009)!

A very good weekend

2008-12-13T07:06:00.004+01:00

Oh what a glorious Saturday...the summer weather has been nothing short of fantastic (i.e. torrents of rain and wind), I've worn my windbreaker more than I have my shorts since summer "began" a couple of weeks ago.

I don't even think I have anything left within me to inspire sensible writing, because in reality, everything is far from normal. Complexity at its finest pervades my entire life with doom. I wonder if, and when, I was ever a normal 20 year old female, because now that I think of it...sanity really does not seem to hold a place in my life.

I think I get myself into a lot of trouble, and every ounce of bad luck which has befallen me is justified. It's sort of like bad karma, except in my instance, it is way more severe. I can try to run and hide but it'll always find me, for infinity. I've experienced this kind of self-loathing before. I thought I grew out of it, but I reckon what I've just done is to come full circle. Whoopee-do. I am back to square one. And where do I go from here? What do I do? Who do I trust? Who the hell am I?

I don't even think I should be sitting in front of my laptop rambling on about my woes...because it really isn't helping my situation. My massive playlist of songs refuses also to let my mind escape reality. I really hope that my sister brings home tonight "Breaking Dawn", the final instalment of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga, just so that I can immerse myself in something distant from reality. I need to find distractions to keep me away from this disturbia...but then again no matter how I try to evade, my problems will not escape me so easily. Not this time. There is just way too much at stake for me to deal reasonably. Because reasoning no longer holds meaning in this context.

The eternal dilemma

2008-12-07T11:24:00.004+01:00

Today, I caught the sneak preview of Stephanie Meyer's bestselling book, "Twilight"...and I experienced first hand the world of "fandom". Things can get so hardcore in that sphere of life! I can see how people get absorbed into becoming "fangirls" or "fanboys", but I don't know, usually I'm not so sold on marketing.

The only reason I only started reading the Twilight series was because my sister insisted that I gave it a shot, so when my finals ended about a month ago I filled up some of my (copious amounts of) free time engaging myself with the literature. Usually, I'm more of a non-fiction person...but I guess I really am an idealistic sucker - I get sold on romance, mainly because I don't suppose it exists in pure form in the real world. I'm still hoping that that someone appears to really turn my fantasies into a dream-like reality...but hey, while I'm not counting on it to happen in my lifetime, it's okay to let my imagination be lulled into a false sense of hope, right?

Thing is, I don't know. Time and time again, I find myself musing over the reality V.S. idealism dilemma...and every time I think about it, I never am able to reach a conclusion. Then after a period of serious consideration, it begins to get too painful for me to choose one over the other. So I decide that I shall just forget love, relationships and emotions in general, and try to play the game of life in a very default manner. So is it even possible to reach a conclusion, or even a compromise of sorts when it comes to romance and love?

Of course it's true that what we see and hear on screen, on paper, in our earphones, through our speakers...is not necessarily an accurate representation of the world we live in. But do we totally obliterate the role of our imagination and creativity in our lives? So my arguments for and against each end of this debate winds round and round my head until I get too disoriented and somewhat jaded with the entire business and decide that maybe, my life was meant to be simple. No romance, no love. It's easier that way. Or at least, even though it's a good age to start thinking about my future in this sphere of life...I should hold off, and somehow, wait for some kind of miracle to show me that love exists like it is idealized to be?! I swear I can be so simple-minded and immature like that.

Speaking of which, I experienced a very priceless moment today. I don't even know how to bring justice to the moment in words, just because I ain't that ept a writer. But anyway, here is my attempt at trying to sound stupid. Seated by the window on a crowded city-bound train, I sat with my earphones playing Royksopp (which, to me, produces awe-inspiring, absolutely unique music). I looked out the window towards the clouded skies, closed my eyes, and let myself get drowned in the sound. I don't think I have felt so relaxed in such a long time. It was like my body, mind and soul was at one...and the movement of the train, it felt so light for those few minutes. We were rushing forward in almost-smooth jolts, but I felt like we were drifting, flying...without a single hitch. And when I opened my eyes again, I glanced out the window and saw that the clouds had disappeared - in their place were almost-clear blue skies. The beauty of being wrapped up in my own little bubble, how I wish that the feeling could last forever.

Oh, my eternal dilemma with reality and idealism. Maybe I have an edge towards idealism, no matter how seemingly detrimental it may be towards my life as a normal, typical human being in the "real world" that does hold steadfast to simplicity, childlikeness and realness - as it has in the past, in the present, and most likely my future.

Why I am a Singaporean

2008-12-03T11:49:00.004+01:00

I love my food
I love my shopping (and shopping centres/malls/strips)
I love a bargain
I am "kiasu" (Hokkien for "scared to lose")...and therefore a worrywart
I am loud (need I say more?)

In a way, affirming my "Singaporean-ess" makes me feel slightly better about myself (especially when people tell me that I have a shopping problem or that I binge on food without giving two hoots about my diet - while being able to maintain an apparent skinniness which I beg to differ).

Today I was out shopping with my parents and I told my mum that I felt bad about loving my shopping (and spending money) so much. I expected her to rebuke me or make an attempt to curb my spending habits, but instead she tells me this: "It's okay, you need to spend money to make yourself happy sometimes" My dad tells me the same thing about spending money sometimes: "Sure, we need to save money, but you need to turn your money into benefits, and you shouldn't keep too much cash" Very worrying, I tell you.

Anyway, to other random rantings, I am back on facebook after a short two-day hiatus (yeah, I am a huge loser, but so what...life is a bit too short to deny myself the pleasures which do no harm)! And we are in the midst of detailing our three day trip to Hong Kong in about a month's time...so much to do in so little time, so we just have to cram in the best eating/shopping experience ever. I AM HIGHLY EXCITED! I kinda wished I just got on a plane to Asia right about now. Having a pathetic number of shifts this week isn't helping my situation with saving at all (and that's the very point of sticking in Melbourne over Christmas, grrrr).

48 MORE DAYS TO SINGAPORE. I am dying to go abroad already (if I didn't have to think twice about saving money for my travels and study abroad plans for 2010). I hate my employers and the stupid Christmas casuals for stealing all my shifts. I used to work 6 day weeks last Christmas, DAMNIT.

Retail's bitch

2008-11-30T08:15:00.005+01:00

I know that I've always been a pretty sensitive person...but I really think that I am becoming more petty these days. Maybe my prolonged exposure to the retail industry has made me more aware of my rights as a consumer, or perhaps I'm just becoming increasingly trivial.

So whenever I go to work in my all-black attire as a service and selling team member (no matter how I feel), I make sure to do the following:

Smile
Be polite
Lend a hand to my colleagues if they need help, as best as I can
Display patience and diligence (try to provide a solution to the customer's need/problem with my knowledge, and even without any prior understanding, to ask a higher authority)
Try to keep my cool even if the customer is being a total bitch
To never be afraid or ashamed to apologize if mistakes are made or ridiculous company procedures or policies don't provide a solution to the customer's needs

Sure, I'm a bit of a klutz (I mess up transactions and have to do voids pretty often, I have broken a few things before, I bruise and scratch myself very easily when handling stock)...but it doesn't really get in the way of me getting my work done.

What really annoys me is that a fair chunk of people who work in the same industry as I do are far from customer service oriented. They show very little initiative towards making the customer's shopping experience complete, and I have come across more than a handful of very high-handed retail employees. Which part of retail do they not understand? If you think you cannot handle throngs of customers coming at you seeking assistance for a whole range of matters, why the hell do you work in retail? Save yourself the pain, save your employer the reputation, and save your customer the stress. It's not like your wages as a retail assistant are that awesome anyway. If you think you deserve better than that, then go learn a trade and get another profession. Maybe that way, you won't need to face another sullen customer who is trying to get all her Christmas shopping done in a jiffy, or a customer who comes back with a genuine return.

I'm not saying I'm employee-of-the-month material - in fact, last Christmas I got mystery-shopped and did pretty damn appalling (add on sales and all that really pulled me down), but at least I try?! Why do some of my co-workers in retail (non of the original Myer FF crew, mind you) show so much attitude towards work when they know jack...and they are so bloody incompetent - yes, you can talk about everything under the sun, but can your hands move while your mouth moves too (i.e. clear out the fitting rooms and running rails, sign some voids sitting at the register, put stock out, clean the glass fittings, fold some shirts, DO SOMETHING)?! And then after work I go shopping and meet more annoying retail employees. I swear that genuine customer service is so hard to come by these days. Get it right people, the customer is ALWAYS king (even if they might not know crap and are out to try abuse the system, you can never EVER display any trace of bad attitude to the customer's face. That is the rule of thumb which you signed on the dotted line to the moment you got employed in retail).

Okay, I've ranted enough. I guess I know BOTH customers and retail employees too well to know when I have to put in a complaint to the manager or not. All I can say is, I am NOT a happy shopper. Ironically, I am not a happy shopper at my store (well not exactly my store, but my company anyway)...and slowly but surely, I am getting more and more disgruntled with the management of my store (from an employee's perspective). Maybe I should really have quit work and taken a super long summer break abroad...

A small sense of accomplishment, a stepping stone

2008-11-27T14:15:00.007+01:00

I suppose it's kind of stupid to feel proud about completing an undergraduate degree in Arts (virtually anyone can do it, or so I feel), but upon looking at my now complete academic transcript (grades intact and all), a sense of accomplishment really tides over me.

I lost a lot of motivation to take university seriously following a very breezy semester studying abroad at Korea University, so my results in my final semester are really quite miraculous. This semester, I scored the lowest average grade I ever had in any subject I had undertaken at university (64%) and I also scored my highest average grade ever (92%).

And with that I am pleased. I can finally bade Monash farewell (I don't have to re-sit any failed exams, I can move on to graduate school in peace). Sometimes, it's so hard to even believe that three years has flown me by in what appears to be a wink of an eye. I remember leafing through Anthony Giddens in first year Sociology, reading about Durkheim and other key thinkers in the field...highlighting virtually every single line in the chapters, absolutely hating the subject...thinking I'd never pull through. In second year, I remember sitting in Kerry's "Nationalism: Intrepretations" tutorials, feeling like the biggest dumbass ever. The readings were in English...but it was pure torture having to read through them, and I never ever understood enough to engage in intellectual banter in class. Then there was International Relations of North America last semester in KU...I can't believe I managed to pass. And who can forget, the most hideous Politics unit ever..."Defended to Death?: International Arms Control and Security"? I PASSED.

Wow, I survived the mountain of readings (some of which I didn't do but actually managed to somehow wing over the years), the stack of essays (my prized possessions, 75-80% of which I have a physical or electronic copy filed away) and those crazy essay exams. I QUALIFY TO GRADUATE!

And as this chapter of my student life closes, a new challenge arises to greet me from mid-Feb next year. But for now, I shall let live till I turn 21 roundabout the time I begin graduate school...

These days, my heart beats a little faster

2008-11-19T13:14:00.002+01:00

Why? Because in 2009...

Singapore: January 20th to February 11th

Hong Kong: January 31st to February 2nd (six years in the making for my third trip to HK...FINALLY)!

Gold Coast, Australia: June 18th to June 21st (I've never been up to QLD before, so why not)

Fiji: No exact dates or destination yet, but I promised that I'd make the trip next winter, so when I get home from my Asia trip I'll make more detailed plans for a trip to happen sometime in June 2009 (yes, TWO beach holidays in one month)!

And oh, I KNOW that on the first day on campus at Uni Melbourne in mid-Feb next year...I'll be making an appointment with the Education liaison for exchange affairs. Whatever it takes (insanely awesome grades, extra hours at work for more money in the bank, etc), I am going to try my utmost best to make sure that I get to go on study abroad again in the first half of 2010. This time, the further I am from home, the better!

For now, the simple life. Work, music, movies, books, friends.

I wish I wasn't this angry

2008-11-16T12:34:00.010+01:00

Right now, I am ABSOLUTELY SEETHING, and I am not even going to try mask that fact with metaphors and analogies. I was going to say that I can't even seem to recall the last time I was angry, but because I can...the only thing I can tell you now is that I haven't been so majorly pissed off in ages.

I'm trying to calm myself down and remind myself that if I stoop to the instigator's level, I am not any better off than she is. So I shall stop raging for a bit, breathe, convey the nature of events which got me this mad...and then let you, my dear reader, draw your own conclusions with regards to this matter. I don't want to say anything that I will later regret because it was said out of a mixture of haste, utter disbelief, a sense of deep injustice...and anger.

See, I was out with my Korean mentee (or buddy) in Melbourne city before. It's actually the last time I'll see her for a while to come, because she has finished her semester on exchange at Monash (my home university) and is flying home to Seoul tomorrow night. So we stroll around the city, and my friend wants to take photos of the place so that she has some memories to keep right? She's Catholic, so she asks if we can go into St. Paul's Cathedral (the church opposite Federation Square) to have a look. I obliged, and as we step in, we don't actively realize that a service is going on (the place is massive and the congregation is tiny, all huddled up right at the front of the building). My friend whips out her camera and snaps a quick photo of the cathedral (and it's on flash, because she didn't switch it off from her previous snapshot). Then this old Anglo-Australian lady (I say Anglo-Australian because I don't believe that the term "Aussie" necessarily equates to "White"...although it's common practice here to associate as such whenever anyone says "Aussie") who was one of the two usherers for the service marched right up to my friend...grabs her left wrist really tightly, holds on to it for about 2-3 minutes...while saying this with a super fervent, crazed look in her eyes...with one of the most horrid, talk-down tone of voice I have ever heard: "That was very naughty of you to take a photo with flash when there's service going on. You know I have the right to take your camera and smash it on the ground? Do you know that?" And she said a couple other harsh things but at that stage I was absolutely taken aback...and so was my friend - who was basically frozen in shock - so I didn't quite catch what she was going on about. At that point in time I was so bewildered at what just happened, and I also didn't want to cause a ruckus by yelling at her for being so damn mean to my friend (because this is a church and there is, after all, a service that is running)...so we stepped out of that place right after the incident.

When I stepped out of the cathedral with my Korean friend I immediately said to her "That old lady was so mean to you". My friend remarks that she was scared by what just happened, but being Korean, she doesn't express her displeasure in any way. I, on the other hand, felt absolutely horrible on her behalf, I felt like she was totally abused and had her rights trespassed. I fell silent for a few minutes after this, and my Korean friend asked me what was on my mind. I told her that I was still thinking about that lady in the cathedral...and she shrugs it off in the nicest way ever. Yet a few hours later I still feel like I let my soft-spoken friend down. I should, at least, have intervened and told that woman off for hurting my friend.

Wow, this event really ruined my night. More importantly, I'd think that this lady left quite a final impression of this country, to my friend who is a tourist and exchange student to this place (and a place that I have adopted as home). I really hope that this particular woman goes home tonight and thinks about what she just did. After all, many people would associate a church helper with the church, and she, being Anglo-Australian (or what is popularly conceived to be, an "Aussie"), an Australian. The only thing that I am kind of thankful for is that this lady didn't do this to someone who was a non-Christian...because that'd just make the religion she was vouching for so much less than what it meant to her. I don't think God would say that she had the right to smash my friend's camera on the ground...no matter how disrespectful it might be to take a photo of the cathedral's inside when a service is running (and even so, this is probably so trivial that it shouldn't even be an issue). Argh, I'm going to go and pray about this tonight, because I think me getting all fired up about this isn't exactly something to crow about either :(

Summer L-O-V-E.

2008-11-12T15:35:00.006+01:00

SUMMER IS HERE! Time to get things sizzling now that semester is out (and this summer, there is all the more reason to party because I'm done with undergrad). Basically, this holiday is going to be SUPER SWEET.

There's going to be a heap of beach-ing, girly nights in (as well as out on the town), shopping expeditions, movies, birthday bashes, reading, sleeping in...and money (in the form of work of course, because money doesn't fall from the sky, nor does it grow on trees)! PLUS, Asia trip 2009: Singapore for about a month in Jan/Feb...and three coveted days in Hong Kong (shopping/eating anyone? I am soooo stoked that I am finally making a trip back to that place, It's been too long...six years in fact).

And oh, I honestly wouldn't mind weekend trips out of town/inter-state. Well I was planning to go to Byron Bay this weekend, but because one of my dearest girlfriends is having her 21st I had to pass. Nevertheless, I'm sure the chance will always pop up again sometime!

I AM SO GLAD TO BE DONE AND DONE. Now it's time for me to show out all shaped up! Yeah, I'm ready to usher in a new chapter of my life that's for sure ;)

Note to self

2008-11-08T05:29:00.006+01:00

Words. What do they mean? Do they even mean anything at all? We all like to receive words of encouragement, of praise, of comfort. It makes us feel better, but do words really resolve anything in reality? Words...they come easy, they come at no cost to the one who speaks them, they come too often.

Yet, ironically, we love words. But how do we know when the words we hear reflect a genuine soul? Words, they are said too much and without care. Almost everyone is guilty of it. When was the last time you heard those three words from someone? When was the last time you told someone something that you didn't believe to be wholly true?

In a world where hope appears so dim, where realness is scarce, I find myself contemplating my state of mind, of being. All the things I've done, all those words I've said, when did they truly reflect my innermost self? Certainly, I've believed to some extent in the past, but rarely wholly. I don't know why I can't come clean with myself to the world. I can only recall one instance where I have, but even then...I felt so ashamed to uncover the skeletons in my closet, so much so that true happiness was not to be mine.

I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I reckon I'm starting to unravel the problem at hand. I am afraid to appear fallible. I don't know where I get the damn idea from, but over the years, through all those moments of (perceived) heightened self-belief and strength extracted from my darkest hours...I've evolved to become someone who believes that identifying with my flaws openly equates to weakness, a weakness that will change how the world sees me...a change that will make them despise me.

In the end, I'm no better off than before. I take so much pride in being strong for myself, in being optimistic...but inside, I'm a mess. If and when I tell the world that I am as such (like I'm doing right now), I feel like I'm taking a very imprudent step in doing so. Why? Because the world (as I believe it to be) is exploitative, people will not hesitate to capitalize on my weaknesses to achieve their own ends. So I'm caught in this eternal limbo - should I be, or should I not?

So why now, why am I teetering on the brink of self-collapse at what appears to be a most random moment - where nothing is happening in my life apart from school? I find myself unable to move on, so much so that for once I dare to say that what I feel is beyond infatuation. I don't know why I take the blame upon myself, but I feel like it's because I wasn't worthy - my past made him doubt my feelings for him. But the minutes, hours, days and months have passed. Yes, across distance and space, I'm still not over it. They say time heals, and I remind myself that I am happy when he is happy. My idea of love must be overly romanticized. Someone told me that maybe it's because I don't want to forget although I should. Perhaps that person is right. But if that is the case, what happens to my notion of "the one"? Is it just a construct? Can I even believe in "the one"?

I'm getting increasingly deluded, emotions are fragile, hope appears to be lost. I've heard many a time, that "if you don't try, you won't know"...but is that really the case? Do you really have to break before you can make? If anything, why does it seem so impossible for anyone to be loved for who they are? People tell me that they wouldn't be sure if it was love when they hear about my feelings for this particular someone. But that's because they do not look into the depths of the soul. Surely, good looks, smarts, financial stability and the like are things which almost all of us look for in our partner...but these things don't mean a thing to me when it comes to relationships. I am highly convinced that the progression from acquaintance to a deep friendship which held so much promise surpassed all these hollow traits which we tend to look for in the other. What matters is that you find an intense emotional connection with that someone, that there's this fire in your heart that glows whenever you're with that someone (or not) - you wouldn't have to do anything particularly fun or interesting to enjoy their companionship. You could just sit there, in silence...feel, and appreciate the moment. Also very important is that you share the same beliefs, values and virtues in looking out to the future, that both of you have built a solid friendship which has beautifully weaved itself into something more.

It's like a state of nirvana which I really hope to achieve in my life time. Once upon a time, I was this close to achieving this incredibly liberating happiness in love...but it was not meant to be. The question that runs through my mind is that of whether I can consider myself to be broken so that I can be made whole again. I don't know, I don't believe very much anymore, although I should. In my weakness, I am strong...or so I hope to be. Oh, life.

The end of the beginning

2008-11-05T10:43:00.003+01:00

I've got a 60% worth paper to submit on Friday and two more exams to sit next week before I am retired from my undergraduate career, but what other better way to spend the day than to glue myself in front of the television and watch CNN's coverage of the US elections? The entire occasion is so feverish. Even in my corner of the world, I feel the impact of the outcome. Being a student of the social sciences (and having done subjects in the fields of International Studies, Politics, Sociology, Anthropology, Philosophy, Behavioural Studies and Journalism), I feel particularly inclined towards elections. In fact, I LOVE ELECTIONS. So I went to bed at 2am AEST watching the first of the polls on CNN, and got up at 12.30pm AEST to CNN - all the way till 5pm AEST. Yes, my day was pretty sad I know. I should have focused on my own school work.

So anyway, I log onto facebook and all I see are these statuses from my friends - mostly celebrating Obama's win, but some groaning over McCain's lost. Then I remember that there are some people who think that the elections ain't even worth watching, that both parties are absurd. Then I look within myself and ask myself where I stand in this whole business. Yes, politics is exciting and highly enjoyable, I believe in democracy (although democracy is really a Western concept, but that is another essay in itself) and all that...but taking my personal experiences and lessons into context, I can't help but question the very nature of politics - how has it evolved into what it is today? So we come out to vote, to support political ideologies and parties, but how much do we know apart from what the media tells us (and the media, depending on where you're from - and even the alternative media - has it's own agenda)? We want a particular candidate to win because he or she can address the issues which we feel are important to our country and society's progress, but what does power do to the extent in which political promises are made, how is society mobilized to act or react a certain way towards domestic and world affairs? Who determines what is important to humanity?

Then it hits me that politics in itself has its fallacies. Like I've mentioned earlier, it is highly engaging, and it has some significance to our lives. With no government in place, anarchy happens. But is a government the be all and end all of the state of human affairs? I have my doubts about that. I really enjoy political banter and social inquiry and I have considered working in either field or furthering my studies in these areas...but I won't because I feel like the contributions I make to the world will be significantly lessened if I do. I don't want to be another academic who just writes papers, holds symposiums, and tries to bring something new to the socio-political state of affairs in the contemporary world (by the way, what hasn't been done before?)...I don't want to work in the public service and become a subject of the hierarchical institution we call the government, a place where entry-level employees hold big dreams of changing the world but gradually become intoxicated by power as time goes by and they gain leverage in the field. Because I want to make an impact in the world by just being me, doing what I love, without having to be too dictated or scrutinized by anyone or anything. And more importantly, I want to see results...results that don't happen through talk, but actions.

As you may or may not know, I've been quite undecided on my plans for the future in the past few years. It's been a constant toss between getting a job with the civil service back in my home country of Singapore, or pursuing another passion of mine - children, teaching, moulding the future generation. Many a time, I thought that I arrived at the ultimatum...but inside, I know that I haven't really dedicated myself wholly to that one goal and dream. I can now say that I have arrived at my choice. People suggest all these paths I should have taken/should take in future, but ultimately, what's most important is whether I feel suited for the career - based on my personality, interests and inclinations- and that I know a 100% what I am getting myself into (that I ain't doing it because it's prestigious, because it's what someone influential opinionated to me, that I am clear on my reasons as to why I am going to pursue this path). Maybe one day, if I find the opportunity and calling to pursue the other feasible career paths, I will. But for now I can't be "Jack of all trades and master of none". I'm a week away from finishing with ugrad. I need to know, and I need to stick to my decision for a while to come.

My final decision - teaching. To know that I am going to mould the future is as powerful as it gets. Sure, being a public servant, pursuing economics, law and international relations all sound like paths with so much more promise...but for now, I want to take one step at a time, calm my young and raging ambitions, and contribute actively to the community. And I hope it works out for me, to go out into the world and gain more insight and experience...before I consolidate any serious moves into the fields of political and social inquiry (if ever). I still linger on to the thought of working in government one day, but we'll see. For now, I'm just going to try get as much as I can out of learning from children while also nurturing their futures - because they provide invaluable lessons in life which the grown up world cannot.

So it is, that the end of my ugrad career has dawned upon me to be "the end of the beginning", and not "the beginning of the end" as I previously thought.

Fighting~~

2008-10-30T11:28:00.003+01:00

The last six days of my life = mess. Four days of intense research, reading and note-taking for my Anthropology paper on how globalization has impacted upon the 3rd Millennium Development Goal (MDG) which is based upon the achievement of gender equity and female empowerment in the developing world (taking the Indian garment industry as a case study), one day of intense reading and note-taking for half of my Political Sociology exam (question being Cornelius Castoriadis' take on modernity and the environment), half a day of work and the last few hours trying to get my head around Sociology lecture notes on transgender and intersex peoples and how they challenge and prove to us that society is very much impacted upon by this gender/sex binary...and I would like to continue with the two key readings for this issue and sum up 50% of my revision for SCY3031....but my right hand aches from practising my penmanship skills for the examination hall, my feet are starting to ache like they should after a six hour shift at work, and the past few sleepless nights are starting to take their toll on me.

My brain is now like this massive sponge and I'm trying to categorize everything into a neat little box up there so that it doesn't all get muddled up. Every waking moment is spent with the books, with the laptop, with notes, apart from when I decide to have to eat, sleep, and make way for some couch potato time. And even when I sleep, I toss and turn so much that I have been half-convinced to get up and out of bed and get studying since I am wasting time TRYING to sleep.

Debbie's countdown to liberation...

Tomorrow: complete reading and note-taking for the Political Sociology exam (Huntington's 'clash of civilizations' thesis and the post 9/11 world), do key readings and note-take for transgender and intersex people.

Saturday: Start penning Anthropology essay, try to finish as much of it as possible, if not all (and maybe, if I decide not to finish the essay...read lecture notes on representations on GLBT - gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender - to get the gist of the topic)

Sunday: Review all Political Sociology exam material, make sure that I know enough from the back of my hand to pen two 1,100 word essays in the exam.

Monday: Finish Anthropology paper (if not already finished), review Political Sociology exam material, do some of the key readings on GLBT if possible.

Tuesday: POLITICAL SOCIOLOGY EXAM, come home to vet Anthropology essay.

Wednesday: Sort readings and get the gist of chosen arms control exam questions, finish key readings on GLBT.

Thursday: Work (maybe?) If there's no work, today shall be Anthropology essay submission day. Get started on readings and note-taking for essay question one of arms control exam...try to do as much as possible.

Friday: Finish reading and note-taking for question one of Politics exam.

Saturday: Review GLBT and Transgender/Intersex (and gender/sex binary issue) and start reading and note-taking for question two of arms control.

Sunday: Last review of GLBT and Transgender/Intersex and finish reading and note-taking for question two of arms control.

Monday: SEXUALITY EXAM, spend the rest of the day after with beloved arms control.

Tuesday: Make sure I know everything there is know about my two chosen topics on arms control and hope that my efforts will pay off in redeeming my last ever politics unit.

Wednesday: POLITICS EXAM.

Thursday: FREEDOM (and guess what I'm going to do on my first day of liberation? Go for a shoe-fitting course which is sponsored by my workplace...)!

Where the bloody hell is summer?

2008-10-18T13:06:00.002+02:00

Even before I begin work on my last ever social sciences major essay and revision for my three exams, I'm already thinking of summer! Just to remind myself of the light at the end of the tunnel, here's a list of things I am really looking forward to with the end of the academic year:

Finishing with my undergraduate studies at Monash (yes, it's been three years...and I will never have to return to Clayton ever again if I so please)!
Working a crapload of shifts (actually, this is more exhausting and time consuming than fun...but three words ring true here "THINK ABOUT THE MONEY!")
Seeing my favourite Aussie from days gone by in Seoul (Seb is coming to visit Melbourne for the first time over New Years, enough said!)
Rocking some of my best mates 21sts...and partying in general
Singapore for Chinese New Year (and to reunite with some of the spring '08 crew - Meiyan and Saly, who's exchanging at NTU next spring, as well as some of my favourite people...you know who you are. Also, to bring my dearest French pal Romain around the sunny island I call home in my heart, lol)

And that's the very vague list of things I'm excited to be looking forward to AFTER November 12th. For now, let me catch some much needed R&R after three straight days at work while surviving on minimal sleep. When I awake tomorrow, the studying gets serious. Fun times ahead :(

33 days

2008-10-10T13:53:00.003+02:00

33 days of undergraduate coursework and one more week of classes left to go before I get that damned piece of paper. Suddenly, a whole deluge of images and thoughts come rushing through my mind. What were the last three years to me? Why can't I seem to remember anything significant? Did I get any smarter, did I become any more mature, did my experiences help me become better poised for my future? I don't know.

Even my time abroad in Korea seems so distant, it feels like a dream...one which is now virtually useless to me. In another world, in another time, everything was different. But reality now confronts me, it tries to intimidate me, and I am hesitant. It's as if I'm tired of having to face the challenges which life hurls at me. But why am I so worn out? I'm not even 21, why do I feel like I've had it with everything?

Time after time, I find myself getting increasingly jaded. I don't know what it is that will set me free. I thought that going away to a foreign land where I knew nothing and no one would help me put things into perspective...but has it really? Or maybe, not everything is about learning and becoming a better person. Perhaps some periods in life are meant to be periods of apparent inactivity, moments for you to reflect and rejuvenate before you make your next move. But I don't even feel like I did that whilst on exchange.

And then I begin to question my hopes and dreams. Where in the world did I get this will to press on? It's amazing how someone as inadequate as I am can still believe. Yes, the light on the candle which is my future is still burning quite brightly...but what does this glimmer of hope mean to me? Does it bring me happiness? Does it make me any more useful in this stuffed up world? Even if I eventually became a "somebody" someday, the so-called "glory" I achieve will be far from glorious in reality. I'm holding out for the moment where I find simplicity, where I find happiness in the little things in life. Sadly, the only thing I see ahead of me is an ambitious career. I suppose I will be doing something that I enjoy, I will be serving people as I have always wanted to (I think the first time it hit me that I wanted to make the world a better place, I was nine, in Paris, France...and I saw all these tramps on the streets and told myself that when I grew up, I was going to be successful and give all these people a future - because everyone deserves one)...but is my happiness forever going to be extracted from seeing others happy? Am I ever going to see myself as a truly happy person - not because I made others happy but because someone made me happy?

Yes, I'm still young. Everyone tells me that in my time, I'll find that kind of happiness. But why should I bother to hold out for that someone who will come and take away all my silly cares? I shouldn't, and I don't. But essentially, being female (and a hopeless romantic), I admit that deep within the recesses of my soul, my goal of serving the underprivileged aside, loving and being loved is one of the reasons I still continue to breathe and bleed. I'm simple like that, no matter how complicated I might appear for a variety of reasons. As such, it troubles me that while everything on the career planning front has gone very smoothly for me thus far, companionship is far from near. I suppose, with a somewhat heavy heart, I am so very close to giving up on my dreams of love...for a life-consuming career in public service. Why so much anguish? I'm beginning to start doubting myself, I'm beginning to fall apart...and nobody knows. It's all a front, and whatever for?

I write not because I want any of you to show empathy towards me. Empathy just shows how pathetic I can get, and I don't need to be reminded of how pathetic I am as a person. I write because I need to channel all this pent up emotion within me. And in everyday life, you can all continue to take me at surface value...so that there remains some sense of normativity. So it is that I call it a day, writing this thing drained me emotionally. I'm tired, I worry too much, I'm too preoccupied with the intangible, I should just let live...but I can never do just that. My last words are, "I don't know."

Postlude

2008-10-05T06:33:00.006+02:00

The second ever Singapore Day was held in my adopted home of Melbourne yesterday, and the entire event was nothing short of blog worthy. It was a long day, blessed with glorious spring weather. I got up by 8am, was in the city by 9.15am, and found myself at Sidney Myer Bowl basking in Singaporean goodness for most of the day. The Singapore Day dinner, I have to say, was the cherry on top of the cake. As if the hawker fare in the afternoon wasn't mouth-watering enough, the fortunate few were wined and dined at the Melbourne Town Hall by some of Singapore's finest chefs, while being entertained by some of the most vibrant performers on the Singaporean arts scene. Oh yeah, there were also quite a handful of big shots at the dinner - the most distinguished being the Deputy Prime Minister of Singapore.

But facts aside, I want to tell you about the little things which made me glow with Singaporean pride:

Watching PCK and family perform - it warmed my heart hearing so much Singlish and Singaporean humour, something which nobody can appreciate unless you have been Singaporean-ized in any way.
Queuing up for hawker food - chicken rice, char kuay teow, chicken wings, mee siam, hokkien mee ANYONE? Yes, Singaporeans are the best at queuing up, especially when it comes to food!
Having Dick Lee perform his rendition of the much-loved national song "Home" to the dinner crowd at the end of the night - my favourite national song, sung and played by its very composer. It was just very apt and moving for me. I almost cried, and thinking about it now makes me tear.

And today, after having experienced an exceptionally great Singapore Day yesterday, I can't help but feel a little bit displaced in this place I've adopted as home for the past six years. It's like waking up with a hangover, except this hangover is an emotional one. Certainly, I have spent quite a lot of my youth in Melbourne and now am able to associate with the laid-back way of life here in Australia. I no longer have a physical home in Singapore, but I still hold my Singaporean citizenship. My heart too, will always belong to Singapore - no matter where I travel, no matter how much I love to travel, I need to have a base to call home. My physical base is in Australia, but my heart will always be based in Singapore. I cannot, at any cost, disown my heritage. If anything, it'd be a disgrace to do so. Furthermore, Singapore, the small island nation that we are, is a country which does not rest on its laurels - we have achieved miracles in our five odd short decades of independence, but we still continue to live in exciting times of change and constant refinement. For that, I am proud of my home country and will appreciate what it has been, and what it will be to me in the future.

The Overseas Singaporean Unit (a faction of the Prime Minister's Office) deserves to be congratulated for doing such a beautiful job in bringing a slice of home to all the Singaporeans residing in Melbourne (and even wider Australia, as some of them travelled down from interstate to be present for the day's festivities). As I have experienced before, I was reminded that Singapore is a place that so many of us Singaporeans take for granted. When we're home, we complain to no end about everything we have, but only when you're living away from home do you realise that Singapore has so much to offer to its people. I now look forward to my next homecoming trip with renewed zest. For now, I go back to everyday life in Melbourne, and return to the grind now that spring break is over...

*update: upon browsing through a couple of blogs mentioning yesterday's events (yes, blogging is quite a popular past time of Singaporeans), it has come to my attention that Singaporeans really do live up to their "is free is good" mentality, as well as whinge an awful lot. And another thing which I forgot to mention before is that I don't understand why haters would want to come scab off the freebies which Singapore Day (and essentially the Singapore government) provided. Furthermore, whether or not someone decides to adopt Australia as their place of residence is a personal choice (one which does not automatically equate to one being "disloyal"). As for the rest, I shall keep my opinions to myself, just because sometimes, silence will speak better for me...

Faithlessness

2008-10-03T13:50:00.003+02:00

I'm heading down the path of faithlessness, and it scares me to know how I've succumbed to its whim. Well I suppose it isn't absolute because I do believe in God, but my hope in the world (which has been torn apart many a time throughout my life so far) has finally been laid to complete rest. I remember when I was young, without a care in the world. Upon retrospect, I find it weird now that we were all too eager to grow up beyond our years (and sometimes, still do).

Since grown up life first taught me how cruel it could be, my bright-eyed and naive belief in the world's goodness teetered, situating me in many soul-wrecking moments of near insanity. I couldn't understand how people, especially my peers, could take life and the wider world so lightly. I desired to be rid of these thoughts. To me, they robbed my youth. I found myself wishing to be able to live the frivolous, carefree life which everyone else my age or older appeared to be able to pursue. It was as if my life was no longer my own. My growing disbelief in the world ebbed and flowed, and it troubled me to no end. It was as if I couldn't come to terms with the fact that the world was unreliable. I wanted, and in fact desired, to find some sanity and goodness in a world which proved itself to be unreliable, false, superficial. Everytime someone or something came by to persuade me to stop believing in the world, I garnered enough will to continue believing...even though yet another part of me would die in the process of being affirmed of the falsities of adult life.

And so it was, that this crazy vicious cycle of life constantly replayed itself to me like it didn't know how to respect sanity. I know this is going to sound so melodramatic, but it honestly felt like I lived, died and was reborn again - on repeat. But now, I think I'm just on the verge of ultimate death. What do I mean by that? I feel like I can no longer piece myself together to continue believing (or trying to at least) in people, things, places, events. It may be that all this evidence against believing in the world has proven my positivity to be awfully wrong, but I've really reached a stage in life where I feel like I can no longer subject myself to this state of continuous limbo. I have nothing left within me, and it's as if a new chapter in my life is trying to be written. Sure, I'll continue singing a song in my heart...but maybe one without the world involved. Yes, you heard me right. I'm very much convinced that I was born to walk alone, and I will for a long to come, if not always. I'm not waiting on anything or anyone to change my mind any longer. It doesn't pay to be waiting all the time. Certainly, being self-centred isn't any better at all, but at least you don't get burnt in the process, right?

So I'm here, on the verge of throwing the towel into the bucket, and I don't know if I'll regret this move at all. Am I going to do myself a favour by doing just that, or am I going to just be another statistic - yet another faithless, selfish person who will not actively make the already stuffed up world a better place? Man, being human can be so tedious, it involves way too many emotions for my liking.

Some random observations about life

2008-09-24T07:43:00.013+02:00

Life experiences make you, as much as you make of them.
Age is just a number, being older or younger doesn't equate to how mature one is.
The number of people you know is superficial - how many of them are really your friends? How many of your friends do you really know as people? In the end, you find that a majority of the people you know are but familiar strangers to you.
The world and its inhabitants are so amazingly self-absorbed, and it's even crazier how people think that you are incapable of reading between the lines of their speech and actions.
Words have, very unfortunately, been widely misused and are now detached from the beauty of their original meanings.
It now seems that less means more. While almost everyone strives to further complicate their life with material goods and a thirst for status, simplicity now appears to be a rare virtue. Really, how many materially rich and famous people are truly happy? So it is that the good things in life are free, and although free is good, it can only be achieved with sheer grit...and not even with my own strength, but with divine intervention.
Children and the special people show us that we, as able-bodied grown ups, have everything but nothing - for innocence, honesty, and the ability to live an unconceited life is extinct in the big, adult world out there.
The world cannot be trusted. Everyone, no matter how much they hate themselves (or not) should try to respect their very beings by paying attention to their own needs above all else - because the world is appalling in how unscrupulous it can get - it will make you bleed to no end if you allow it to take from you.
Adhering to social norms is one of the dumbest things you can do in life. Sure, they are set in place so that society won't result in anarchy. But honestly, STUFF yuppie culture and peer pressure. If anything, search yourself, find yourself, know yourself, and be yourself. You and you alone owe yourself this responsibility.